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  1. #1
    sabbycatz
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    Default What would you do??

    I am looking to see what other mom's would do in this situation. My kids see their dad overnight every 2nd weekend and an over night during the week. That is fine. What bothers me is the fact that everytime they go, I pack a bag of shirts, pants, socks and undies, and stuff goes missing there never to return. I told the ex and my kids I am no longer sending clothes due to this fact. The ex says he does not have clothes for them. My thought is, 'well get some'. How would you feel in this situation? What would you do? Thanks in advance for your replies.

  2. #2
    Expert Forum User ali's*mum's Avatar
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    If you are sending things and they aren't coming home then, fair enough, stop sending them! I used to buy a full wardrobe for my step kids to keep at our house when they were younger, shoes, snowsuit, rain gear and all! But that was because the person we were dealing with was not very good at packing. The kids would arrive with three pairs of pants, but no shirts and socks.
    If he's only having them a few nights every other week, all he really needs is 2 pairs of pajamas, a couple of outfits and some underwear. Then he can either send them home in what they arrived in, or you just send them back in what they came back to you in. If that makes any sense :?
    Last edited by ali's*mum; 02-08-2008 at 10:50 AM.
    Mom to Ali (3) & Eva (1)

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    There are definately 2 schools of thought on this when asking those in a blended family.

    Some will say that's what child support is for and no matter what you need to provide those clothes. This is not what I personally think but I know those that feel this way.

    What I would say to him is, he doesn't need a lot of items. He could go to Once Upon A Child or the like and pick some things up very reasonably if he is not going to be responsible enough to return the items you send.

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    Expert Forum User ali's*mum's Avatar
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    If he does respond with that line, then my advice would be to go to OUAC yourself and pick up a few outfits to send over and tell him that those clothes will stay at his house and that you won't be sending more.

    Or when you do send clothes, also send a list of what you have sent so that he can check thing off when he's packing their bag to go home. Maybe try this first and if he still doesn't send stuff back tell him that you can't afford to keep sending clothes that you never see again.
    Mom to Ali (3) & Eva (1)

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    Senior Member BabyDaisy's Avatar
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    I'd be pretty upset in your situation, since you are likely the one that is buying all of their clothes and such. Even if he does pay child support, that doesn't mean that money grows on trees for you to keep replacing. I would get him to get a set of clothes for his place, even if they wore them back to your place you could wash them up and send them back, so they always had something there. But that's just me, maybe I'm just hostile towards men.....lol.... but I don't think that they realize what things cost since they are not the ones with the children. Ugh, I could have a rant right now!!!! lol

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    Senior Member BabyDaisy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ali's*mum View Post
    Or when you do send clothes, also send a list of what you have sent so that he can check thing off when he's packing their bag to go home. Maybe try this first and if he still doesn't send stuff back tell him that you can't afford to keep sending clothes that you never see again.
    That's a good idea!!

  7. #7
    Senior Member Tami&amber's Avatar
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    when Rebecca was younger i actually bought clothes from value village for his place... i made any alterations to them and would give him a bag full of clothes (yes i was picky picking them out) as i passed them off as newer form friends and i had too many.
    Eventually I stopped sending clothes and he just took her shopping for clothes. I always made sure the outfit she went there in was very used incase it never returned.
    I hated when he kept a coat i had sewn for her. It was my first coat and I so was loving and liking "i did that" thats when things changed...to sending her in lower budget stuff.
    good luck

    BTW I know he always kept clothes for my SS for his visits. Infact we kept shoes and winter stuff too.
    then on sunday we bought hm back in the clothes he came in...

    The future is uncertain... but this uncertainty is at the very heart of human creativity

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    Always too sides to every blended family...but I agree with pp that it is just easier when the child has clothes for both places...whether the root cause of missing clothes is accidental or 'vengeful' it is just cheaper to have a small wardrobe that stays at the one place....and IMO the upside is that they do not have to 'pack' every weekend and it is more like a second home with everything they need there.

    We've had the opposite issue when our guy comes for his weekend visits.....initially it was the odd time of fogetting to pack what was needed usually socks/undies/occasionally a bigger thing like sweater or pants.....so initially we would buy what he needed for the weekend and send if back with him on the weekend....and then we noticed the 'habit' of forgetting what to pack or packing disgustingly stained stuff and then ripped winter coats and shoes with the sole flopping off increased...we pay child support that is equal to our mortgage payment so to me it was a purposeful "dig" on her part....although initially SO did not want to 'think that way of her' so I started saving reciepts for everything new we bought and never saw him wear here again....and he 'saw the light'!

    So now SS has a small but nice wardrobe for here only.... clothes that fit well and that he doesnt need to be self-conscious of in public! When they are about to grow out we send them home for him and get new stuff for here. He is older now and has also commented that it is nice not to have to pack a bag to come here anymore!

  9. #9
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom! mamabear's Avatar
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    It is his responsibility to provide for the children's needs while they're at his house. You don't send them with food, you don't send them with shampoo, and you shouldn't have to send them with clothes either if they're going missing. It was nice of you to send them with clothes, he took advantage of that (even if it is accidental, he's not taking being careful enough if this is happening all the time), so I think it would be reasonable to let him know that you won't be sending them with clothes any more. It doesn't have to be a *****y thing; it's just reasonable.

  10. #10
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    I bought extra clothes for my step children too for when they came to visit because my SD love to dress in dresses and her mom never let her bring hers (or that was the story we go) and I loved to shop with her! My SS had a couple of favourite shirts (transformer, pokemon, etc) that he loved also, but it wasn't as important to him.

    Now I never had a problem when my kids went to their dad's because the lady he had in his life was awesome! She would wash everything before they were packed, folded neetly, to come home even! (I use to joke that I was going to send all the laundry with them when they went). Those visits ended too quickly as I enjoyed the 'every other weekend' mini holiday for me. I think she just got tired to 'doing it all' when they where there because their father was & is usless.

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    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!
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    actually after my dd came into my custody I had this lovely discussion with my lawyer becasue donor not only didnt give me dd's clothing (that I bought in the first place0 he claimed to have none it was made clear as the custodial parent that actually I did have the responibility to supply clothing for his home for access. I still refused to do so but as my lawyer explained had my ex actually returned her stuff when she came home my ex could make me look bad in court for it.

    also I see in your siggy your kids are 7 you teach them to double check there bags and remind them to bring the clothing home

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    After my last post this whole thread got me to remembering my own childhood and parents divorce.... somethings just never change cause that was thirty-six years ago.....here were are almost 4 decades later all grown up but with the same issues

    Big difference was my dad had sole costody and all the money and my mom was broke and could not afford the buy us new stuff if we did not bring it we went with out it for the weekend....got frost bite once cause got sent in rubber boots instead of winter boots! I can still remember standing in the doorway after having to come back home and listening as my dad and mom argued over what was sent and how it was inappropriate or if it wasnt that it was something else...blah...blah...blah...always arguing....use to wonder as a teenager how they ever stayed together long enough to have the three of us cause they are just so total oppostites!

    Dysfunctional families just SUCK! I guess the one area I have learnt from my own childhood is to try to never talk about problems/issues with the EX in front of my step son unless it is absolutely necessary that he be part of the problem solving steps!

  13. #13
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    We always had clothes for my stepdaughter here and finally had to make a rule when we noticed that she would show up in grungy clothes and leave in the nice clothes we had, the grungy ones stayed, or sometimes went home too with the nice clothes we had until a full dresser became some socks and a pair of pjs. Now the rule is if you are taking it home you will leave something similar in similar condition here, no ifs, ands or buts. Not sure if her Mom didn't want to pack, didn't have nice clothes for her or didn't care but we got tired of the nice wardrobe becoming nothing but grungies.
    Mommy to three adorable kids!

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    Here's another way of looking at it. Do you think he really went and looked in the drawers/laundry room to see if anything is hanging around there. You know how sometimes you ask a question and the automatic answer is "No, its not here." without even checking. I'm not saying he's doing it on purpose, he just might need to go and have a real look. The stuff is there somewhere right?
    Yes, it would irritate me too.

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    Dysfunctional families just SUCK! I guess the one area I have learnt from my own childhood is to try to never talk about problems/issues with the EX in front of my step son unless it is absolutely necessary that he be part of the problem solving steps!

    Amen Totallyawake! I think those arguments still haunt me today! I cower at the thought of a heated argument my parents had when I was young.

    Dont get too upset about the whole deal infront of your kids, I know its frustating but in the end spending $30 at a consignment store to keep the peace seems worth it! Heck you could always send him the bill for half! LOL

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