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  1. #1
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    Question Stepping on Toes?

    Okay so normally I don't think much of things but lately I've be wondering if I'm stepping on SO's ex's toes... She hasn't voiced any concerns or problems but I still feel like I may be over stepping some invisible line.
    I made treats for my DSDs Christmas party in December since it was being held on one of our visitations days. I didn't think anything of it but I wonder now if I should have asked their mom is she wanted to. I've always been under the impression that she doesn't bake but honestly, I've never asked her if she did... Would you have cleared that with her first?
    Also on their birthday, once again our weekend, I asked SO to make sure it was okay for us, meaning DSDs, SO and myself to play a 'friends' party. He said he talked it out with her and she said it was fine, it was our weekend after all so to go ahead and see what my DSDs wanted. So I compared prices, checked themes, asked DSDs what they wanted, who they wanted to invite... Ect... Then a few days before the party it turned out my SO hadn't really been as open with our plans as I thought. I felt horrible that their mother wasn't included more. Had I known they felt the way they did I would have ran everything by her... SO can't plan anything... Ever... Horrible organization skills on his part... I didn't think it was a big deal at the time but now I wonder if it was... You know?
    Now Valentine's day is tomorrow and I'm baking things for DSS's bake sale. I had SO text, and I made sure I read the texts back and forth, and she didn't seem to mind so I said okay. Now I'm wondering if I'm 'stepping on her toes' and maybe cutting her out of something she might have wanted to do. I'm also volunteering at the event too. They said they needed people and I love helping out (and my DSS lol) so I said Okay but did I cut his mom out in the process? I'm not even sure she could have made it because she has work but I have to wonder if DSS asked her/made her aware it was an option.
    Maybe I'm just over thinking things, and causing myself stress over nothing. I donno... Sometimes it's so hard knowing what I should/shouldn't do as a soon to be stepparent

  2. #2
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    No offence, but do you think you should post stuff like this?

    I have no idea who you are, but by reading what you wrote, I know exactly who your SO's ex is. Or maybe post anon, and don't mention that your stepdaughters are twins? Very identifying details, and if I was your SO's ex, I wouldn't be impressed by this post. Maybe something you should directly ask her instead?

  3. #3
    Expert Forum User Tannaleigh's Avatar
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    Anon would have been a good idea as well. I am pretty sure I know exactly who you are talking about.
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  4. #4
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    I don't know who you are, or your SO's ex. But I would call your SO's ex and speak to her directly and if you are on good terms with her, maybe meet over coffee and discuss upcoming birthdays/special event days and work out a schedule or agreement of what happens on your days and her days.

    I talk to SO's ex all the time, actually she call me or facebooks me more than SO to discuss DSS and visitation stuff. So I don't see a problem with volunteering at DSDs' school events etc.

  5. #5
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    Heather.

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  6. #6
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!

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    i know.. but only because of when you first joined you had their pics in your signature and it was pointed out to me.. but without that, i could have figured it out too. lol

    anon would be a good idea

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by twinsplus1 View Post
    No offence, but do you think you should post stuff like this?

    I have no idea who you are, but by reading what you wrote, I know exactly who your SO's ex is. Or maybe post anon, and don't mention that your stepdaughters are twins? Very identifying details, and if I was your SO's ex, I wouldn't be impressed by this post. Maybe something you should directly ask her instead?
    I don't know if the op has been edited? But I totally did not pick up that there were two DSDs until it was pointed out in later posts. I think you'd have to know the person quite well to figure it out. And I don't see what in this op would leave someone with a bad taste in their mouth. Noone has been bad-mouthed and she is showing concern that she's not overstepping her bounds. Would anon have helped anyway?

    Quote Originally Posted by hockeymomof3 View Post
    I don't know who you are, or your SO's ex. But I would call your SO's ex and speak to her directly and if you are on good terms with her, maybe meet over coffee and discuss upcoming birthdays/special event days and work out a schedule or agreement of what happens on your days and her days.
    I was going to suggest this as well. And if you're not the chatty kind, than maybe agree on some email exchanges for these types of activities. I think it's great that you are concerned about the ex's feelings.
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  8. #8
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    Well I have no idea who you are or anyone else involved but I think it's wonderful that you care that much that you do not step on the mom's toes! Good for you!! Being a mom with kids with a step mom I would appreciate if the step mom cared that much!!

    I think as long as you are asking/texting her about it than keep doing what you are doing








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  9. #9
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    people who have been here for years, and know the ex (that op is talking about), would know who is being spoken about.

    She isn't a frequent poster anymore, but was at one time. Although, she does still post.

  10. #10
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    I have been here for years, and don't know who she is posting about, and I think it is thoughtful to think about the SO's ex and “stepping on toes“. OP is just asking our thoughts on this subject.

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by twinsplus1 View Post
    No offence, but do you think you should post stuff like this?

    I have no idea who you are, but by reading what you wrote, I know exactly who your SO's ex is. Or maybe post anon, and don't mention that your stepdaughters are twins? Very identifying details, and if I was your SO's ex, I wouldn't be impressed by this post. Maybe something you should directly ask her instead?
    I didn't mention that they were twins. And from what I've read some people didn't even realize they were twins, at least not until your post... I didn't post anon because, well I didn't feel a need to. I was looking for advice and honestly, I don't see anything offensive about my post. Wasn't going to 'hide' behind Anon or something like that because, once again, I see nothing wrong with my post. I'm not bad mouthing anyone, I'm expressing my concern about something that I think is important... Even if I did post Anon I'm sure someone would have known who I was. It's not like it's some big secret who my step kids are, who my SO is and who his ex is.
    I was looking for advice from someone that could give me some in site because as hard as I try I'm still really new to this and it's a constant learning experience. I wasn't really looking for 'I know who you are, they are and everything else...' but it seems it's what I got with some people... It just seems kinda... Drama like? I don't know... Just wasn't what I expected I suppose...
    I guess I'll have to side step SO and just ask her myself in the future. It would help if I wasn't so awkward to start with but I'll try. I have no issues with her, I just want everyone to be as happy as possible.

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by blackrose37 View Post
    I didn't mention that they were twins. And from what I've read some people didn't even realize they were twins, at least not until your post... I didn't post anon because, well I didn't feel a need to. I was looking for advice and honestly, I don't see anything offensive about my post. Wasn't going to 'hide' behind Anon or something like that because, once again, I see nothing wrong with my post. I'm not bad mouthing anyone, I'm expressing my concern about something that I think is important... Even if I did post Anon I'm sure someone would have known who I was. It's not like it's some big secret who my step kids are, who my SO is and who his ex is.
    I was looking for advice from someone that could give me some in site because as hard as I try I'm still really new to this and it's a constant learning experience. I wasn't really looking for 'I know who you are, they are and everything else...' but it seems it's what I got with some people... It just seems kinda... Drama like? I don't know... Just wasn't what I expected I suppose...
    I guess I'll have to side step SO and just ask her myself in the future. It would help if I wasn't so awkward to start with but I'll try. I have no issues with her, I just want everyone to be as happy as possible.
    As soon as you said the DSD's had a birthday on the same day it kind of implies twins don't you think?

    Regardless, I haven't been on LM for long, and I don't know who you are. It was only what you posted that clued me in to who you might be.

    I'm not trying to start drama - like I said, I don't know you.

    Whether or not you want to “hide“ behind anon, do you think maybe it may have been considerate to your SO's ex to post that way?

    Glad that you are working at communication on all fronts.

  13. #13
    Expert Forum User bikruca's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by blackrose37 View Post
    I didn't mention that they were twins. And from what I've read some people didn't even realize they were twins, at least not until your post... I didn't post anon because, well I didn't feel a need to. I was looking for advice and honestly, I don't see anything offensive about my post. Wasn't going to 'hide' behind Anon or something like that because, once again, I see nothing wrong with my post. I'm not bad mouthing anyone, I'm expressing my concern about something that I think is important... Even if I did post Anon I'm sure someone would have known who I was. It's not like it's some big secret who my step kids are, who my SO is and who his ex is.
    I was looking for advice from someone that could give me some in site because as hard as I try I'm still really new to this and it's a constant learning experience. I wasn't really looking for 'I know who you are, they are and everything else...' but it seems it's what I got with some people... It just seems kinda... Drama like? I don't know... Just wasn't what I expected I suppose...
    I guess I'll have to side step SO and just ask her myself in the future. It would help if I wasn't so awkward to start with but I'll try. I have no issues with her, I just want everyone to be as happy as possible.
    Well when you plan a birthday party for sisters on the same day.... generally they are twins. Twins+1 has twins though, so she probably picked up on that more than some people would.

    Regardless, no need for drama. I think your OP was well intended and I do appreciate the concern. I guess what left me scratching my head is that when you joined this website, and a few of my friends on here let me know (since you had pictures of my kids up). I called you up, explained that I know people on this forum and asked for you to take down the pics of my kids to avoid the drama etc. Seems to me that you should have predicted that I would have read this thread anyways, so why not just come to me directly.

    Regardless, as I said earlier, I have no particular issue with you. I am sure you can understand how it can be difficult communicating through your SO.

    I know you didn't intend it this way, trust me, but you did make some judgments on me in your OP. I pick my battles carefully, I'm not going to get hung up or argue about the day to day stuff. Baking and volunteering at school is pretty low on my radar right now with the other issues my kids are facing and the amount of time I have had to take off of work to deal with them particularly with my oldest.

    If there are any other concerns feel free to call, email or text me. I don't think there is any need to discuss this further on a public forum. Thanks
    Heather.

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  14. #14
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    I don't understand what the stink is about even if people do know who you are talking about I don't think you wrote anything wrong and I think it's great that it's a genuine concern of yours!

    On to your post. I'm pretty sure if the Mom wanted to be involved she would say something to you or even have you both involved in say the bake sale or what ever. I know if it was my child I would be voicing that YES I indeed wanted to do something and maybe we could share the responsibility.

    I'm a step Mom too and I think it's great taht this is a concern of yours as it's always been one of mine as well.
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  15. #15
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    I would talk to the mom persnally and ask her.

    btw i see nothing wrong with this post.
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