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  1. #1
    New Member Mommyoftwo's Avatar
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    Angry Overbearing Grandmother

    My Mother, I love her so, is a very.. how would you say? BOSSY. She can't let me do the mommy thing by myself. Sne constantly is always telling me that I'm doing everything wrong. From bedtimes to what I give them for breakfast,lunch,dinner. You name it and I have done something wrong. It is making my relationship with her on edge and sometimes makes me feel like I could just blow up on her. How do I tell her to stop this without hurting her? I am afraid next time she criticises me I'll blow my roof off.

    Melanie
    Hailey and Hannah's mommy

  2. #2
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!
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    That would be very frustrating. Can you find the time to talk to her without the children about? Just you and her. Without accusing her (use "I feel" statements), explain to her how she is making you feel. Let her know that you are very thrilled that she raised you to be such a strong, maternal woman, and can't wait to expound her relationship as GRANDMOTHER to your girls, but it is your turn to be Mom now (she's had her turn), and you realize you may make mistakes, but that is how you will learn to be the best mommy you can be.

    Set up some guidelines/barriers (these are my rules, these are things to be compromised on, these are things you can run free with since you're their grandmother), and tell her how much you appreciate her concern, but she needs to step back and respect you as a mother now, and not just her little girl. Thank her for being such a good role model for you to use when you raise your girls, and ask her to respect that you will do things your way.

    If all else fails, reduce contact as necessary, and smile and nod while she talks (let it go in one ear and out the other). I heard a line somewhere for unwanted advice... something along the lines of "Thank you SO much for your opinion, I will take it into consideration and make my own decisions."

  3. #3
    Zoo
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    This will drive you crazy, and if you don't do something now it likely won't get better on its own. The good news is that she probably isn't intending to criticize, only to "mother" you, you know? If you tell her, as amy suggests, when you are alone together that you feel she is too critical of you, hopefully she'll gasp and say that she thinks you're a wonderful mother and she's just trying to help.


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    New Member Mommyoftwo's Avatar
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    Thanks!

    I will definetly try that!

  5. #5
    Zoo
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    On the other hand, if she says "I'm only telling you what to do because you're doing everything wrong," come on back and we'll give you some new ammunition.


  6. #6
    New Member Mommyoftwo's Avatar
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    I'll be sure to do that!

  7. #7
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    Hi there. I can completely relate to what you are going through! I have dealt with an overbearing and controlling mother my entire life! All I heard when still living at home was "when you get a place of your own or kids of your own, you can do things your way, until then you live under my roof and this is how you will do things!" Hahah! well I got a place of my own, met my husband, we got married, had 2 boys and she is still trying to tell me what to do or constantly telling me I am doing this that or the other thing wrong! She is barely even around yet still figures she has the right to tell me how to run my own life! She never offers to help me out with anything! On the rare occassion she offers childcare (which has been not even a handful of times in 4 years!) she is only ever willing to take my eldest son and never my youngest as well (he gets all upset and spends the entire time his older brother is with her being all clingy, crying, etc). My mother just keeps saying "I can't chase the 2 of them!" (meanwhile I have a chronic sore back and am home with them 24/7! so I have a difficult time too but I do it because I wanted to have kids!). My mother cannot relate to my life at all! She doesn't understand why I don't work (I am a SAHM through a choice I made years ago). She figures I should be financially contributing to this household as well! In all honesty, being a SAHM for me has been the hardest and most trying job I have ever had and a very thankless one at that! Furthermore, I am in no state physically to work right now with my back, etc. I want the opportunity to be home with my 2 children and raise them and I have that right. I am done with my mother making me feel guilty for the choices I have made in my life!
    I have never felt as though I could go to my mother about anything and I still feel this way today. I have been judged my entire life by her, so I recently made up my mind that I no longer go to her for advice, help, etc. Everything to her is an ordeal so I just don't ask. I tell her what I am doing now and it seems to shut her up! Just do things the way YOU see fit! If she doesn't like it, that's HER problem! She had her chance to raise a child and now it's your chance to do the same! If she becomes a true nuisance even after being told by you that you are more than capable, etc just put her on ignore for a while! I guarantee it will work! It's not a nice thing to have to do but sometimes you have no choice.
    I am not sure how often your mother is around? Mine isn't around often at all! She always has "better" things to do than come see her grandkids, me, etc. Although, I do have to admit, I wouldn't want/couldn't stand a mother who was around all the time either! It would drive me bonkers! I know what kind of grandmother I will NOT be one day!

    Good luck to you! I know how frustrating it can be!
    Last edited by 2boysmom; 11-28-2007 at 10:18 PM.

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    ITA, we're on your side here!! My MIL tried to "take over" when my daughter was born, always carrying her around and showing her off. I felt slightly bad for her, because she had tried desperately to have a girl, and with Paige being the first grandchild AND a girl, MIL was over the moon. But eventually I had to put my foot down and say, wait a minute... I'm the mom, she's MY child, give her back, kwim? I was told with both children that I was "spoiling" them, which would make my blood boil but I just rolled my eyes and shrugged my shoulders. Whatevz.

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    New Member Mommyoftwo's Avatar
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    Thanks! I can't believe that there is actually somebody else going through the same sort of torture a sI am! Although my mother is constantly over (almost 3-4 times a week) And I am sort going through the same kind thing with the kids. She gives more attention to my oldest(first grandchild) and sort of leaves my youngest in the dust!Which makes my blood boil!I have told her that Hannah (youngest) notices that she doesn`t the same attention(I can see it in her eyes) as Hailey(oldest) She looks at me like I don`t know what I talking about and denies that she does it. Hailey also is cling with her aswell and a little whiny towards her. I can undrstand that Hailey is her first grandchild, but she has two grandchildren not one! When me and my husband conceieved Hannah, my mother was so mad and said `don`t you have control of you`re body` Saying that getting pregant again so fast was a mistake!! A MISTAKE!! Can you believe that ! I think that migt be the reason she treats Hannah differently! But still come on now! I`ve just recently separated from my Husband and her behaviour is getting worse! I feel like hanging up on her totally, but it`s christmas soon.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zoo View Post
    On the other hand, if she says "I'm only telling you what to do because you're doing everything wrong," come on back and we'll give you some new ammunition.
    Duck and take cover!!!

    I have to say I never had a problem with my Mom, but my now 'ex' MIL, yes! There was a time that I did cut all interaction with her and I. It was up to the kids father to 'visit' with the children and her. That didn't happen much either. Since divorcing, I did try again to have the kids & her have some sort of relationship, but nothing has changed and I have once again 'given up'. Good luck. I can only imagine how stressful everything must be.

  11. #11
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    I had the same problem but with my own grandmother (dd's great grams). My mom lives out of town so my grandma took it upon herself to come over ALL the time to 'help'. At first it was appreciated because I had a c-section and DH had to go back to work. But after I was feeling better and able to do more, EVERYTHING I did was wrong. Especially when I ended up switching to formula after a long battle with breast feeding. My grandma went to breast feeding clinics on my behalf and would return to tell me what I was doing wrong, even though I had already gone a few times myself. She also went as far as to call the public health nurse because she felt I should be waking DD at night to feed, but I felt that she'd wake up if she was hungry. I eventually had to ask her to take a step back and to only offer advice if requested. It's ok now, but it was pretty rough for awhile. i'm surprised i didn't just let her have it!!!

  12. #12
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom! mamabear's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ellasmommy View Post
    My grandma went to breast feeding clinics on my behalf and would return to tell me what I was doing wrong, even though I had already gone a few times myself.
    I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when I first read that I ed. My mother is the same way, she is always crossing the boundary between helping and interfering.

    I try to look on the bright side: if/when I become a grandmother, I am going to have learned a poo-load from this experience and I'm going to be the most supportive and helpful mother or mother-in-law I can be.

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