So mad I could spit.

[tansie]

I didn't know where to put this rant - please bear with me - but I figured you mommas would understand.

A "friend" on facebook had a thing that said S.W. (her initials) likes "how come my knight in shining armour always ends up being a retard in tin foil?"

I was shocked, surprised, gobsmacked to say the least. We had the following exchange PRIVATELY...

**********ME: I have to admit that I was kind of shocked that you would "like" something like this that uses the word retard in that way.

HER: I really think you have taken it the wrong way and I am sorry that you think this of me.

ME: But, that's what shocked me, because I don't think of you that way... and, I'm sorry but there is only one way to take it.... that use of the word retard is incorrect and demeaning - and sets back movements trying to eliminate the word- to those that are mentally retarded. I thought that was something that you would understand... that's why I was so caught off-guard!
Do you not see how participating in the use of the word retard to mean "stupid, idiot, moron, etc" instead of it's proper meaning, would be hurtful to those that love someone that is mentally retarded? Or, think of it this way... what if a little boy that you know that is mentally retarded, hears over and over his peers calling each other retards, or using it out of context and as slang to mean stupid. Do you not think that he would then begin to think of himself as stupid, etc? (She knows at least 2 such little boys.)

I understand you don't "mean anything by it." But, I'm trying to make you realize that there is no possible way that it is okay other than when it is used in its proper context. And, even now it is being removed from medical journals, etc because it has lost it's true meaning.

Again, I don't think that way of you, and that is why I felt I could say something that might make you think "hmmm, ya, never thought of it that way. It isn't funny."************


So. I discussed it with a mutual friend that is one of my BFFs. She is a closer friend with this person, but was also mystified with both her "liking" the statement to begin with, and then getting defensive when approached about it. So, a few things have me ranting and raving right now.

1) We (my bff who is the mother of one of the two aforementioned boys, and whose other kids this person cared for in a facility daycare) both really expected to hear "Gosh, sorry. I never thought of it that way. YIKES." Or something similar.

2) Instead, I get defriended and blocked by S.W.!

3) But BFF does not get defriended because, although she totally agrees with me and basically says WTF whenever we talk about it, she won't say boo to this person. The potential for, or the actual controversy is usually left to me to deal with. Makes me a little pissed off also with bff.

I did send the original person an email stating something along the lines that I thought the defriending and blocking was a bit of overkill, and reiterated that I thought she was someone that would understand where we were coming from. I am not expecting a reply.

But, man... I am steamed!

[ButterflyEffect]

Wow, she doesn't sound like much of a friend at all. She defriended you because you were hurt by something like that and she knows your ds? It kind of speaks to the kind of person it sounds like she is, ykwim?

I would be steaming too, and good for you for approaching her in a level headed, educating way. Hopefully she will think twice next time.

[tansie]

Originally Posted by ButterflyEffect

Wow, she doesn't sound like much of a friend at all. She defriended you because you were hurt by something like that and she knows your ds? It kind of speaks to the kind of person it sounds like she is, ykwim?

I would be steaming too, and good for you for approaching her in a level headed, educating way. Hopefully she will think twice next time.

Thanks, R. That's what gets me though... is that I totally DON'T think of her that way, but now it made me completely second-guess her with the whole defriend and block thing. (She was also my nieces “teacher“ at daycare.) And, it steams me that my BFF won't step up for something she claims to so strongly believe in too... they are closer friends. i only know the person and see her through bff, so no skin off my back EXCEPT that I was totally blindsided by her actions as was BFF. but, again. BFF won't say anything. GAH!

[sittingpretty]

Im sorry she is like that, she sure does not sound like a friend at all.

[tansie]

cross-posted SP. See my reply to BE.

[HappyandBlessed]

With friends like that...

Good for you for giving her food for thought; I bet she is thinking about what she wrote and how hurtful it was (even if she doesn't admit it). I totally agree that words have power and when we use them inappropriately it can lead to hurt feelings, perpetuated stereotypes and a lot of other problems.

Hugs to you - I find confrontation difficult and it always makes me nervous, but I think you were very wise and brave to speak up.

[tansie]

Originally Posted by MumofBoys

With friends like that...

Good for you for giving her food for thought; I bet she is thinking about what she wrote and how hurtful it was (even if she doesn't admit it). I totally agree that words have power and when we use them inappropriately it can lead to hurt feelings, perpetuated stereotypes and a lot of other problems.

Hugs to you - I find confrontation difficult and it always makes me nervous, but I think you were very wise and brave to speak up.

Thank you. I think what is bothering me most, is that I THOUGHT I learned when to bother speaking up a long time ago. i once went away for the weekend with a girl I knew and HER friends. Needless to say, the R word came up. My friend knew how I felt about it, but said nothing. I broached the subject tenderly. Let's just say that I ended up attacked and took a $260 cab ride home!

Since then, I have only bothered speaking up to people that I truly believe will understand where i (and a gajillion others) am coming from. I guess that even though i didn't know this person that well, the fact that her and my bff are close, i felt I had a sense of who she was/is. I almost feel like I need my bff to choose now and that makes me so sad.

[*allie*]

Ah Tansie that just sucks. Likeyou said, even if she had said 'Wow I hadn't thought of it that way“, that's one thing. Like how some of us recently realised we'd used words like 'gyped' not realising it was from gypsies, or my relative says jewed not realising its origins...if after you explain it, someone apologizes and mends their wasy, that's one thing.
To just get all huffy and storm off in a defriending fury?
That doesn't show understanding or remorse. It shows
immaturity.

[HappyandBlessed]

Originally Posted by tansie

Thank you. I think what is bothering me most, is that I THOUGHT I learned when to bother speaking up a long time ago. i once went away for the weekend with a girl I knew and HER friends. Needless to say, the R word came up. My friend knew how I felt about it, but said nothing. I broached the subject tenderly. Let's just say that I ended up attacked and took a $260 cab ride home!

Since then, I have only bothered speaking up to people that I truly believe will understand where i (and a gajillion others) am coming from. I guess that even though i didn't know this person that well, the fact that her and my bff are close, i felt I had a sense of who she was/is. I almost feel like I need my bff to choose now and that makes me so sad.

It is hard to know when it's worth the effort. I used to teach core French and we would always have a discussion about the meaning of the word “retard“ whenever I would teach the expression, “Je suis en retard“. It amazed me how the original meaning was completely unknown to my students and they seemed to be more sensitive to how the word was used once they understood the “history“ of the word.

Maybe try to sleep on how to deal with your bff. Not everyone has “found“ their voice. You have tried to enlighten the other person, her reaction is out of your control. (((HUGS)))

[tansie]

Originally Posted by *allie*

Ah Tansie that just sucks. Likeyou said, even if she had said 'Wow I hadn't thought of it that way“, that's one thing. Like how some of us recently realised we'd used words like 'gyped' not realising it was from gypsies, or my relative says jewed not realising its origins...if after you explain it, someone apologizes and mends their wasy, that's one thing.
To just get all huffy and storm off in a defriending fury?
That doesn't show understanding or remorse. It shows
immaturity.

EXACTLY!

Originally Posted by MumofBoys

It is hard to know when it's worth the effort. I used to teach core French and we would always have a discussion about the meaning of the word “retard“ whenever I would teach the expression, “Je suis en retard“. It amazed me how the original meaning was completely unknown to my students and they seemed to be more sensitive to how the word was used once they understood the “history“ of the word.

Maybe try to sleep on how to deal with your bff. Not everyone has “found“ their voice. You have tried to enlighten the other person, her reaction is out of your control. (((HUGS)))

I know. I'll likely sit and listen to hear be shocked this other person acted like that... then the next week I'll listen to how they went out to dinner together. SIGH. Life just sucks sometimes.

[tansie]

Oh, forgot to mention... although blocked, I looked at her profile through someone elses... and she still has the

S.W. likes blah, blah, retard in tin foil.

So, obviously she just doesn't give a sh*t!

[myrrah]

Sorry tansie. I actually saw that on facebook too recently, can't remember whose status update but I was pretty surprised. I seem to remember it was someone who is usually pretty aware, too.

[Mamarazzi]

Ya that status has been going around for a while. Unoriginal bastards!

I dont get her response! I mean I have used the r word around you, totally by accident cause I was weaning off it due to some recent enlightenment and alls it took was 'OMG thats awkward! it just flew out! Sorry!' and we laughed and moved on. Point is, you are not unreasonable about it.

[Jasmin]

Some people just don't care, and just like using the word anyway. They just do, and no I'm not defending them here either.

If you've truly been friends with this person for a long time, hopefully you can both get past it and work it out.

[tansie]

Originally Posted by myrrah

Sorry tansie. I actually saw that on facebook too recently, can't remember whose status update but I was pretty surprised. I seem to remember it was someone who is usually pretty aware, too.

Ya, it's one of those so-and-so LIKES blah, blah, blah on whatever. I'll admit... trade the word loser, idiot, moron, or something similar for the r-word, and it is funny and no longer offensive.

Originally Posted by Mamarazzi

Ya that status has been going around for a while. Unoriginal bastards!

I dont get her response! I mean I have used the r word around you, totally by accident cause I was weaning off it due to some recent enlightenment and alls it took was 'OMG thats awkward! it just flew out! Sorry!' and we laughed and moved on. Point is, you are not unreasonable about it.

That's what my other friend and I totally expected... an OMG, I'm so sorry! And the LIKE to disappear.

Instead, I get defriended and blocked and my other friend will just ignore it. She just had better not complain to me about it again.

Originally Posted by Sandyk

Some people just don't care, and just like using the word anyway. They just do, and no I'm not defending them here either.

If you've truly been friends with this person for a long time, hopefully you can both get past it and work it out.

First sentence - well, those people are just plain old ignorant, and I would have NO USE for them. I would also not waste my breath on them trying to explain why others may take offence.

That's just it. In the 5 years I have known her, I have NEVER heard her speak the word. In fact, sometimes when we are out with a group, we'll hear the word used and she will be cringing along with the rest of us. That's why this is just such a TOTAL shock to us.

And, she is more of an aquaintance/friend through a friend, so in the long run no sweat off my back. Just awkward - for her - if we end up in the same place in the future.