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  1. #1
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    Unhappy **WWYD LADIES*** I NEED your opinions

    I need the opinion of people who are not CLOSE to this ladies because this is definitely one of those situations where i am dam*** if I do and dam*** if I dont! and after 12 years I am too close to the situation....


    As some are aware I have custodial care and control, and physical custody for the past 12 years. She has not had any type of interaction with her biomom since 10.2003 (due to a issue which resulted in therapy and court appearances) and her biodad since 11.2005.
    Last week I received a FB msg that let me know he wanted to see her again, and he demanded I allow her to add him as a friend so "he could talk to her here". Daughter had already rejected him, she did not know who he was and I wasnt aware at that time.

    Well the brewhaha has begun...daughter wrote him a letter with me and ex, we sent it to him as she had requested he not contact her, she would contact him when she was older if thats what she wanted to do. She did the same thing last christmas with the biomom when she threatened me and the kids, death threats and abduction kinda things. Police involved.
    I called the CAS Monday and they advised me that if daughter didnt want to see him it was understood and they support that after all the trauma caused last time he came for a day and left never to be heard of until last Thursday. They also said "horrible position, damned if you do damned if you dont"

    He and his gf have taken to posting on FB Im controlling her, and suggested I had lied to her. "The truth will come out..." ummm, lets see the truth that you never contacted her, you never were there fro her birthday christmas, family deaths...and you only live less than 20 minutes away?
    Ummm no...I want to scream I am so frustrated right now! I didnt walk away...i was there for Office of the Childrens Lawyer, i have been to every therapist and counsellor with her, we have been subject to every possible investigation the CAS has over the years (never felt to be in the wrong neither)...and now this?

    Also, they took photos of daughter from my other daughters20 website and posted them to his page...daughter12 got mad over this! and wrote him a letter demanding he remove them...he called her by his last name, and she took my last name a few years back, and she said he had no right to act llike all was fine when he had not been here? Never seen her so mad really....


    Am I crazy? I know many of you are going to say BITE YOUR TONGUE....and Im trying...really I am...but ladies...please...WWYD?

  2. #2
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    I don't know your situation at all but i would stick to your guns! By the sounds of things she has made the informed decision to not want him involved in her life either. If things were so bad that she is now your court appointed daughter why put her through more crap by having the father try to be involved again. On Facebook I would report him and it if gets worse I would call the police.
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  3. #3
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    If Daughter is not interested in speaking with father then really all you can do is stand behind her. If you have already contacted CAS then keep a log of all the contact attempts and picture posting. You may want to get daughter to do the same so that they are aware these are her feelings and not yours

  4. #4
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    So sorry you and your DD are going through that! If I were you, I log everything down in case you need proof of things in future. If his harrassment doesn't stop, I would then get the police involved in the situation.
    A bit off topic here but when my DH's parents split when he was 2, his 'father' (for lack of better word here) never tried to contact him or have anything to do with him for a # of years. It was not until my Dh was about 16 that he went to his mom and asked her to track him down because he really wanted to see him again. They had an on again, off again type of relationship between the ages of 16-35 when at the age of 35, he made the final decision to cut him out of his life permenently, due to his father's immaturity and really not wanting much to do with any of his 4 kids anyways. we will unfortunately have to face him again when one/both of my Dh's grandparents passes on and we are so not looking forward to it. His 'father' has never met my youngest son and has seen my oldest son just twice in his life. I am not about to try to establish a relationship between him and our kids now. We see no point.
    It's amazing just how messy things can get in seperation and divorce cases years late,r isn't it?
    Wishing you all the best with this situation! Just keep your DD as safe as you can, which I know you're already doing.

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    Double posted! Oops!
    Last edited by 2boysmom; 06-25-2010 at 07:35 AM.

  6. #6
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    I'd block him from her fb, so she can not see what he's doing and get upset by it.
    I would not post pictures of her online on any of your family's websites, so he can not manipulate them, say he has photos up because he cares sooo much, blah blah.
    I would discourage her from sending any more letters which might just give him 'hope' or encouragement, if she does not want him in her life. It is mixed signals and he sounds unreliable and irrational.

    And I would stop replying to anything he sends that is not through a lawyer, no matter how much he's doing it just to piss you off so you'll reply.
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  7. #7
    Senior Member Satin_Thoughts's Avatar
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    Have you considered taking them to court for a peace bond where they cannot contact you/her?
    Mama to 3 active, beautiful, energetic, and always entertaining children.

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  8. #8
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    You can block him from seeing you even in the search bar; I have a few on my list and you can lock down you account so that he can't see any pics of you or your DD. I wouldn't respond to him at all, your DD doesn't want to see him, and if you've done everything according to the law and morals and your DD doesn't want to see him either, yeah, stick to your guns and nothing anyone can say will change the truth that is.

    Best wishes, I hate when parents come back when it's convenient, when they have TIME for their child or they're old enough to be what they want them to be. If you can't be there for the long haul, tough bananas.

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    CAS is coming agains today at 3..will update after...daughter hurt herself at school today so its been interesting
    ARRGH....

    foxi...did you get my note?

  10. #10
    Expert Forum User foximamma's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shellie View Post
    CAS is coming agains today at 3..will update after...daughter hurt herself at school today so its been interesting
    ARRGH....

    foxi...did you get my note?
    just got your PM I msgd you back.
    no worries - take care of her.

    ETA: just read the thread. So sorry you guys have to deal with this. I would agree with Allie. Poor girl having to be tugged around like that and treated like that by her father.

    and CAS can't do anything? seems like somebody should be able to do something when someone is taking pictures of a child without permission.
    Last edited by foximamma; 06-25-2010 at 01:23 PM.



  11. #11
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    Because they were posted on facebook, I am not sure if anything can be done about the pictures. At this point, perhaps the 20 year old daughter should either take the photos down or make her settings WAAAAAAY more private, and the 12 year old daughter should block her bio dad. Poor kid! A peace bond might also be something to look into.





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  12. #12
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    I think it’s time to sit down and review what gets put online and personal privacy.

    First I would try to report the photos to facebook admin. If he doesn’t have permission to use those pictures (it sounds like it ‘stole’ them from someone else who posted them online), then FB will remove them for the bio-dad. I would then block the bio-dad from everyone’s FB profiles. If they do ever decide to re-connect with him, it’s a matter of unblocking him and sending him a message via FB.

    Lastly, review the privacy settings and talk to them about the consequences of posting things online. I would make this an opportunity to work with them to manage their presence online (which will be very valuable as they get older). I would also present the idea of disabling FB accounts for awhile (unfair, but a month or two of laying low will help)

  13. #13
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    **UPDATE**
    So we spent three hours with the CAS worker this afternoon, while she spoke to everyone, including my ex in Sarnia...to determine if I had “encouraged“ DD12 to come to that decision. DD12 ended up informing the worker she was “offended by her willingness to accept she did not want to deal with the drama his sudden appearance was going to cause her“...and that I had “not coerced her into thinking this way her parents abandonment years ago had“...They stand by that they support us if we say Thanks but no Thanks. My oldest children think I ought to let her visit him, but since they didn't pay for the years of therapy...I am not rushing to their opinions either...“Well if it was me mom...“ well it isn't you and you are just being nosey by adding them to your FB in the first place!

    We are all (meaning support agencies and I) are all of the agreement that this is a situation where there is no possible outcome that would include me not being to blame to some degree, as they are only offering excuses that allow for me to be the bad guy. Honestly though, 12 years later, I am so tired of dealing with these infrequent but emotionally charged episodes. Always having to 'on' is ridiculous.

    I want to write him a letter that says “ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?...do you have a clue what you have done to her?“ but I'm still biting my tongue


    Thank you to those who responded.

  14. #14
    Junior Member c123's Avatar
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    I am sorry that you and your family have to go through this. I give you respect for sticking up for your daughter12. It will mean the world to her to have someone “on her side“, because although she is old enough to make decisions she is not old enough to go through the motions alone.




  15. #15
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    Thanks c123
    i just hate the intrusion again after 5 years...the past 12 years with a number of CAS workers...and each time you have to explain from the beginning...

    I mean does no one read the files these days?

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