March Break visitation

[Tanya-Mae]

Looking for opinions here....

"Typically" my kids go to their fathers over march break. I have asked my daughter what she would like to do... go to her dad's (Sudbury) or stay with me in Kitchener. She has told me both times I've asked her that she would like to stay in Kitchener. When I tell her that's fine with me but I am just curious as to the reasons behind her decision she does not have an answer for me. I've also asked her if she would tell her father the same thing (want to stay in Kitchener) if he were to ask her and she dodges the question... very non-committal.. but I do know that she wouldn't. She has troubles speaking up for herself. I have told her father this and she is beeing seen by a psychologist weekly for counselling for this and other issues. I have no problem telling him that she wishes to stay here and I also have no problem suggesting that he comes down here if he wishes to see the kids but I know he will have troubles with this. I will be accused of deniying him access. Just today I get an email from him saying he cannot come down for Daegan's b-day party this weekend because he is saving his money for the March Break. He is expecting the kids to be there, just because... suggesting from Saturday 13th thru to 17th or 18th. Daegan has a hockey game in Brampton onthe 13th and needs to be at Sick Kids on the 18th... both things he knows about if he were to remember the info I send him via email. I don't know how to handle this. What I do know is both kids travel as a unit... if Taylor goes/doesn't go, so does Daegan. Last year the kids (and I ) had no idea what was going on March Break until it was half over because he did not communicate. They ended up being there the final weekend of the break.. that's it. Previous to that they would spend the whole break there but then again that was before things really blew up between myself and his current gf and her mother (long story). I just don't know what to do. I do not want to force my kids to go if they do not want to but I know I'll end up looking like the "bad" person here and personally I do admit that I'd rather them just stay with my due to some of the games being played on the father's end but... in the end I want to do what my kids want. Ughhh... why must things always be so complicated? Having your children visit with the other parent should never be this difficult!

[Stepher]

Sounds like toughie. Obviously you know your daughter better then me but I do remeber when I was little telling both parents seperatly I'd rather be with them because you think you should say that. I was eager to please both, even tho they got along pretty well, and would often saay what I thought they wantd to hear. Just a thought.

And I dont believe it can be “denying access“ if its not in an agreement or specifically requested.
Maybe split the time?? Have D home by the time he needs to do all his stuff.

[Dianne]

If this was an agreement you had with him as part of visitation than you should not have asked her. She is likely feeling obligated to say she wants to be with you which may cause her guilty feelings for going and enjoying....which i am sure you do not want.

[myrrah]

If he is a good dad and she knows him, I don't believe the choice should be up to her. I think it should just be 'what happens,' kwim?

[Kaisa]

I agree with the PP.
If we were to ever ask J if he wanted to go visit his Mom, he would say no. He hates going there every other March Break and half of Christmas, but it's important he does it.
So with us, when he asks how long he is going away for, and we say a week, we have to quickly play it up and try to make it exciting. Legally we wouldn't be able to let him stay here because we do have a court order that has all the access times set in stone.

[myrrah]

Re the hockey game and doc appointment, those are his responsibility IMO and him taking the kids = a commitment to at least the doc appointment.

[Tanya-Mae]

We only have a 2005 interm court order which states: “reasonable visitation with reasonable notice“. We do not get along at all.. there are huge communicatiuon issues that I would love to rectify but unfortunately I cannot do that alone... he needs to participate in the process and he simply doesn't.. instead he plays possum, having zero contact, not acknowleging any correspondence, thinking the passage of time “fixes things“ until he explodes again verbal abuse, then the cycle repeats itself .

My wording to her when I talked about March Break was “what would you like to do March Break“ and “is there anything you would like to do over March Break“ Yeah, I do fully realize that she may be keeping things inside from me too... I am not that naive to think otherwise... but I do know she understands I will make sure they see their father anytime they want to. I just have stopped pushing for them to see eachother... those days are over and I have told their father that point-blank. If the kids ask to see him, fine. If he asks to see them, fine. It is just now as she has gotten older that she does not always want to see him and truthfully I do not want to “make her“. I am only concerned with pushing her (in anyway) because she is so emotionally fragile (diagnosed Social Anxiety Disorder & Adjustment Disorder by a psychiatrist). If it weren't for the surrounding circumstances.. (ie her emotional state as one) I would simply tell her she is going unless she tells her father otherwise. I have done that in the past. Yeah, anytime the kids have ever been with their dad which has been a maximum 3 time a year , I do play it up in a positive light to them big time! Like I've always said... seeing your parents should always be a good thing (I just wish that were the reality).

[Tanya-Mae]

Well, I responded to his email today. Asked him with where and with whom the children will be staying (a long story chronicled in other posts). I figure my plan wil lbe the following: tell Taylor that she (and her brother) will be spending March Break with their father... unless she is to tell him otherwise. I will tell their father, assuming acceptable accomodations are in place, that he will be taking both kid for the entire March Break. We'll see how much drama this creates when he realizes that he thus has “parental responsibilities“ of getting Daegan to his functions. Honestly, I am expecting lots of hostility (based on previous experiences) with the probably influx of excuses why he cannot keep both kids for the week. We'll see...

[cmhellcat28]

any responce yet?

[Tanya-Mae]

As if.. lol! No, not yet but I'll be sure to let you all know when he does. It typically takes him a while to respond back, if ever.

[Tanya-Mae]

still no response... I just sent him another email message. Inexcuseably pathetic but totally expected

[Tanya-Mae]

Still no response and I am frustrated. I hate what this is doing to me and I hate what this is doing to the kids! How long am I supposed to just sit back and wait for him to get off his butt and step-up? I would so much rather simply tell him what is going to happen... stop letting him have this manipulating power over the situation... but I am just trying so hard to stay on the high road for the sake of the kids. When is enough enough?

[BabyLove]

I would probably just write him saying if I don't heard from you by said date I will assume that means you are choosing to forego March Break and that the kids will stay with me. I don't think you should have to re-arrange things for you and your kids at the last minute. You are right it isn't fair and it certainly doesn't take more than a minute for him to write a reply of his intentions.

[Stepher]

Thats nuts. I would be so PO'd. Completly agree with BabyLove. Like even if he was uncertain about if he could take them the whole time or whatever it takes 2 seconds to explain and atleast let you know one way or the other.

[sittingpretty]

Can you call and ask? I know you prefer only email but you dont want any excuses like oh no pc etc etc