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  1. #1
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!

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    Default mommy's rules/daddy's rules

    Lately DS has been telling me that when he's at his dad's house, "daddy is the boss."
    His father and I definitely have different thoughts about raising children (circumcision anyone?!)...and I've always had a hard time with that.
    Most recent example: DS is not allowed to play with guns in my house--I would prefer that he didn't play with them anywhere. DS told me he was playing with guns the other day at his dad's friend's house, with his daughter.
    And I'm not sure how to handle this. Obviously I cannot control what my child does when he's with his father. And I can't make his father give him the same rules that I have.
    So I told DS how I felt about guns, why I felt that way, etc...and told him that when I am not there, he needs to decide for himself if he thinks that is a good decision or not.
    Anything suggestions? It must be so confusing for him to have two sets of rules.

  2. #2
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    I think you're heading into paying parents off each other territory. No experience as athe parent but I totally did it as a kid.

    I remember wanting the Meridith Brooks (the 'Im and *****' one ) and alanis morissett (SP???) cds at approx age 11/12? Mom said no. So I asked dad. Guess what I got for my birthday?

    No adivce, just hugs!
    Mommy to DS Jan '06, DD July '09, DS Feb '11, DD Dec '12
    Wife to my wonderful DH of 8 years
    http://handsbetterfull.blogspot.com/

  3. #3
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom! PancakeMom's Avatar
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    I don't think it is confusing at all. I run into the same sort of issues. I make it clear what the rules are and how I feel about things. (No guns or talk about killing here either!) Its no different then a child being at school, a babysitters or at a grandparents where the rules may be different. The most important part is to make it clear what the rules are at your house, so he knows what to expect.


    Everything I love is illegal, immoral or fattening.

  4. #4
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!

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    Well he knows that he has to follow my rules at my house. But his dad doesn't have rules, lol. The other day DS was in the bathroom washing his hands after he went pee, and he says “daddy told me i don't have to wash my hands at his house.“ WTF. So I'm trying to teach DS that he needs to do what is best for him in that situation--wash his hands, not just follow blindly whatever daddy tells him, yk?

    ETA: I guess part of the issue is that I'm trying to teach him how to make his own decisions, based on what he knows is right, or what he feels is the best thing to do. I think he's growing out of that stage where he just does what he does out of obedience, and he's beginning to think more for himself--so I want to guide that thinking in the right direction, ykwim?
    Last edited by Thistle; 02-05-2010 at 04:26 PM.

  5. #5
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    when d had access with dumper I learned to love the saying “thats dads house not here honey“ its such a fine line when it comes down how judges would view it that my lawyer suggested just going with the above


    (note in my case he was also trying to claim I was trying to turn her against him)

  6. #6
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom! PancakeMom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by brown_eyed_girl View Post
    ETA: I guess part of the issue is that I'm trying to teach him how to make his own decisions, based on what he knows is right, or what he feels is the best thing to do. I think he's growing out of that stage where he just does what he does out of obedience, and he's beginning to think more for himself--so I want to guide that thinking in the right direction, ykwim?
    Sounds like you are already doing the right thing!


    Quote Originally Posted by sittingpretty View Post
    when d had access with dumper I learned to love the saying “thats dads house not here honey“ its such a fine line when it comes down how judges would view it that my lawyer suggested just going with the above
    Exactly.


    Everything I love is illegal, immoral or fattening.

  7. #7
    Expert Forum User Maddens's Momma's Avatar
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    sounds like you are handling the situation very well already
    "Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you'll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way." Janet Fitch (White Oleander)

  8. #8
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    We are having the same problem with my little 2 1/2 year old grandson who is in my daycare and comes in extremely agressive every Monday after the weekend with his Dad and has learned to fight with fists, 'gums'-his word for guns, the fighting robots on movies like Astroboy, and wrestling with his Dad. Boy stuff, ok, but the violent tendencies are not acceptable. So my daughter has been talking to her ex about it, but what the heck are we supposed to do?

  9. #9
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom! PancakeMom's Avatar
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    Thats just it...there is nothing we can do! Assert our values, stick to our rules and hope it all works out. I went through a spell where the kids did lots of wrestling with dad and then they would come home and hurt me trying to play the same way. It took a while but now the know its not something they can do with/at mom's.


    Everything I love is illegal, immoral or fattening.

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