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  1. #1
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!

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    Default Avery Grace RIP 3 years today. long and kind of disconnected rambling post. sorry!

    Again the day isn't so bad, the lead up is always worse, this year especially I've been touchy in the last few weeks. People are forgeting, which is hard. The "lets pretend the unpleasantness didn't happen" mentality. sigh. Some things never change but I'm trying. They remember all my other children's birthdays though. My mom remembered, she didn't say, but I heard it in her "how are you today?" She had a full term stillborn daughter too, so understands. She still marks the years as well. I'll be glad to see the end of the day so it is over. I guess it's the anticipation of it coming. It's seems so odd to think she would have been 3 years old and I would have been taking her to preschool, and dance classes, yelling at her to leave her brother's alone and vice versa. lol Anyway today is not as bad as I thought it would be, I don't think I'm going to go to the grave. I feel a bit guilty but I don't know...she's with me in a different way now.

    The grief has changed so much from the beginning, there is not a single day that I don't think of her and yet there is so much I wouldn't have done if I hadn't gone through her stillbirth. She taught me how to have courage and to see past the minor problems to my goal. I would not have gone back to school and pursued my dream if it hadn't been for her. She completely changed my perspective of what's important.

    Shortly after she died, I read the novel The Red Tent. There is this scene of Dinah as a midwife delivering a baby where mom/baby are at risk of dying, and she sees death as a person lurking in the corner. It has been like that from the beginning for me, and that scene has stayed with me all this time. At first death was something to be afraid of, to rail at, and when I was pregnant something to protect against. Now, three years into this and still finding my way, I think I figured out it is not any of those things; It's not companionable by any stretch and I have long stopped being afraid, but still it lurks in the corners of my mind as a reminder to be appreciative and to Live. Ok now I'm really rambling but I love that quote. I wish I could find it!

    I know there has been a few people this year on LMs that have experienced stillbirth either first hand or through a friend or family member. I'm always so sad to hear about it happening to someone else and again I am so so sorry. It's the reason why I'm so vocal about Avery, knowing your not some aberration going home with a box of foreign momentos instead of a baby like everyone else. Knowing that others have survived it really helped me accept what happened and I hope my openess puts a face to stillbirth and helps others to begin to search for their acceptance too in a small way. It changes who you are but not all of it is bad either, you can take it and turn it into a positive force. It won't always be as painful, though there will always be days, it does provide you a focus I'm sure like other close losses do as well. I remember each of you both past and the new ones of this year both on LMs and elsewhere. My thoughts are with you and your babies today too. Rememberance is so important.

    I miss you Avery. Not a day goes by when I don't think of you, and wonder who you would have become, but a part of me feels like I kind of already know. I know you in the way a mother knows her child before they ever meet. It will always be that way. I know your at peace and most of the time I am too. love Mommy.
    Last edited by Carol; 02-04-2010 at 11:26 AM.
    Cole is 8 years old! January, 2005
    Nate is 5 years old! January, 2008
    Judah is 2 years old! October, 2010
    Avery Grace born & passed Feb 4, 2007.

    "Why did I not know that birth is the pinnacle where women discover the courage to become mothers?"
    Anita Diamant (The Red Tent)

  2. #2
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    hugs, i am crying!!! that is such a sweet message.I am sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine how that must feel. hugs again.

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    I'm thinking of you today Carol. Big hug. xo

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    ((Hugs))

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    Hugs.. thinking of you today... sorry for your loss!

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    Expert Forum User flamingogirl's Avatar
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    As sad as they make me, part of me loves reading your posts about Avery every year....they remind me to appreciate the moment, and to hug and kiss my daughter even more. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Will be thinking of you today...
    Mama to TWO little sweetie pies!!







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    I don't understand losing a child, but I understand losing a loved one. I know that the leading up to the date is always the hard.

    I will be thinking of you and Avery Grace today.

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    Hugs

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    Junior Member koolnurse5's Avatar
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    Big hugs, what a sweet message.....

  10. #10
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!
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    Hugs! Thank you for that post, it reminds us all to hug our children more today and not to sweat the small stuff!

    I hope the day goes ok for you!








    “life is not measured by the breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away“

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    Hugs to you Carol and rest in peace sweet Avery. I am glad you keep telling your story Carol and your strength and Avery's spirit is inspiring to me.
    Mom of 2 girls, unschooler, feminist, runner and just general lover of life.

    Need a doula or prenatal classes? www.babeezeinarms.com

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    Children are not our own art products to be turned out well, but their own life work in continual process.” -Jan Fortune Wood"

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    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!

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    I'm still hunting for that darn quote but I can't find it. I think it must be a bit obscure. Why don't I own this book? lol Anyway here's another that I love that I did find. It's not about death but about birth and the intersection of the two. If you haven't read this book...you've got to read this book! I'm going to put it in my siggy, sorry Blake you've got to go.

    “There should be a song for women to sing at this moment, or a prayer to recite. But perhaps there is none because there are no words strong enough to name that moment. Like every mother since the first mother, I was overcome and bereft, exalted and ravaged. I have crossed over from girlhood. I beheld myself as an infant in my mother's arms, and caught a glimpse of my own death. I wept, without knowing whether I rejoiced or mourned. My mothers and theirs mothers were with me as I held my baby.“
    ~ from The Red Tent by Anita Diamant





    Cole is 8 years old! January, 2005
    Nate is 5 years old! January, 2008
    Judah is 2 years old! October, 2010
    Avery Grace born & passed Feb 4, 2007.

    "Why did I not know that birth is the pinnacle where women discover the courage to become mothers?"
    Anita Diamant (The Red Tent)

  13. #13
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!

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    I'm so sorry Carol I am sitting here balling reading your post but want to thank you so very much for sharing that with us. May she always be remembered.
    On a side not here, my MIL also had a stillborn baby girl a good 42 years ago now or so and I'm sure there isn't a day goes by, even now that she doesn't think about that baby too. It's hard and it's always going to be a part of you. I'm just so sorry that anyone has to go through it Hugs to you and anyone else whose been through it.

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    Everybody's soul has a role to play and clearly hers touched your life in a way that you can now see. I can't imagine the grief and pain, but in those emotions, a true identity was born...yours..and what a gift.
    Vanessa Case RHN
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    I am so sorry Carol for your loss of Avery. My friend who lost her baby last year also finds that people (who are not mothers mostly) want to pretend it's no big deal. I sent her the book you rec'd her and it helped her a lot I think, so thank you for that. I am thinking of your girl today.

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