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  1. #1
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!
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    Unhappy How do you get over the anger?

    I keep skirting around it. I keep poking at it, getting angry, and then backing away before the tears begin.

    I'm still SO PISSED that my mother left me like this. I'm angry that yet ANOTHER Christmas has gone by where she couldn't/wouldn't/refused/was unable to be a part of it.

    I want to stomp my feet and scream at the top of my lungs, like a small child. I still feel like a small child. A ripped off, frustrated and sad child.

    Christmas was never a good time. We all put on our happy faces and acted like it was, but there were unspoken rules, and fear. Always fear. I was always afraid she would yell about something. I had to wait until my parents got up before presents. My mother routinely slept in until 11am. We had to eat breakfast before presents. I was patient. I waited. I never complained. I never got to tear into the presents willy-nilly.

    Dad would make dinner, and the fear that something would be under/over cooked, done incorrectly... whatever. She was never happy. The pain I feel remembering her pushing herself away from the table because she was pissed about something. My heart would break and I would wonder WHY she had to always find something wrong. Always.

    I spent a lot of time in my room, to stay out of trouble. I was a good kid. DAMMIT I was a GOOD KID. Why was I treated like I was bad?! Why was I always a disappointment?

    Why do I still miss her so badly. My heart is breaking. Another Christmas where I couldn't get her to see how much she was hurting me. How come she couldn't see it? How come she had to be like this until the bitter end? How come she couldn't see the joy on her grandchildren's faces when they opened their presents. WHY?!

    Why do I feel like I have to remain so strong and hold back the tears, why am I still afraid of her? Why am I so angry that she STILL makes me feel like this. Like I did something wrong.

    Sorry I have to get this out, it's eating me alive. Couple this with the shite I'm going through with DH... just makes me want to shake him and say WAKE UP before our kids are asking the same f*cking questions. They don't deserve to EVER feel the way I do right now No one does.

  2. #2
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    OMG.
    I am so so sad for you. Thats a terrible story. I obviously have no answers for you, but gosh, I just had to let you know that you didnt deserve that.

  3. #3
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    Hugs babe. My heart breaks for you. Of course you deserve better, of course you deserve happiness. I don't know what to say. I still have everything I hold dear. Thank you for reminding me that it's not about me this time of year, it's about them. You're a good mom. You're a good person and no one has the right to make you feel otherwise. Big hugs to you. I wish I could say something to make it better, to suggest a better way out, but I can't. I'm sorry. The pain is very real and very true. I hope you find your way through all this pain, into and onto a better place and a better future. Until then, nothing but big virtual hugs from me, and few drinks thrown in for good measure

  4. #4
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    hugs Amy lots more to say... but later .

  5. #5
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    So sorry Amy I don't have answers for you but just wanted to offer a hug and let you know that I was listening.
    Mom of 2 girls, unschooler, feminist, runner and just general lover of life.

    Need a doula or prenatal classes? www.babeezeinarms.com

    "Me thinks that the moment my legs began to move, my thoughts began to flow."
    - Henry David Thoreau

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    Children are not our own art products to be turned out well, but their own life work in continual process. -Jan Fortune Wood"

  6. #6
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    I'm sorry Amy Hugs.

  7. #7
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    Hugs.....that is terrible to experience as a child.

  8. #8
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    Three busy boys and one lovely little lady!

  9. #9
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    virutal (((HUGS))) from me too...

  10. #10
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    I'm so sorry u are going though this. Big hugs
    Tiffany
    Mom to Ben, Jonathan and Zachary


  11. #11
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    Hugs!
    Mommy to DS Jan '06, DD July '09, DS Feb '11, DD Dec '12
    Wife to my wonderful DH of 8 years
    http://handsbetterfull.blogspot.com/

  12. #12
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    Hgus Amy. i can't imagine feeling that way

  13. #13
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    *hugs*
    jennifer mommy to 4 amazing kids!

  14. #14
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    I'm sorry Amy.

  15. #15
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    I wish I could give advice Amy... but I am still at a loss for my own Mum. She moved out of country when I was 11 so she could 'be happy'. I don't think you ever will understand it (I know I don't). I think you just have to try to accept and move on... easier said than done... I am still working on that.
    On the plus side, you sound like you are extra cautious with making sure your children won't ever feel the way you did. I think this is amazing. I think the fact alone shows that you are a much better mum than yours will ever be and you just have to take solisce in the fact that you are not her and SHE is the one missing out. Not you.
    *~* The point isn't whether they lived happily ever after, the point is that they lived*~

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