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  1. #1
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!

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    Default email from my mother UPDATE: email from dad!

    So I told my mother that DS and I were staying home for Christmas this year, instead of going to their place....so she's asked me why like a hundred times now, and I've thoroughly explained it to her more than once. She called me last night to ask me again, and I then when I told her I didn't want to explain myself again, she hung up on me.

    So. Today I get this email from her...

    I just have to say I don't understand what's happening here. I have always thought that you and Dad and I had a pretty good relationship, and now I feel like everything I thought I knew, was wrong. I feel like I have been stabbed in the heart, my heart is truly breaking, All we ever wanted was the best for you, for you to be happy, and to be together as a family. I understand that you want to spend Christmas with Raistlin and (DS's father) at your home, but we are your family too, and we want to spend time with all of us together, I know we are not perfect, but nobody is, but we love each other in spite of our imperfections, don't we? We have given our hearts and souls to you and Raistlin over the years and we are hurting so much right now. Please, please try to understand how we are feeling and reciprocate with the love that we have always had for each other.
    How do I respond to this???
    Last edited by Thistle; 12-14-2009 at 09:24 PM.

  2. #2
    Senior Member MomtoTanis's Avatar
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    Tell her that you do love her and your dad, but that this is what YOU feel is best for YOUR family this year.

    Tell me again why THEY can't come down to your house for Christmas?? Does it have to be all or nothing with them?

  3. #3
    Senior Member Hunter's Mom's Avatar
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    Oh wow, what a guilt trip she's pulling...

    I'd tell her that she's more than welcome to come visit at your house over the holiday's, but your decision is final.

    Well that's what I'd tell someone if they wrote that to me. I'm very blunt. That is not fair to you or your family. At.All.



  4. #4
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom! mamabear's Avatar
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    Honestly I would be tempted to pull the same thing in reverse since she's clearly not going to listen to the truth.
    “I think R deserves to be at home for Christmas, why would you make us drive all the way out there just so he could be with his grandparents that he so loves? Don't you love us, why won't you make this effort for us?“ etc.

    I know, not productive, but. I think you've done everything you can to be reasonable, so I'm not sure there's anything else to be done except say it one more time, along with a “if you love me so much why are you not listening to me?“

    Sounds frustrating, I hope she comes around.

  5. #5
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!

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    Oh dear. I'm sorry your mom is making you feel guilty for what in my opinion is a very natural decision to spend christmas in your own home. If it was me I would be empathetic towards her but firm and tell her it is not about her relationship with you or with your son but the relationship between you and your son and your need to build new traditions as a family.
    I've been there with dh's family(I'm the youngest so my siblings did all the work before me ) and it has been so worth it to have christmas with just my little family and see the grandparents on another day.
    Be firm and a little kind and it wil be easier for her to accept next year. I think it is a bit of breaking away that hurts her, sort of another phase of having your child grow up and I'm sure it is hard even as a parent of an adult child, but she will have to adapt to this new phase kwim?
    Cole is 8 years old! January, 2005
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  6. #6
    Zoo
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    OMG we were separated at birth, weren't we???

    I can't wrap my head around why people think it's ok to emotionally blackmail the people we are supposed to love. @$#^.

  7. #7
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    ITA with mamabear's idea. I would decide what you want, like do you want them to visit on Xmas day? Then use her same game right back at her, that if she loved you she would do _____. Really drama it up along the lines she has.

  8. #8
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!
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    Copy and paste the email, and change the names.

  9. #9
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    lol at amy but yeah, I agree...good idea.
    I'm alllll for seeing family at Christmas. But if it's not a huge crowd, I see no problem with them coming to you instead of you going there.
    Now if it's a central gathering of many fmalies I can see why it is kinda selfish to expect all of them to move their location for you. But it sounds like it's just a few people? So they come to you. Maybe suggest you alternate years?
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  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by MomtoTanis View Post
    Tell me again why THEY can't come down to your house for Christmas?? Does it have to be all or nothing with them?
    Let's see....they have a nice fancy house and I don't....they don't like the kind of food I cook/eat so they order out and then complain about the money they're spending...they can't smoke in my house....they have to sleep on a pull-out couch....you know, petty stuff like that.

    Quote Originally Posted by amyunicorn View Post
    Copy and paste the email, and change the names.
    LOL, good idea!

  11. #11
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    How far of a drive are we talking about here?

  12. #12
    Super Moderator The Ultimate London Mom!
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    omg are you mom and my mil the same person?? sisters maybe??

    All I can offer is hugs and stick to your guns
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  13. #13
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    I live for picking apart illogical things and things of falsehoods... since it's posted publicly, I'll a respond a publicly

    I just have to say I don't understand what's happening here.
    then
    I feel like I have been stabbed in the heart, my heart is truly breaking

    Means... I don't claim responsibility to know anything... but I know enough to claim that I am hurt... which is actually something.



    All we ever wanted was the best for you, for you to be happy, and to be together as a family.
    then
    I understand that you want to spend Christmas with Raistlin and (DS's father) at your home, but we are your family too

    Your happiness is important... but that is easily trumped by my happiness


    and we want to spend time with all of us together
    There is the honest want... jammed in the middle of it all.


    I know we are not perfect, but nobody is, but we love each other in spite of our imperfections, don't we?
    then
    We have given our hearts and souls to you and Raistlin over the years and we are hurting so much right now.
    We are permitted to make mistakes... but you can't because your choices are wrong in our view


    Please, please try to understand how we are feeling and reciprocate with the love that we have always had for each other.
    We went through a bazillion hours to raise your ass and you owe us.



    That's how I read that... again... my opinion only... so don't go busting my chops.

  14. #14
    Zoo
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    *starts planning the Bacn is SMRT parade....

  15. #15
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    Sorry you're going through this with your mom right now. I have been through this exact same BS with my mom in the past many many times. Thank god she hasn't tried it with me in a long time! It took my mom and I not speaking for a while and me basically having to be very firm with her telling her to stop being so controlling with me and my own life and to stop playing head games. She got annoyed and defensive with me but hey in time, that method worked.
    I think your mom is being selfish by what she is doing and the way she is acting. That is her issue, not yours, so don't feel guilty ok?
    Do what you feel is best for you and your son with respect to Christmas

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