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  1. #1
    Blue Butterfly
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    Default So where do you post when....

    ... you just need a giant sized HUG?

    I know I'm new(ish - I think my old handle was sucked up with changes, and I haven't been around for a while) to the forum, but I'm hoping to find a sympathetic ear.

    My dad passed away on August 2nd after a lengthy battle with lung cancer. I've been doing okay emotionally, with a few "moments". Today I'm having a moment. I'm feeling overwhelmed and sad, and sadly it turns into a bit of a "short fuse" with the kids. They're wonderful kids, and so patient with me. Today I wish I had the same patience for them though.

    I've inherited all of my dad's furniture, and have to have it out of his house by this weekend. So here I sit, overwhelmed looking at my own small abode and wondering where I am going to put everything. I've been cleaning carpets, rearranging the furniture in my mind a thousand times and it's just getting to be too much for me.

    I look at his stuff that I currently have, and think about the things to come and it's tearing my gut apart. While I want the furniture, the reason I'm getting it hurts so bad. I would take my dad (a healthy dad though) over this "stuff" any day. And to top it off, I got a call from the insurance company telling me that they have a cheque headed my way from dad's insurance (a small policy was divided between myself and my siblings). That made me nearly pass out. It's not much money (enough to pay some bills), but it feels "ooky" to me to be getting it. Does that make sense?

    *sigh*

    My husband, while sympathetic and sweet, doesn't understand. He still has his parents (my mum passed away 10 years ago), and grandparents! He has no clue what a loss like this is. I'm an "orphan" at 34 and it's really playing with my mind. Who do I turn to now?! It feels weird to know that there is nobody looking out for me anymore, and now I have to be a "big girl" and look after myself. I've been doing it for years, I know, but always with that assurance that my dad had my back should something happen.

    So I look for someone - anyone - out there who might understand what I'm going through and can empathize. Are you out there...?

    Thanks for letting me snivvle. I feel a little better now. The cats were starting to look at me funny while I told my woes to them.

  2. #2
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!
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    Aw hon. (((hugs)))

    We lost our grampa to cancer last year (lung, kidney, brain). We now live in his house, ironically. It feels almost ... ominous to be here.

    All I can tell you is that it will get easier. Take it day, by day, by day. And hang in there. The cats understand. Really.

  3. #3
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    Sorry to hear things are so rough right now. I agree with Amy, take it day by day. Post whenever you want, people are always listening.
    ~LBG

  4. #4
    Blue Butterfly
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    Thanks, ladies. I know all too well about taking it day by day. It's been 10 long, excruciating years of days since mum passed. Now having both of them gone is just flooring me.

    But I know it will get easier. It did with mum, but losing dad now too has just thrown me for a loop. Deep breaths, focus and keep my chin up. I can do eet.

  5. #5
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!
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    Best wishes, and my deepest sympathy. Hug your children close. I do believe you're already viewing things in the correct light (the stuff is just stuff, the money is just money). Good for you!

  6. #6
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    I'm so sorry you're going through this. My only advice is keep talking to people (cats, on occasion, will do). Some people may be uncomfortable around you (for the reasons that you've said - you've lost not only your parents but also your grandparents and others still have their extended family) and it's not up to you to make them feel comfortable, but let them know how you feel. If you are close to your MIL, tell her how you feel - she may make an extra special effort at being your surrogate mom. You are no doubt a string woman, and you can get through this.

    If I might be so bold as to make a suggestion for your insurance payment? When my grandfather died, I got a cheque for $5000. I decided to pay off some things, but recently have found myself wishing that I'd taken the money and gone on a trip or splurged on something fantastic. Other than my childhood memories, I haven't anything to show for his life and I feel bad for that. You will always have bills to pay - but your father's life was something special.
    www.pamperedchef.biz/maryfurlan

    Take Charge! Take Action! Ask me how easy it is to be your own boss!

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    pm for you

  8. #8
    Blue Butterfly
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    Quote Originally Posted by MaryRPN View Post
    If I might be so bold as to make a suggestion for your insurance payment? When my grandfather died, I got a cheque for $5000. I decided to pay off some things, but recently have found myself wishing that I'd taken the money and gone on a trip or splurged on something fantastic. Other than my childhood memories, I haven't anything to show for his life and I feel bad for that. You will always have bills to pay - but your father's life was something special.
    You must be inside my brain. Today I got to thinking and said to myself, "I should take a trip....". Even if it was just for a weekend. I have a bunch of friends on the West coast that I would love to see. I would also love to take a trip to England/Scotland where my parents were from. It's so tempting to take your suggestion...

    Thank you for your kind words. I am strong, and I definitely will get through this. In the interim though, it just sucks.


  9. #9
    Junior Member chky0925's Avatar
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    Sending out big hugs. It totally sucks, no other word for it. It does get easier, time does blur the memory. It's been 16 years since my dad died, I was only 21. Fortunately, my mom is still with me but I was daddies little girl. I still think of him almost daily.
    Lori, Momma to Malcolm and Ben

  10. #10
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    (((hugs))) My dad passed away Aug 24 last year (the day before my ds was born) after a long battle with prostate & bone cancer. You will get through it.

  11. #11
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    {{{{Hugs}}}} to you Jo. I'm so sorry for your loss.

    When DH lost his Aunt, I was talking with the receptionist at my Drs office and the one thing she said that has stuck with me is that "The first year after the loss of someone very close is spent just surviving." You do what ever you have to, to get through the day.

    Vent/Post all you want. We are more then happy to listen.

    Take Care,
    Jodi

  12. #12
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    Wow! Big hugs on their way to you! This made me cry as we just hit the 2 yr anniversary of when I lost my father to cancer as well. It does get easier to get thru the days but man the "special days"(ie his birthday and fathers day) are a little harder. A good cry in the garden while pulling weeds was very effective this year. I am expecting my wedding day in October to be another hard day...no father-daughter dance. I have not been back to the cemetary once since the day we said our last goodbyes. He is not there so I can't bring myself to go back there. I guess we all take our baby steps to healing.
    I vote to use the money to make some more memories. You will have them forever.
    Sorry my post was not full of advice.

  13. #13
    Moderator The Ultimate London Mom!
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    Lots of hugs headed your way. I lost my dad 5 yrs ago to lung cancer. Sadly for him he died exactly 2 wks almost to the minute of being diagnosed. I still struggle with the pain of losing him somedays. Especially around things like his b-day, my children's bdays etc... It does get easier with time. YOu just need to remember to grieve. My best advice is to remember all the good times with him. (even the bad) Talk about him as much as you feel comfy doing. Something that I found that helped me was to write him a letter. I had so much that I wanted to say to him but never got the chance this was my way of doing that. I never got to tell him I was pregnant with dd#1 he died days before I found out. I knew at his funeral that he was going to be a grandpa. Something he alway said he wanted to be when he was 50, well he died 1 wk after his 5oth birthday.. oh sorry i was rambling. Just know that you are not alone. Lots of hugs. I would do something with his "gift" for yourself or you and your family. It will mean more to you in the long run then paying some bills. take a little trip. have fun in his honour. I am sure he'd like that. We are here for you if you need to talk. Hugs Jenn
    Your life is a result of the choices you make, if you don't like your life it's time to start making better choices.

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