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  1. #1
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    Default so sad, and mad, and confused...about my son

    We are having such a difficult time with my son. I don't even know where to start but really need to talk this out.

    I'll start with school. There have been several notes home and chats about DS being silly in class. Other notes about little tensions with peers, on the school yard. Rough tag, teasing, stomping on his sand creations, kids sitting on him, ...some are being done TO him, and others like rough tag he is fully participating in. Then comments started about how he was starting to be defiant and tell certain teachers (never his primary teacher, but other periods and subs) "no" to their requests and flat out refusing to do *whatever* they were asking him to do. I have been fully involved and aware every step of the way, at my request. Lots of days he tells me he does not want to go to school. He has been getting tummy aches, headhaches, eye aches, lastnight the mother of all nose bleeds, right after school. He has developed a tick about a month ago, where he flicks his head, as if flicking his bangs out of his eyes. We got him a haircut, and this didn't help. He does it over and over, more at certain times I have noticed, but cannot pin point when.

    Today was the worst. A boy bummped into him (maybe by accident) but my son reacted by "hitting" him with a paper. Not sure how you "hit" with paper, but whatever. The boys were made to talk it out and my son wrote a note, "I am not sorry and I mean it". Then he had to go to talk with the VP. He hid under her table and said, "I want to go home". He said to the VP that (blank, another child in the school) does this and he gets to go home. This child has some other things they are dealing with , which ofcourse they can't share with me. But my son is smart enough to think that through, "Maybe if I act like (blank) I will get to go home like I have been asking". He also told her he wanted to be homeschooled.

    He didn't eat a thing at school today. Lots of days he doesn't eat much (he loves food BTW) as he says he doesn't have enough time. Then near the end of the day, after telling them over and over that he wanted to go home, he ran out of the classroom and towards the outside door. He later told me he stopped because he realized he shouldn't do that.

    I am so so so sad. I am confused what is happening to my son. He seems so highly stressed. I feel sick. This isn't all new, but tonight I really am looking for some words of wisdom! I want to shelter him from all of this. At the same time, I want to strangle him.

    Home, well, pleasant one minute and sweet as can be. The next, defiant and sausy. Telling me, "NO! You can't make me". This morning he begged not to go to school and said, "you can't make me" To which I responded, "yes I can". I should have kept him home. But I can't pull out ever time something doesn't go his way. ?????????

    Thoughts?

  2. #2
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom! PancakeMom's Avatar
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    Sounds like you are doing all the right things. ((hugs mama)) Perhaps its time to have a large meeting with your son, the teacher and the principal (or vice) and find out what is going on at school. Its so hard to tell if your son is reacting to outside stimulus or not...you need more info!


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    I don't know what to say, but couldn't read without replying.

    When I was in grade two, I hated my teacher. She was "mean" (in grade two terms - strict, follow the rules or else type deal), and while I was in french immersion so it may have been different, I just all around hated school. I use to pretend to be sick so I could go home too, or atleast sit in the nurses office for hours. Alot of it was because of the teacher, but also because I had few friends, I felt socially outcast from everyone else. I was made fun of alot in grades 4-8 which didn't help either.

    No one really addressed anything with me, and I continued to hate school until I started college 3 years ago.

    I guess my point is, good for you for addressing this. Your son will thank you for caring enough in the future. Kudos to you for being proactive about it now, and not waiting it out.

    I second the suggestion of talking with the principal, VP, teacher and maybe a counsellor or social worker (do schools even have those?).

    Jake &Tate

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    Expert Forum User foximamma's Avatar
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    I used to work in an elementary school as an aid with children who acted out much like this (only usually much worse) There is usually something that drives the behaviour (as I'm sure you know) it's just finding out what it is...

    How old is your son?
    Does he ever tell you why he doesn't like school or doesn't want to go?

    Does he have friends from school that you know? that he hangs out with at school and at home?

    Aside from the defiance that seems to be happening, is he able to focus on his work? Is he doing as well as he used to be?

    my first reaction was that perhaps he's being bullied - but that's just first instinct



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    I'm sorry I don't know what to say. Obviously something is going on that is causing him extra stress. Is it possible someone is bullying him and he's not sure how to deal with it so he's acting out? I agree with pp who stated a sit down with teacher VP etc...is in order. ((hugs))
    Your life is a result of the choices you make, if you don't like your life it's time to start making better choices.

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    I would start with talking to the teacher and principal. I know when I was in school I went through a phase of “being sick“ so I wouldn't have to go to school because I did not like the teacher I had in grade 4. I would have to ask my mom how she dealt with it, but I don't think I got to go or stay home.

    I am sure the teacher and principal see this behaviour often and will likely be able to give suggestions on how to approach DS at home. Could it be a delayed reaction to the move and starting a new school? I can't remember if he is any outside school activities?

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    Thank you so much for your relpies so far.

    First, his teacher is AWESOME!!! We are blessed and I don't think she could be better. The VP seems lovely too and is very open to talk with me. I make frequent appearances. I'll be making another tomorrow! LOL

    His report card was all A's with a few B's. he can focus very well for hours on stuff that challenges him. He has been saying from the beginning that he is bored. they have already set up enrichment for him 5 of 6 days for 30 minutes each afternoon. He loves this and rambles about his learnings. LOL

    He is in grade 1. The class is a grade 1/2 split. He does the grade 2 work and is still bored.

    We have recently moved and this is a new school. He left many friends behind but has connected with a few. No true buds that I can see yet though. No playdates, except for some children who walk home with us and they ask to stop by. I think he enjoys them, but the twins from his class are girls. Fine and nice, but he really wants/needs a little boy buddy. They have a brother that joins them, but he is in grade 4, so again, not that real connection that is in his class.

    can't remember what else I was going to answer...

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    Quote Originally Posted by foximamma View Post
    I used to work in an elementary school as an aid with children who acted out much like this (only usually much worse) There is usually something that drives the behaviour (as I'm sure you know) it's just finding out what it is...
    Very interesting. I'd love to hear more. What types of things were “driving“ this behaviour? I want some ideas of what to put on my radar. TIA!

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    Could you set up some playdates with another boy in the class? Perhaps he is feeling a little out of place/lonely with the switch in schools. I remember seeing alot of behaviour issues that stemmed from lack of social “fit“ for the student in the class.

    As pp mentioned, there seems to be alot more bullying in schools now, could this be an issue for him?

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    I wonder if its the school. Because you've talked about the things that are going on outside of classroom. Do you still have the school support staff(Bridget) because I know she is the one that is assisting with the situations are our school.
    Proud mom of 3 wonderful children


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    You mentioned that he's bored & not finding his schoolwork engaging/interesting enough. What about asking his teacher if she could help with a special “project“ just for him to do when he's done his other seatwork. Something that is interesting for him, that will hold his attention & maybe even let him look forward to school. Not sure what, maybe you/the teacher will have some ideas? I was thinking maybe a book he can make on his favourite topic? Make a movie (do you have one of those kids cameras?) or do an art project (make a mini town from recycled items?)
    ds - nov. '03 & dd - mar. '06











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    I do not know your situation at home, meaning if you have younger children...but is it possible to let the school know you're available to meet with them to discuss your son's recent bahviour. Let them know you're concerned and taking a proactive approach.

    Knowing that the school yard is full of situations that could cause outbursts, Im most concerned he has developed the tick. What does your Dr say?


    Big hugs momma, we know your hurting.

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    ohh, my heart just sank reading that, lila's mum i'm so sorry...i would feel sick about it to

    from what i remember, your son is quite a bright one and intense as well. probably keenly perceptive too, no doubt

    i was going to ask if he was possibly picking up on any negativity or feeling tension with his teacher, but it sounds like she's been great.

    the other behaviours/symptoms your describing sound so much llike anxiety-related stuff. do you think he might be feeling insecure or anxious about the change in school? meeting new people and trying to establish himself among peers and teachers. that kind of anxiety can be expressed in different ways for sure. and for a young one who experiences intense emotions, it can be difficult to express those feelings...maybe he's acting them out so-to-speak?

    this is random, but i remember i started a new school at the beginning of grade 1. i was a pretty sensitive kid and i remember feeling out of the circle for awhile in terms of peers. i could sense that they all knew each other from being in class together for a year already.

    my son is younger than yours by a couple of years but i'm seeing the rude and saucy stuff in a big way since he started school. especially right after he comes home, lol. i think part of it is that he's had to 'behave' and control emotions and show restraint all day and when he gets home, the gloves come off, lol. but i am also learning how strong a pride a 4 year old can have too, lol....he would NEVER let on to a peer that he felt scared or hurt, etc...that's a lot of pressure i would think! and if they feel threatened or unsure/anxious, if they don't want to show weakness, maybe they act out instead?

    saying 'he meant it and wasn't sorry'---does your son have strong feelings about 'right' and 'wrong', especially when it comes to other people? (my son is VERY much like that...part of the whole spirited thing, it seems)

    also...you mentioned he's in grade 1...does that mean this is his first year of all day, every day school?? if so, i would think that could be a factor for sure.

    sigh...oh boy...i really feel for you.
    Last edited by Indigo74; 12-01-2009 at 11:04 PM.
    "My mind is going a mile an hour."

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    I don't know exactly what to say, but Im so sorry to hear that your son is having these difficulties.
    It sounds to me like there is an underlying issue, something bothering him and he just wont tell you what it is. I def. agree with the ladies that you maybe just need a big sit down and try and get to the bottom of things.
    At first when I read it, it sounds like your son is much older. The fact that is is in grade one is a relief, as sometimes kids this age (especially boys) have a hard time venting their true feelings. KWIM??
    Hope things get better for you and your little guy...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Shellie View Post
    I do not know your situation at home, meaning if you have younger children...but is it possible to let the school know you're available to meet with them to discuss your son's recent bahviour. Let them know you're concerned and taking a proactive approach.

    Knowing that the school yard is full of situations that could cause outbursts, Im most concerned he has developed the tick. What does your Dr say?


    Big hugs momma, we know your hurting.
    I am at the school almost everyday sighting my observations and trying to talk this through. I am going to make a real pain of myself, but I decided I don't really care. I am going to get the best for this child even if I look pushy. I don't think that is how I am preceived though, lol, they seem very willing to speak with me.

    I did take him to the pediatrician Monday actually. We talked about lots. I did ask about the tick, and he says many children this age develop weird ticks and they will go away, not to worry. My concern now as a mother is that this is an expression of some severe stress.

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