Calling Step-parents Mom/Dad

[Kaisa]

Just trying to figure out what the norm is here!
We have been together 5.5 years, married for almost 3. The boys call me Kaisa. They know I am their stepmom, but they also know they have a Mom.
DH's ex got married today. The boys said they now HAVE to call him Dad, because their Mom said they are married now. J said he doesn't want to. D thinks it's soooo cool that he has 2 dads. DH is pretty upset... Ugh....

[Jessica]

i would NEVER EVER want my SD to call me mom. I am Jessica step mom for the ages, blindingly beautiful and awesomely witty. but never mom. that title is saved for her actual mom and i would not want to step on the toes of that relationship.

SD feels her family expanded but everyone has a unique and important role.

[mom2jtbg]

They shouldn't be made to call them mom or dad. But I also think if they want to then it should be ok. My SD's call me mom at times but mostly it was by my name or this is my step mom Leanne. Either way it didn't matter what they called me. Maybe they could call him Daddy _ _ _ _ . They aren't going to love their daddy any less. Hopefully the man she married will add to the dynamics of the family and your SS will be blessed to have 2 sets of loving parents.

[aidensmom]

SD has never called me mom (other then by mistake) and we've been togther since she was 4 months old. I love her and will always be there for her, but I am not her mom, even now that we've been married for years. She has a mom and I wouldn't want to hurt her mom's feelings or push myself into her life by insisting she call me mom.

I would be pretty upset if dh and I split and he got remarried and demanded that my kids call his new wife mom. Actually I'd probably lose it.

[hinagal]

my kids call their step dad “daddy“ about half the time, and by his first name the other half. it depends on a lot of factors with them. he is fine with both, so we let them feel it out as what they are most comfortable with.

[hockeymomof3]

Lately my SS has been calling me mommy, I did talk to his mom about it, and she is cool with it. He is 14.

And I am typing this from the airport in Flint!!! Just waiting for them to board our plane!! Florida here we come.

[Mommymanda]

DH and I have been together nearly six years, since DD was two...She has never called him dad, we've never pushed it. She asked a few times and we told her she could use whatever she was comfortable with. For awhile when she was little she'd call him MY Steve all the time, it was so cute.

I really don't understand why it would be pushed especially if the kids don't want to.

[rubyslippers]

My stepdaughters call me by my name, never mom. My daughter calls my DH by his name, never dad. My daughter calls her step mom by her name, never mom. I would be really hurt if she called her step mom “mom“ b/c I am her mom and I think that name is something that is honoured and earned by me! She does know that she has two loving families, but only one mommy and one daddy.
I don't think the issue should be pushed at all if the kids aren't comfortable with calling the stepdad “dad“. I can completely understand why your DH would be hurt.

[Donna]

I was always Donna to my step kids. My own kids called their step mom by her first name also. I have a daycare child that refers to hers by his first name or step-dad. Come to think of it, as long as their Mom or Dad was still active in their lives, I've never known anyone to refer to a step parent as mom or dad.

[WateryTart]

I know I am in a totally different situation because DD1 does not have a bio dad, but she has always called DH dad. Again, probably a totally different situation. I encouraged this after we moved in together.

[bacon]

I'd be upset about it too. Mostly because I feel quite replaceable in that situation. As a parent to my own kids that is not one feeling I enjoy having. No amount of energy or effort I spent could change it, so that caused the helpless feeling too.

Both those feelings suck to have.

I have almost an identical situation to the one you stated, only a few years later. It did eventually turn around when their mother got the same replaceable feeling, and not by my doing.

[BabyLove]

When kids are old enough to know the difference and to have an opinion then they should get the choose what they want to call the other person. In most instances including my own they use first names. They have a Mom and a Dad. JMO.

[foximamma]

my stepdaughter calls me by my first name too. I don't it's appropriate at all to tell children they need to address a step parent as mom or dad. Like PP have said - they have a mom and a dad already. - Maybe if one parent werent in their lives I would feel differently about that, but thats a different situation imo.

DSD calls her stepdad “dad“ and it really hurts/bothers DH. SHe was also TOLD she had to call him Dad once they got married, and then it was reinforced when they had a son - they told her it was too confusing for him to be calling his dad by his name (he had started to copy her and call his dad by name as well - hello! CORRECT the child then. jmo )

[Kaisa]

Thanks everyone. At least it sounds like we aren't totally crazy that we are upset.

I forgot to add that Jerrith once a couple years ago called me Mom in front of his Mom (by accident) and she freaked out. She called DH and said that they are to never call me Mom, she is the one that spent 8 hours in labor with them, she is their mom, and on and on. But now the rules are different?
She said to DH last night that it's whatever the kids are comfortable with. BUT, the boys make it sound like they don't really have a choice. And I can just imagine she is telling them at the same time they are never allowed to call me Mom.

Ahhhhhh... sometimes I wish DH picked an easier to get along with ex! lol (just kidding... kinda...lol)

[Kaisa]

Oh, and they have never lived together. He just moved in with her today. Which I think confuses the kids even more.