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  1. #1
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    Default Do I need to parent like this?

    Okay.. so DH walked in the house to hear Makayla yelling and screaming. and he lost it.... Started yelling at her and screaming and threatening to take everything but her food away...
    When I stepped in and told him I was dealing with her he said. " Well she's obviously not listening to you"


    and seriously I feel like none of the kids are listening to me lately. I tell,ask, suggest give natural consequences ect and all it gets me is attitude and snide looks


    My DH raises his voice and they all toe the line.... How much sense does this make???


    I asked Makayla if she preffered to be yelled at or talked to. She said Talked to but her actions say different. I feel like if I can get her to toe the line with her attitude the rest will fall into line. I also don't want to put the blame on M for her sibs behavior but I can see their behavior morrors hers often.


    I know she is 13 and I remember all to well how it feels to be treated like I am a kid when I felt like I was so grown up, such conflicting feelings I'm sure. I try to be understanding and sympathetic. I don't excuse her behavior but I don't see how yelling at her in the heat of the moment is right.


    I tend to let things cool down and then re visit the situation.


    I know I am right..... Atleast I think so???

    thanks for listening

  2. #2
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom! Mommy2Cuties's Avatar
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    I totally hear you.. My Dh is the same way. I can try and talk to the girls until I am blue in the face explaining why I dont want them to do something and blah blah blah and they (esp. Alysa) gets MAD at me! I will try and do it Daddy's way but nope that doesnt fly either.
    DH will come in and repeat what I have been doing for X amount of time and he will get “okay Daddy“ GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

    I think it's just because we are of the same sex? I dunno. I cant be the scary yelling parent (even though i have, unfortunately, yelled a few times )
    Have you tried talking to your DH?
    I stole Turtle's Lollipop! xoxo

    Nicole, mama to Miss A (April 2005), Miss K (Sept 2007), Angel Baby (August 2008), and Baby A (June 2009)


  3. #3
    Senior Member Willow's Avatar
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    Definitely not cool for your dh to endermine your authority like that. Perhaps that is why the kids don't listen to you....not that your approach is wrong.
    Willow
    Mama of David (6) and Mary (2)

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    Senior Member Spring's Avatar
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    Is your DH more consistant with his 'parenting' than you are? I mean are his threats empty or do the kids know that he means business? It sounds like they know you'll give and they know how to manipulate you if they just sit there and 'listen' to you long enough.

    No real advice, cause I'm not there But some mommie friends were raving about a book “honey I wrecked the kids“ or something like that becuase it offeres different ways to parent when things like time outs and bribes don't work for your kid.

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    Hug ... it sounds like a few complex things are going on.

    One - agree with pp that DH is undermining your authority by stepping in a 'solving the issue' for you ... this sends children the message that what you are doing is a) wrong and b) irrelevent cause dad has the last word Parenting styles can certainly be different but the basic message around behaviours and expectations needs to be a united front ... if dad is solving his problems by YELLING AND SCREAMING you cannot effectively discpline a child - specially a teenager - for using that exact same strategy to try to solve hers.

    Second IMO the reason why the 'secondary caregiver' ... so in this case your spouse ... can get away with walking in and the behaviour stopping quicker or easy for them is based on ATTACHMENT/BOND being stronger with whomever the child views as the primary caregiver ... children know that their primary caregiver will always be therefore them - they can be themselves, try different strategies, push the boundries and so forth and are confident in your reaction and how far they can push you 'safely' to try out their autonomy ... with the non-primary or secondary caregiver the child is 'less secure' and therefore less likely to push boundries cause they do not feel confident in where the breaking point is... does that make sense?

    I would definitely be sitting down with DH and discussing the role modeling of problem solving you are wanting to instill in your children ... cause if the goal is to teach them to talk it out calmly then we ALL need to be role modeling that in the house .... cause as children reach the teenage years INCONSISTENCY between the behaviour role-modeled by parents and the behaviour expected of teenager will be put under a fine tooth comb and challenged at every step!

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by totallyawake View Post
    Hug ... it sounds like a few complex things are going on.

    One - agree with pp that DH is undermining your authority by stepping in a 'solving the issue' for you ... this sends children the message that what you are doing is a) wrong and b) irrelevent cause dad has the last word Parenting styles can certainly be different but the basic message around behaviours and expectations needs to be a united front ... if dad is solving his problems by YELLING AND SCREAMING you cannot effectively discpline a child - specially a teenager - for using that exact same strategy to try to solve hers.

    Second IMO the reason why the 'secondary caregiver' ... so in this case your spouse ... can get away with walking in and the behaviour stopping quicker or easy for them is based on ATTACHMENT/BOND being stronger with whomever the child views as the primary caregiver ... children know that their primary caregiver will always be therefore them - they can be themselves, try different strategies, push the boundries and so forth and are confident in your reaction and how far they can push you 'safely' to try out their autonomy ... with the non-primary or secondary caregiver the child is 'less secure' and therefore less likely to push boundries cause they do not feel confident in where the breaking point is... does that make sense?

    I would definitely be sitting down with DH and discussing the role modeling of problem solving you are wanting to instill in your children ... cause if the goal is to teach them to talk it out calmly then we ALL need to be role modeling that in the house .... cause as children reach the teenage years INCONSISTENCY between the behaviour role-modeled by parents and the behaviour expected of teenager will be put under a fine tooth comb and challenged at every step!

    Good post!

    Does this then explain why they are little angels at daycare and at the grandparents etc and then turn into devils the minute that they walk into the house?
    “A mother's love is patient and forgiving when all others are forsaking,
    it never fails or falters, even though the heart is breaking”- Helen Rice

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by L&AMOM View Post
    Good post!

    Does this then explain why they are little angels at daycare and at the grandparents etc and then turn into devils the minute that they walk into the house?
    Yup ... that and we bribe them with candy when your not looking

    I always feel sorry for my ECE peers who can manage 24 two year olds at work but have preschool age children at home who are little devils or who are the perpetually pissy preschoolers depsite all their same tips and tricks used at work that work like a charm

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by totallyawake View Post
    Hug ... it sounds like a few complex things are going on.

    One - agree with pp that DH is undermining your authority by stepping in a 'solving the issue' for you ... this sends children the message that what you are doing is a) wrong and b) irrelevent cause dad has the last word Parenting styles can certainly be different but the basic message around behaviours and expectations needs to be a united front ... if dad is solving his problems by YELLING AND SCREAMING you cannot effectively discpline a child - specially a teenager - for using that exact same strategy to try to solve hers.

    Second IMO the reason why the 'secondary caregiver' ... so in this case your spouse ... can get away with walking in and the behaviour stopping quicker or easy for them is based on ATTACHMENT/BOND being stronger with whomever the child views as the primary caregiver ... children know that their primary caregiver will always be therefore them - they can be themselves, try different strategies, push the boundries and so forth and are confident in your reaction and how far they can push you 'safely' to try out their autonomy ... with the non-primary or secondary caregiver the child is 'less secure' and therefore less likely to push boundries cause they do not feel confident in where the breaking point is... does that make sense?

    I would definitely be sitting down with DH and discussing the role modeling of problem solving you are wanting to instill in your children ... cause if the goal is to teach them to talk it out calmly then we ALL need to be role modeling that in the house .... cause as children reach the teenage years INCONSISTENCY between the behaviour role-modeled by parents and the behaviour expected of teenager will be put under a fine tooth comb and challenged at every step!
    That makes so much sense and I can see exactly what has been happening. Time for a serious talk with DH.

    Thank you

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spring View Post
    I mean are his threats empty or do the kids know that he means business? It sounds like they know you'll give and they know how to manipulate you if they just sit there and 'listen' to you long enough.
    This is my problem. I will give in or lessen the punishment whereas dh will stick his ground. I am the more emotional parent, so I will usually be the one to raise my voice before dh does, so the tone of voice has no impact for me...they don't respect me any more when I am yelling.

    The other thing that I have heard is that they will try to get away with more stuff with the person they feel most comfortable with...another reason kids can be 'angels' at daycare/Grandma's etc, but turn into the devil when they get home.
    Please always show kindness in your posts as the person receiving it may need it more than you will ever know.

    SAHM to two boys, 13 and 7.

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    13 is such a hard age to be; V was adjusting to having been moved to London, mom being married again, having twin siblings and trying to sort out her feelings about her raging emotions. I was as gentle as I could be, but in the end, rather than raise my voice with her, if we could not reason together she had to sit in her room and she had only one appeal to have me see things her way, if not, the answer was still no and no further negative behaviour was tolerated. It's so important for both parents to be equally yoked when setting boundaries, now is the crucial time and V didn't have that.......her dad let her walk all over him on his weekends which was totally counterproductive and I'm very discipline with a little waltzing thru the mall for fun BUT I am still the parent......bottom line.

    It does get easier as it was promised to me, now at age 16 I just have to give *the look* and the discussion ends there. It's not always easy, I still have days where I wonder why I ever had children at all and WHY all girls, EEP!

    Best wishes!

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    I know I've read things before that say that children listen to men more than woman. Something to do with the deeper voice or being stronger, they are more afraid of them even if they don't spank.

    My son is this way with my dad. If my dad asks him to do something he is more likely to do it than for me or my mom. And he only sees them once a month.

    Although if you are handling something with your daughter than he should wait and let you do it, and vice versa. This is something I am working on with my bf - if he is handling a situation I need to let him do it and not jump in since I'm used to doing it on my own.

  12. #12
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    We talked and are going to seriously start working on... NOT stepping in on each other. We both do it.

    But my big problem is. I don't like yelling and when he does I always step in... I've told him I don't find that acceptable. He has a very big voice even talking and he is a big enough guy..

    I always tell him to try talking or being stern first with the kids. I do understand that doesn't always work.


    hmmm sigh, I know we will figure it out someday...Thanks for all the pointers.

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