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Thread: Joke for rep!

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    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom! PancakeMom's Avatar
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    Default Joke for rep!

    I feel like handing out some rep. Tell me a joke get rep...simple! If its a good joke maybe someone else will rep ya too! See what happens when I'm bored?? Other than grocery shopping I've got nothing to do but hand out rep today!

    I suppose I should include picture jokes as the queen of LOLcat I can't say no!


    Everything I love is illegal, immoral or fattening.

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    Why did the bacon laugh?


    Because the egg cracked a yolk!


    Okay I googled kids jokes

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    Woman drivers


    This morning on the 401, I looked over to my left

    and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac.

    She was doing 120kph with her face, up next to her
    rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

    I looked away for a couple seconds and when
    I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,
    still working on that makeup.

    As a man, I don't scare easily.

    But she scared me so much;
    I dropped my electric shaver which knocked
    the donut out of my other hand.

    In all the confusion of trying to straighten out
    the car using my knees against the steering wheel,
    it knocked my cell phone away from my ear,
    which fell into the coffee between my legs,
    splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins
    ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers
    and disconnected an important call.

    Damn women drivers!!

    Mommy to DS Jan '06, DD July '09, DS Feb '11, DD Dec '12
    Wife to my wonderful DH of 8 years
    http://handsbetterfull.blogspot.com/

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    Not So Dumb
    Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

    She said, “I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude“.

    With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Mama needs new clothes!“

    Then she hollered “YES! YES! I WON! I WON!“

    She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at
    each other dumbfounded.

    Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?“

    The other answered, “I thought YOU were watching!“

    Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.



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    I would think my last cat pancake picture would have got me one... but I'll try again.

    Laura
    Mom to Haley (7) and Paige (5)

    If I could tell the story in words, I wouldn't need to lug around a camera.
    ~Lewis Hine~

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    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom! PancakeMom's Avatar
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    That pancake one should be double rep'd just so you know....


    Everything I love is illegal, immoral or fattening.

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    On it PM
    Mommy to DS Jan '06, DD July '09, DS Feb '11, DD Dec '12
    Wife to my wonderful DH of 8 years
    http://handsbetterfull.blogspot.com/

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    Mary offered to care for the eight-year-old daughter of neighbours who were going away for the weekend. On the Saturday morning, she made breakfast, laying a generous helping of bacon and eggs in front of the child. “Mummy always serves hot pancakes for breakfast,“ said the eight-year-old.

    So Mary, very eager to oblige, hurried into the kitchen and quickly prepared a plate of hot pancakes, which she laid in front of the girl. “No, thank you,“ she said.

    “But I thought you said your mother always has hot pancakes for breakfast!“ said Mary in surprise.

    “She does,“ said the child. “But I don't eat them!“


    Everything I love is illegal, immoral or fattening.

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    CURTAIN RODS --- PRICELESS

    On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

    On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

    On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.



    When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.



    She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

    On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.
    Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

    They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

    Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.



    Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

    People stopped coming over to visit.

    Repairmen refused to work in the house.

    The maid quit.

    Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

    Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.



    Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.



    Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.



    Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.



    She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.



    A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home .....




    ... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!

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    A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!“

    “Is this her first child?“ the doctor queries.

    “No, you idiot!“ the man shouts. “This is her *husband*!“
    Used to be momtoJ&T but that was too boring.

  11. #11
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    what's the difference between a cat and a phrase?
    One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of its clause.
    ba dum dum...

    [/url]

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    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom! PancakeMom's Avatar
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    I gotta come back to rep you for that one...awesome!!


    Everything I love is illegal, immoral or fattening.

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    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom! PancakeMom's Avatar
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    Even though they are flat, there are 2 sides to every pancake story.


    Everything I love is illegal, immoral or fattening.

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    Wine and Water

    To my friend who enjoys a glass of wine..and those who don't.

    As Ben Franklin said:
    In wine there is wisdom,
    In beer there is freedom,
    In water there is bacteria.

    In a number of carefully controlled trials,
    Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli,

    (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces.

    In other words, we are consuming
    1 kilo of poop.


    However, we do NOT run that risk when
    Drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor), because alcohol has to go through a purification
    Process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.


    Remember:
    Water = Poop, Wine = Health
    .

    Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
    Than to drink water and be full of shit
    .

    There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
    I'm doing it as a public service.
    Mommy to DS Jan '06, DD July '09, DS Feb '11, DD Dec '12
    Wife to my wonderful DH of 8 years
    http://handsbetterfull.blogspot.com/

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    I hope this one is ok to post....

    Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
    With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
    After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
    The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
    'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
    'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'


    Everything I love is illegal, immoral or fattening.

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