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  1. #31
    Expert Forum User bacon's Avatar
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    Default This is long... so go get a coffee or tea if you are even thinking about reading this

    Alright...

    I'll add a little more of the back story for this one.

    I got all separated when this little lass was all of 23 months. It was a cold day in November. Things were stressed so as my SO at the time opted to take a two week vacation without anyone to clear the thoughts. Which was all good, and happy and great. I had a most excellent time with my ladies and life was pretty sweet living in a stress free home. So on the day of the return to say “Hi' again, there was no excitement... no joy. No we missed you from the kids... no hello hugs. They just went on making their crafts. That particular event did not go over well, and actually made the situation quite a bit worse. Not sure how anyone else would feel if they had not seen their own kids in two weeks and they didn't even flinch to notice that you were back. This generated much more angry... and about two hours later, I found myself with no kids, and no SO. The next “Vacation“ would be the permanent one which I was the only one not included.

    So for a couple of months some various bad fights happened. Some good talks also took place too. Either way, things look to have settled down. Perhaps there was hope for an amiable separation. Ya know... for the kids. But that was not to be. The following February, while watching the kids at my fresh EX's house watching the first good game of the XFL while she was out partying, she returned home informing me that she had found a boyfriend and that I was not allowed near her anymore. All future communications were to happen through email, and pickup/drop-off times are the only time that we were to even look at each other. I complied. I like to think that the temptation of the other white meat would be too much of a strain on her next relationship adventure.

    Fast forward another few months into the summer. After six months of leaving my daughters in tears at their mothers place, I finally requested if I could talk to this new guy. I did hint at it several times before, but after a while it did become a concern. During the struggle of not being able to make contact with this new person in my kids life it was explained to me... I was told that this is my kids “New DAD!“, and it had been that way since they were together. I was also informed not to talk to him for fear it will upset her new relationship. I contested this surprising title, and explained what it actually means to me, and everyone. I suspect this was done to burn the heck out of me... not much gets to me directly, but I can really be hurt through my kids.

  2. #32
    Expert Forum User bacon's Avatar
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    For the next five or so years this went on. My daughter has been told (enforced/ordered) to call that new guy... “Dad“. I object to it every time. But that only brings the backlash of comments to the effect, “He is a better father then you will ever be.“, “Your job is done“, “I only make them sick“, “They aren't your kids anymore“ and the ever popular “You don't love them“. This took place in front of me, and my kids at the same time... usually during drop offs. I can only imagine what was stated once I left the situation and the other 5/7ths of the week. Again, I suspect that this was discovered to be my kryptonite... so was a reoccurring theme. My kids were being pushed to disown me as anyone with any importance in their life.

    As I do love my kids, and I did spend whatever time I could with them. That “Your Dad Sucks“ routine may work in some situations where the father isn't around to say/do anything to the contrary... but I was there... I am there. I had/have just as much influence on their lives as anyone else. I took the sneaky high road and taught them ethics and morals and how to read between the lines and into situations. That has helped them immensely with thing like poetry and book reports and things of a personal nature. I also taught them art, and music, and sports, how to create, how to cope with stress (we were all stressed with the situation), maths, tactics, strategy, and manners and courtesy. There is only so much of me to go around, so I know I'm missing stuff. Hence the reason for the other thread. Anyway.. back to this this.

    Well, all that sort have backfired for my Ex.

  3. #33
    Expert Forum User bacon's Avatar
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    While she was busy trying to get them to oust me... she got ousted. After all those years of extreme suggestion took place, my kids took a cue. They started to call my current SO their Mom (since they are out of town... sometimes their London Mom... heh) too when relating their stories to friends and family. I did not prompt for this to happen; in fact I kind of disagree with it. No amount of explaining this to my Ex did any good. It was only when her own kids put her in a position to share the number one spot. She was stunned by her own poison. Since the day that started, she has now enforced the title of “Step“ parent. A couple of years have passed since then.

    This brings us to this year. So I gauge what is going on by asking seemingly innocent questions like this. Again, the new guy is a good guy. I don't think there is anything wrong with him. So I'm happy that my kids have a good relationship going on. I also found out that for those first set of years, he was actually fighting with my Ex to talk to me about the situation and kids and everything. That just never panned out. I've even heard from him that he did not want to be called Dad, his objection, to which my own kid’s story collaborates.

  4. #34
    Expert Forum User bacon's Avatar
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    I'll add a little more of the follow-up to this story too.

    So yeah, my daughter is on to me... I made her too smart for her own good... and I found out that her older sister gave her the business about her answer to me at the wedding when they talked about it in private later on. Sisters... sheesh.

    So... when my young lass was asking for a bowl of Ice Cream last week. I said “No“... prompting to get the Magic Words to be said. But she goes into a big puppy dog eye speech how if I give her ice cream then I can be the first to dance with her at her future wedding. I was shocked... so as I sat their in silence she went on... “Yeah“, she says, “I’m probably not going to get married until I am at least 30 because you told me that I had to finish my school first, and it's going to take about that long. That's a long time away; you will probably be dead by that time, because you are really old now. So. Just forget about the ice cream.” I chuckled all the way to the freezer.

    I also have taught them Sarcasm and how to RAZZ people... myself included. I also took this event of her comfortable of messing with me about it as her way of saying that I was the choice.


    To make a short story long... I'm not at all a fan of teaching kids to hate/ignore/put down/guilt/insult... the alternate parent in a separation situation. I've seen it sooooo many times that in the long run all the jaded-ness turns back and bites the one who taught it. Almost every time I've seen that.

  5. #35
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!
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    Oh, Bacon. Thanks for sharing your story. I don't really know what to say - but keep loving them and being there for them. They'll know it in the end, eh?

  6. #36
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    Wow bacon...WOW!

    I know this from experience...when my stepdaughter was little...I told her outright in all my wisdom...I am not here to replace your mom...if we can be friends we are ahead of the game. 23 years later we have had our ups and downs, but she knows when she needs me I'll be there.
    With my divorce I refused to belittle myself by insulting their dad...they learned on their own he cannot be relied on,and Im here if they need to chat, but I still refuse to bash in front of them.

    Little girls are funny...teach her to dance, so you're both prepared, and you'll all have the memories of dancing with dad.

  7. #37
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    Bacon, you're an excellent father... see, it all works out in the end.

    Great share by the by!

    I forget where I heard it, but I just heard this little fact recently: When parents get divorced the rule of thumb is not to talk crap about the other partner when said partner isn't around.... Children (being intelligent) will form their own opinions of people through their interactions.

    While your Ex tried to poison your well, the kids picked up on this underhandedness and realized who you are and what qualities you had and made their own decision.

    And with regards to the first dance, just remember this may be a wish that you want, but your daughter(s) may not share the same wish... Time will tell. .... But I would wager that you would certainly be at the top of their list.

    Keep up the good work!

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