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  1. #16
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom! eversoclever's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dianne View Post
    Don't worry! Be all you can be to her now. At the very worst she may ask both to walk her down the ailse. How bad can that be because she still choose you. At 9 she has not processed the whole scenario.
    At 9 she shouldn't be thinking of it in any seriousness at all, IMO.

  2. #17
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    Maybe she will just have A walk her down the isle, or dance with her??

    I am not looking forward to my DD having to make that decision either, and she is 9 too. It will break too many hearts.

    Maybe when she is older, she will have one walk, one dance, or you walk her halfway, him the rest etc, and 2 dances.
    Last edited by hockeymomof3; 08-10-2009 at 08:09 PM. Reason: forgot to paragraph

  3. #18
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    I am going to jab at this one....I feel cause he is in her life and very supportive to her and treats her like a person he gets the “dance“ and walking down too.
    See ....“daddy“ can walk and do first dance, after that “step-parent“ can have 2nd call. that way all is getting to be a part of the celebration.


    “and hockeymom“ yes my sister your DD's father is in her life...you cant take that way from her....NO matter how much of an ass he is to you:P
    NO NOISE IS BETTER THEN HEARING A CHILD'S LAUGHTER

  4. #19
    Senior Member tracysnest's Avatar
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    I am sure at the age of 9 she hasn't put much thought to it, lol. She will have many years to make a choice and I am sure it will be one that you all can be happy about.

  5. #20
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    “and hockeymom“ yes my sister your DD's father is in her life...you cant take that way from her....NO matter how much of an ass he is to you:P[/QUOTE]

    I didn't say anything about taking anything from my DD, I just said I don't look forward to my DD making this decision!!

  6. #21
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    I think if you remain a constant caring father in her life and always provide support and structure you will always have a strong place in her life, even if that does not include a dance. Like many have said 9 is a little young and IMO I wouldn't even try to go into how you really wanna do the dance etc because right now its kinda a mute point yk. Kids w step parents have a hard time knowing how to show everyone love without hurting anyone, when parents show jealousy it just makes it harder. Who knows by the time she would be getting married all the traditional stuff could be gone out the window.


    I do get the hurt tho and sorry you got that blow, problaly not what you thought you'd hear.
    ...and in that moment I swear we were infinite.

  7. #22
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    Maybe I'm reading it wrong so I'm sorry if I am but it sounds to me a little like a dad putting a little girl in a position of feeling like she has to choose. I would say that it was innappropriate to even bring that up to her at this age. Whether you intended it to or not these little things will make her feel like she always has to choose and that you want her to choose you, therefore feeling guilty if she wants to choose the step dad. She shouldn't even have to consider such a thought at this age. When the time comes you can all have that discussion as adults.
    Leslie




  8. #23
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    ((hugs))

    I said some pretty mean things to my Dad growing up (I was 3)... and he always came back. The older I grew, the more I realized why he did the things he did & thankfully, I respect him for that.
    Just know, her thoughts may change in time, just don't stop being her Dad!

  9. #24
    Expert Forum User bacon's Avatar
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    Just as an update and filling my story full of information.

    I only asked if I could be that guy. No pressure was placed to make me that guy. Nor did I give her the business about her answer. I just let her go and dance and I asked my other daughter the same question. Both got the identical response of me being curious.

    I have that warped TV view of little girls and weddings and how they all start to plan them out when they are like six or something. It may be wrong... but that's a time for a different thread.

    I do appreciate all of the replies, and I have no problem with sharing the moment with others. I'm curious eh. I'm an ask-based personality, and I ask lots of questions of lots of folks, as I don't know it all... or know best.

  10. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by bacon View Post
    Just as an update and filling my story full of information.

    I only asked if I could be that guy. No pressure was placed to make me that guy. Nor did I give her the business about her answer. I just let her go and dance and I asked my other daughter the same question. Both got the identical response of me being curious.

    I have that warped TV view of little girls and weddings and how they all start to plan them out when they are like six or something. It may be wrong... but that's a time for a different thread.

    I do appreciate all of the replies, and I have no problem with sharing the moment with others. I'm curious eh. I'm an ask-based personality, and I ask lots of questions of lots of folks, as I don't know it all... or know best.
    Heya Bacon, I can get myself into your shoes, and I see how that comment from your daughter stings a little.

    As many of the posters said, she is 9, that is very young, and children at that age don't have a full understanding of how tact and others peoples feelings are affected by their chosen words. They are still learning how emotional relationships work. One day she could love Froot Loops cereal, the next day she could hate it.

    Sometimes children at that age say things to evoke a certain reaction, she may not mean it, but wanted to evoke an upset or hurt reaction from you. It's part of learning about emotional relationships.

    I wouldn't let it get you down, her mind probably changes quite often. Children don't really mature mentally until their teens, at that time she will understand how words can hurt and how the whole situation affects many people.

    Hold tight bacon! The sun will come out tomorrow!

  11. #26
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    Bacon: Just wanted to say don't worry about it at age 9...I wasn't putting any thought about weddings until I was 18 and even then it was about dresses and limos not who's going to walk me down the aisle. Relax and enjoy them, they won't be young for long...Good luck!




  12. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tannaleigh View Post
    Well from a daughter's perspective, you might want to put yourself in check...

    ...Its like, he is just a man that happens to be my father.
    !

    Me too! dad was gone when I was 5 and he's just some dude that I feel uncomfortable around. He just met my 3 yr old and 6 month old yesterday - hasnt seen my 5 yr old in 3 years. You can make your mark Bacon! I asked my mom's ex to walk me down the aisle. If my Dad had made more effort, it would have been him.

    Dont beat yourself up though and let it worry you. Just use this experience as a measuring tool.

  13. #28
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    Having thought about it for a few hours too, I am thinking, ya, she's 9. Things change. Maybe he bought her a cool barbie that week.

  14. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by bacon View Post
    Let me begin by saying that I totally hate weddings, for many various reasons.


    I've got a couple of daughters who I took to my cousins wedding on the weekend and we all had a great time. All was good. So to help them know what is going on I explain to them what all of the procedures and etiquette are. So when the dancing begins, you get a husband and wife thing. Then a father daughter dance, and a mother son dance.. etc.

    I like to keep in check with my kids feelings and see where they are at, and I need self assurance every once in a while. So I ask my youngest if she is going to be dancing with me when she gets married. She says no. Because she has another father who is there more. Alas, she was only 8 months when I was separated, and has always grown up in the environment that she is in now. Either way, I was instantly crushed.

    So to recover and asked my oldest the same questions. I got the expected answer of Me, without a doubt! Phew.


    So, even though I hate weddings, it's quite important to me that I fill that dancing spot if and when the time arrives.

    Do I let it slide for now as she is only 9? Do I do a sanity check and not let it bother me so much?


    Is it normal to be a little hurt that you are not choice number one from the get go and on? Would others be hurt in a similar situation.


    Didn't know if I should put this here, or the Step Parenting section. But I'm feeling a bit ouchied about not being the number one dad.
    Bacon...
    relax, she's only nine years old...she may change her mind several times over the next few years.
    When the time comes, be there for her...life is a dance in itself, and if she trusts you to talk to her, then you are ahead of the game already. Listen to her when she wants to talk, lether know you're there for her despite not being there every day, and let her lead for now.

    Do not make a competition at this time in her little life, she will need you both as she grows.

  15. #30
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    I would be hurt too, honestly. It'd sting for sure.

    I guess, take from it this: you know she's going to be pulled in different directions, so continue to be there for her the best you can. Love them fully for who they are and the choices they make. Maybe one asks you to walk down the aisle with her; maybe the other elopes. Who knows!

    And yeah. When I was 12, I was horrible. Like, I don't know how I'm still around kind of horrible. I was such an ungrateful brat. And I came around.

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