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  1. #1
    Expert Forum User bacon's Avatar
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    Default Almost devistated...

    Let me begin by saying that I totally hate weddings, for many various reasons.


    I've got a couple of daughters who I took to my cousins wedding on the weekend and we all had a great time. All was good. So to help them know what is going on I explain to them what all of the procedures and etiquette are. So when the dancing begins, you get a husband and wife thing. Then a father daughter dance, and a mother son dance.. etc.

    I like to keep in check with my kids feelings and see where they are at, and I need self assurance every once in a while. So I ask my youngest if she is going to be dancing with me when she gets married. She says no. Because she has another father who is there more. Alas, she was only 8 months when I was separated, and has always grown up in the environment that she is in now. Either way, I was instantly crushed.

    So to recover and asked my oldest the same questions. I got the expected answer of Me, without a doubt! Phew.


    So, even though I hate weddings, it's quite important to me that I fill that dancing spot if and when the time arrives.

    Do I let it slide for now as she is only 9? Do I do a sanity check and not let it bother me so much?


    Is it normal to be a little hurt that you are not choice number one from the get go and on? Would others be hurt in a similar situation.


    Didn't know if I should put this here, or the Step Parenting section. But I'm feeling a bit ouchied about not being the number one dad.

  2. #2
    Expert Forum User Tannaleigh's Avatar
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    Well from a daughter's perspective, you might want to put yourself in check.

    My parents split before I was 3. I know my dad and have a few memories of visiting him on holidays, but not too much.
    My mom never ever said an ill word about him to me.

    He remarried when I was 14. I was the only one out of my sisters that chose not to go. My sisters came home telling me that he throught I hated him or something. I've made it very clear that I do not hate him, nor do I have much connection with me. Its like, he is just a man that happens to be my father.

    With that said, he wanted to come down for the induction of my son. High Risk, life threatening illness, surgeries. I allowed him to, and am glad he was there to meet his grandson at an early time.

    If I were to have the big wedding shin dig, I think we would forgo the tradition wedding dances as my boyfriend is adopted, but know his birthmother from an early age. We both would like to not put either family member in the position to be left out.

    That being said, maybe you can overtime convince your daughter to share the responsibility between you and her stepfather. Say one walks her down the isle and the other gets the dance. or you each dance with her. It very well can be worked out. And don't forget to be honest with her that you would like to have that traditional moment with her. For me, one dance with my father to make him happy would be a very simple small request!
    Yale 4yr old
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  3. #3
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    I dont think you should worry. She is 9 after all.

    Im much in the same situation. My mother and father never dated, so I was a weekend child. Then I had a step dad enter my life early on. Both now fight over who should have rights to walk me down the isle.

    In all honestly though, neither of them are. When I get married I will have my Grandfather walk me. And have the first dance. He was more involved in what was best for me than either of the other 2.

    But with all that being said, I wouldnt stress it. You have a while to go.

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    Quote Originally Posted by bacon View Post
    Do I let it slide for now as she is only 9? Do I do a sanity check and not let it bother me so much?.
    I would let it slide for now for sure. At the age of 9 I don't think kids understand the importance of the father/daughter dance. I wouldn't take it personally now. I'd wait until she is much older for her to make that decision.

    Quote Originally Posted by bacon View Post
    Is it normal to be a little hurt that you are not choice number one from the get go and on? Would others be hurt in a similar situation.
    That's definitely something that would sting!! No matter your age or hers. I think it's TOTALLY normal. I would definitely even be hurt if DD didn't want to dance with her father at her wedding. I know my husband would be devistated.

    Try not to let this weigh on you too much. She has a LONGGGG time before she actually gets married.
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    its normal to be hurt but you also have to keep in mind they are pretty young. Also keep in mind if the time comes they do get married you can always do 2 dances one for you and one for step dad

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    A lot can change before the big wedding shingdig so I would just let it slide for now, even though it must have hurt a lot. Kids say things without thinking them through before had. When the time does come, your daughter will have a lot of 'stuff' to sort through when it comes to the dad vs step-dad issue and is too young now to understand it all.

    Great job for you taking them to a wedding and involving them in the celebration! That's the things little girls dream of and what their wedding will be like... someday.

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    I would totally understand how you would be hurt...but she is 9 and i would wait beofre i panic..if you bother her about it all the time for the next lets say 20 years that'll probably make up her mind for sure that she does want it to be her step dad right..kwim?

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    I think you let it slide for now as well. The reason I say this is your daughter's feelings may change, however, they may not. The reason I say this because I told my mom when I was a teenager there was no way that I would let my dad walk me down the aisle when I got married. We had a very strained relationship and I felt he was not there the way I needed him to be. My relationship with my father changed dramatically once I met DH. My father treats my DH like a son and they have a very good relationship and while I was dating DH I began to rebuild the bond that I had lost growing up with my dad. My dad is more involved in my life now then when I lived with him 24/7.

    It must be really hard not to be able to spend all your time with your daughters. However, I know some dads/daughters that live together that do not have a strong bond. Do you think your daughter feels distant from you? Your daughter is heading into those teen years and it will be a rough ride (I know many friends that had a hard time relating to their dads). I think my dad seized the opportunity to reconnect when I met DH and he would have been devastated to not walk me down the aisle. I did choose to have him walk me down the aisle and we had a daughter/father dance. Besides the birth of my children, it was one of the best moments of my life that I had with my father. He is the best grandpa ever to his grandkids.

    So I guess the point of my story is, she may feel this way now but it can change!

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    You need to let it slide, she is only 9! A wedding is still so far away into the future for her (maybe she will decide not to get married). If the time comes, and her decision is still the same, it will still be her decision and she will have her reasons for it. Feel free to voice your dissapointment, but remember that you may just end up making her feel bad and really, that is not what a wedding is all about.

  10. #10
    Expert Forum User bacon's Avatar
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    Thanks for all the feedback.

    I am, what I feel, is close to all of my kids. We all have a good relationship going on... and hopefully it will all work out. She has a pile of people in her life that are there for her for support, and I know it is ultimately up to her.

    I got the same feeling when watching the Adam Sandler movie Click... where he was taken off guard when his daughter did something similar. That was mostly because he was a tool towards his family, and I don't want to be a tool to the people I care about.

  11. #11
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    When I was about 9 I said something to my Mom that hurt her so bad.

    I used to go to New Brunswick for a month each summer to see my Dad and his wife (my stepmother) My stepmother has 2 daughters that would also come and spend that month each summer.

    The year I was 9 my step sisters and I decided that I would call their Mom, Mom and they would call my Dad , Dad.
    I was talking to my Mom on the phone and I gleefully announced our new plan.

    At the time all I was thinking was ohhh fun.. you can be my Mom for a month until I am with the real deal again. I hurt my Mom so bad that summer and it wasn't until I was much older that she told me that

    I guess what I'm saying is at 9 .. kids say a lot of things without a single thought to anyones feelings. I would just hold tight and maintain your spot in your DD's life. I'm sure in the end it will all work out for the best.

  12. #12
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    Even if feelings change, what is wrong with having 2 father of the daughter dances?!? I come from a split family home and I wanted to make sure everyone felt included. Both my 'moms' got walked down the asile as mother of the bride (even though I am not really a fan of my actual mom) and I think this is becoming more and more common. The only thing I cared about at my wedding was my “daddy daughter dance“ so 2 of them would be even extra special!
    *~* The point isn't whether they lived happily ever after, the point is that they lived*~

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    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom! eversoclever's Avatar
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    I think it's way, way too early to have that conversation. Especially if you're looking for personal validation they're not yet capable of giving you. They're little girls.

    Also, remember that it takes awhile for them to develop empathy. I think you could be breaking your own heart here.

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    As long as you continue to be a continued presence, consisten with being supporitve, involved, etc I would expect by the time of her actual wedding, she'd just compromise - have you both walk her down the aisle, or do a dance with one, then with the other, and have both be dad/daughter songs, kwim?
    For now I'd let it go. You don't want to guilt her and it's hard not to make it into a guilt trip, if you bring it up again.

    I'd just keep on being as much as you can be in her life, and figure as she matures, her attitude will adapt.
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    Don't worry! Be all you can be to her now. At the very worst she may ask both to walk her down the ailse. How bad can that be because she still choose you. At 9 she has not processed the whole scenario.
    moving sucks

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