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  1. #1
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    Default Stepping out on your Partner

    An affair to remember

    (article is 4 short columns, click next to read it all....)

    I'm not sure if this is the right section, maybe sex and relationships? Anyway, was wondering if anyone had read this article in this month's Chatelaine. It's an affair from the woman's perspective, and I found it very interesting. I didn't find myself judging her, and somehow found myself thinking how easily this could happen, even to me, especially when I was totally absorbed in the working world.

    My question, does anyone think this affair could go on, with the author staying married with life as usual. Please answer as vaguely and hypothetically as you like. Is she selfish for not divorcing, or is this scenario just what life has come to in this day and age?

    I am torn, not everything is black and white, maybe this scenario could work for some marriages or long term relationships? Does anyone else, or not?

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    forewarning TMI coming

    with my bf that I just split with we NEVER had sex with him that's 7 years with him and 2 years prior for the first 3 years it was fine after that we came to mutual choice of having a open relationship on my end

    I don't believe there is ever a right reason to have an affair if its that bad leave or get permission or get help simple as that.

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    Sittingpretty, I sometimes wonder if I've been too old fashioned, or with my head in the clouds, but I find the concept of "permission" to be interesting. I wonder if that's what relationships are moving towards all these decades, for some couples? Were you OK with that deal, did he want an open end (sorry I'm not familiar with all of your story, no need to share if you are not comfy)

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    i read that article the other day too, Retro!! i was thinking of posting about here too, LOL.

    I had the same experience as you---i didn't find myself judging her. i was just found it really interesting.

    I know at least 2 people who have had a similar 'situation'. one woman who has had an ongoing relationship for at least 5 or 6 years now, outside of her marriage. has a VERY close family life though...and is very happy in her marriage as well. i believe the other person is married as well.

    the other person i don't know quite as well, so i don't grill with questions the same way, lol.

    i don't know how i feel about all of this stuff....i know of and have known of SO many affairs. sometimes it almost doesn't even shock me the way it would have 10 years ago. and that saddens me. for some reason, when i read that woman's story, i felt that it really could work though...the way she explained their arrangement, i felt that she probably could carry on like that for a long time.

    having said that.....i don't think it's necessarily "Right" in any way though. i guess i can just see it happening. and since i've seen it happen with someone i know fairly well...

    ugh....this is a tough one. lol....DH and i have talked about it many times....he thinks it's horrible and disgraceful. but it's a friend that i have known for a long time and couldn't 'not like' her just because of this.
    Last edited by Indigo74; 05-30-2009 at 11:09 AM.
    "My mind is going a mile an hour."

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    It makes me sad because really, she only did this because what is supposed to be the most important sexual relationship in her life, that with her husband, is fading or gone.

    I wouldn't want to be in her shoes.

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    Indigo, I haven't known anyone, and part if me wonders if that's just because I am oblivious? My DH hasn't read it yet, although I plan to leave it somewhere open to that page...food for thought, I don't think he understands that women (not necessarily for sex alone) arent' always going to sit quietly, and passively all the time in a marriage like that. There was a time though....oh do I dare to admit this...I thought along the lines of Dr. Laura, when I was first married, although those discussions were just with DH usually, never with people I knew.

    Danielle, I don't feel sad when I read it as I once would, it's almost empowering in a sense, she isn't going to passively wait as her husband falls out of love with her? I can see how things can lead that way, and maybe it's the husbands shoes I wouldn't want to be in?

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    I should mention that the friend of mine that has had an arrangement like this is not anyone who lives in the area or could possibly end up tied to my thread...(just a disclaimer, lol).

    the interesting thing with the friend of mine (no, the 'friend' is not me, either, btw!) ---she has a very active sexual life with her husband still ...or so she says. but i think it's in a different 'way' than with the other partner. i've asked her a lot about it over the last few years because it was something i NEVER would have guessed about her in the first years of knowing her. And it's just something i want to understand.

    it has made me wonder how many other people are doing the same thing with no one even suspecting it, y'know? I can think of 2 people i know (including this friend), who have had ongoing outside relationships and continued to have a so-called stable family life. Then between DH and I there are probably 2 or 3 couples we have known who divorced as a result of affairs. But I know at my last job, I heard about affairs quite often. It surprised me how often.

    But the arrangement my friend was involved in,....which sounded exaclty like that article: i had never heard of that happening before. but she honestly felt that it strengthened her marriage. there were certain things that she just would not get from her marriage, i guess.

    from my own experience in marriage, i can see how a marriage can VERY easily become platonic.....but i think it's something worth working on. and i do tend to think you can walk a dangerous line if you look outside the marriage. i think once you've gone outside the marriage to fulfill that, it would be difficult to work on or improve.

    and as i've told my friend, i think it would take a great deal of restraint and boundary setting to be able to carry this on for a long time....i don't know how she's managed to balance that. i'm too emotional and can't imagine not falling in love....and getting all messed up, lol
    "My mind is going a mile an hour."

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    Well it's sad that she felt rejected by her husband, not desired sexually. But I'm not sure that it's so important to find everything in one package, kwim? I don't like cheating, lying, etc. But what about polyamoury? Does everything have to come in one person? That is a lot of pressure/high expectation maybe?
    LondonMoms has really gone downhill, ever since they started chit chatting in the home and garden forum. There is a place for chit chat, people!!!

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    But what about polyamoury? Does everything have to come in one person? That is a lot of pressure/high expectation maybe?
    polyamoury is on consent though they don't lie to do so and thats where my issue comes in. I don't think everything has to come from one person but you should not lie in order to get everything either.


    Sittingpretty, I sometimes wonder if I've been too old fashioned, or with my head in the clouds, but I find the concept of "permission" to be interesting. I wonder if that's what relationships are moving towards all these decades, for some couples? Were you OK with that deal, did he want an open end (sorry I'm not familiar with all of your story, no need to share if you are not comfy)
    in my case bf could not get it up, pills didnt work and being in his late 50's when we we started dating what little sex drive he did have went down hill and fast. He recognized that at my age I have alot of sexual desires and he wanted those to be met and realized he could not do it.
    Nope he didn't want others on his end but I have had relationships where it was open on both ends and it was fine they took alot of work and communication and they are definitely not for everybody.

    Yes I was okay with it mind you its not easy for me to meet someone that understood the situation or believed me that I had permission and I did not actively go for searching for someone either

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    Quote Originally Posted by myrrah View Post
    Well it's sad that she felt rejected by her husband, not desired sexually. But I'm not sure that it's so important to find everything in one package, kwim? I don't like cheating, lying, etc. But what about polyamoury? Does everything have to come in one person? That is a lot of pressure/high expectation maybe?
    I don't have a problem with polyamory (surprisingly). But I don't think that the expectation of having one person who can sexually connect with you, and be a good friend and parent is really that high/unreasonable. It isn't like they have to be perfect at any of those things either - just compatible. When the compatibility is gone for whatever reason, and therapy, talking and time doesn't solve the problem....then maybe it is time to take a break/get a divorce before things turn really bitter.

    I couldn't ever do this because the deception would bother me. To look someone in the face and lie, lie to my kids and family.. doesn't sit right with me. Just the possibility that the affair could have been discovered, could have destroyed my relationship, could have hurt my children (because then the divorce would no doubt be a lot more bitter than if I had sought one before involving another person...).. gah.

    I say this of course, because I am in a happy marriage.

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    Zoo
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    Another one chiming here that polyamoury is fine by me, but that's not what this was. She actively contrived a situation to cheat on her husband and I don't really care what her reasons are, she was wrong.


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    This goes deeper than I thought, I have never heard of polyamoury! If she had permission then, it would be more acceptable to some, b/c her dh is in on it. If he wasn't then possibly split up. I find her to be caring and compassionate of her husbands feelings, maybe she is using that as a rationale for the affair? Maybe I am looking for a reason to side with the author because it's a woman for once, I think she cares about her family and in her mind is doing the right thing, I wonder if the hubby knows and doesn't care?

    Surprised to find an article I actually liked in Chatelaine for once!

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    I think all of the rationalizing is just plain and simple justification for selfish behaviour, same as when men do it.


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    I am not saying this was polyamoury.
    LondonMoms has really gone downhill, ever since they started chit chatting in the home and garden forum. There is a place for chit chat, people!!!

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    if her relationship was stalled, and he couldn't help her out ... she felt unattractive, he was unresponsive, this snowballs. true, she looked for an outlet, it was an intentional stray as it was an adultery site, so she didn't accidentally meet someone with whom she had chemistry. however, if meeting someone that she had sparks with renewed her self esteem, reignited her sexual attraction to her husband and made her re-evaluate the importance of the family structure she had built, then maybe it was a neccessary evil in her case.
    i'm sure not all husbands would be alright with it, nor would many wives were the roles reversed, but there are likely people who would prefer it as a catalyst to fixing their relationship to ending their marriage and starting over.
    she seemed to really struggle with guilt over the betrayal. sometimes you just can't fix things from within, sometimes you just have to step out of the box.
    i feel for all 4 of them in that situation, it's messy, emotional, and all tangled up.
    ~"Just because I have strong opinions, does not mean I judge. Do not mistake passion for judgment. For you might find you are the one doing the judging". ~ Unknown

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