Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 26
  1. #1
    Expert Forum User
    Indigo74's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    7,317
    Rep Power
    328

    Default He's in meltdown again~ ROUND 2 this week!!

    I'm having a really hard time with this right now. DH and i are both staying VERY calm but inside my adrenaline is at full throttle. DS is going NUTS again and it both frustrates me and breaks my heart at the same time.

    These are almost daily, though sometimes we seem to be able to snap him out of it earlier. Not tonight.

    We had a good day....pretty quiet and stayed around the house. Had supper and DS ate a really good dinner, so we decided to walk to the ice cream shop as a treat. DS was really excited...we had a nice ice cream cone and then started the walk home. DS was on his little bike and DH was pushing him along.

    Partway home, it started.....DS steering his bike all over and running it into the stroller. He had 2 or 3 chances and then DH locked the steering. DS started to lose it at that point. We walked further....told him that at the next corner he could try steering again. When we got there, he said he wanted to keep the steering the way it was. So we continued.....that's when he lost his marbles. We knew it would happen because that is when he gets into his 'yes, no, yes no' mood and talking no longer helps. So then he's screaming and crying all the rest of the way home. We just ignored and kept going...meanwhile, the neighbours watching him go bonkers. He knows that when he screams outside in the neighbourhood, he comes inside IMMEDIATELY, so when he didn't get off his bike when we got home, we just picked him up and carried him in.

    DH is with him upstairs right now and DS is about the worst I've heard yet. Screaming at the top of his lungs,....and that shaky cry where he can hardly speak. Clearly unable to calm himself and yet there doesn't seem to be a lot we can do when he gets to that stage.

    sometimes we know the triggers and can avoid them, other times these meltdowns are more unpredictable. DH is remaining very calm but DS is just not letting up.....we know he is out of control now and not doing it on purpose, but i HATE it. we do get very firm about certain things (he is NOT allowed to carry on like that outside the house)...but otherwise, we just hang around him quietly and try to help him calm down.

    It just makes me feel sick though. I think partly because i hear myself in him...i know i was like taht at times as a really young kid too. I got locked in my room.

    i certainly don't want to endorse the screaming....but i just wish i knew how to help him regain control. i hate it
    Last edited by Indigo74; 05-19-2009 at 04:55 PM.
    "My mind is going a mile an hour."

  2. #2
    Expert Forum User
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    20 yards EOA
    Posts
    9,249
    Rep Power
    397

    Default

    Hugs hun. My nephew was doing the same thing the other day. Full meltdown in wal-mart. Didn't understand the word no. All I could tell my sister to do was walk away before she lost it. She's no angel herself and can get pretty wound up like him. So I just let her know I was here, she could talk to me instead of having a fit. What I said to her was this: let him be. if he's sitting at the top of the stairs, leave him. Do not run to him, do not acknowledge him. You've given him what you expect for him, you've asked he talk to you nicely, you told him if he didn't start behaving you were leaving, you left now let him finish being angry. Sure enough, 10 mins in he's at the top of the stairs screaming "MOM MOM". I just asked her to leave him alone, if he wants you that bad, he'll come get you. 5 more mins he calmed down enough, said sorry mummy, she spoke with him about how it hurt her feelings when he didn't want to listen but understands he gets frustrated and can't communicate to her effectively and they would work on it together. She did great. Now that worked for him, not sure how well that would work for your little guy or if there are other issues that would go beyond reason. My nephew does have some minor diagnosis, but I'm not sure what they are or if he's on meds for them. Good luck hun, stay strong. There's nothing worse then losing your shit when you can't help your kids keep theirs together.
    Last edited by SweetyPi; 05-18-2009 at 11:00 PM.

  3. #3
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!

    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    bet ya can't guess!
    Posts
    11,949
    Rep Power
    667

    Default

    DS1 can get like that but it has been getting a bit better. I have found what works for us is pretty much the same as sweety pi said. We tell C now that we will not be screamed at and he can go to his room until he calms down. When he comes out is his choice but he must be calm and apologize. The control is his in one sense and it has made a difference. That is not to say that the meltdowns don't happen, C is, and likely always will be an intense child, meltdowns happen but they are a bit shorter lived and there now seems to be an potencial end in sight.
    Cole is 8 years old! January, 2005
    Nate is 5 years old! January, 2008
    Judah is 2 years old! October, 2010
    Avery Grace born & passed Feb 4, 2007.

    "Why did I not know that birth is the pinnacle where women discover the courage to become mothers?"
    Anita Diamant (The Red Tent)

  4. #4
    Zoo
    Zoo is offline
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!

    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Posts
    19,919
    Rep Power
    839

    Default

    btdt, wish I could help. x


  5. #5
    Expert Forum User
    dressage mom's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Posts
    5,935
    Rep Power
    280

    Default

    Just know that it is not a reflection on you, or your parenting.

    Hugs to you, it's always tough dealing with the meltdowns.
    "Show me your horse and I will tell you who you are." -- Old English Saying

  6. #6
    Expert Forum User
    lilabelle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Out of towner
    Posts
    4,446
    Rep Power
    248

    Default

    I know your pain 100%. Good for you for being able to stay calm. No advise, just understanding.

  7. #7
    Expert Forum User

    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    London
    Posts
    3,977
    Rep Power
    219

    Default

    going thru the same thing with my son....hes 5
    i cant believe half of the things he screams out and wonder where they are coming from?! daycare I think!
    you are not alone and it is really hard to hear
    Mom to DS - 9.5 years old
    AND

  8. #8
    Expert Forum User

    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Posts
    3,328
    Rep Power
    196

    Default

    I could have almost written your post... we have been experiencing crazy meltdowns with our 3 year old DD. It is so hard to stay calm when she has been screaming irrationally for 30min. Sorry I have no advice but I'll be watching this thread for suggestions too.

  9. #9
    Expert Forum User
    Indigo74's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    7,317
    Rep Power
    328

    Default

    Thanks for the support....as long as I know it's not just us, then I feel a bit better.

    Sometimes it's really hard not to react----in my head , the first thing I'm thinking is "hey, we just took you out for ice cream and now you're doing this??!!"....but the two are unrelated, lol. I guess it's hard because i don't want to have to intervene like that because i know in the short term it makes him more crazy upset. but he needs to know there are boundaries. of course it's crazy to think that 'this time' he's just going to snap out of it and stop....

    this is the one scenario where i absolutely insist to DH that we have a 'trade off' policy---if either one of us is starting to lose our cool or get into a struggle, the other one takes over. but otherwise, we remove him to his room.....we sit in the doorway and don't speak if he's yelling or trying to hit. but we are there to make sure he stays in teh room and we reassure him that we will help him as long as he's not yelling or hitting....etc etc

    but sometimes i find myself fighting the tears when i hear him. it just sounds so desperate and out of control. and i realize that part comes from my own personal stuff...our kids definitely have a way of bringing up that stuff...i just remember being very much like that as a kid and i remember how it felt and losing total control and not knowing how to stop.

    fortunately, it's not usually nearly as bad as tonight....it has been getting better. it definitely helps to give him as much control as possible (you can come downstairs anytime as long as you aren't yelling or hitting)....but the nights like this are heartbreaking when he doesn't seem to be able to respond to anything

    thanks so much
    "My mind is going a mile an hour."

  10. #10
    Expert Forum User

    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    London
    Posts
    3,977
    Rep Power
    219

    Default

    edit
    Last edited by MamaM; 10-03-2010 at 08:42 PM.
    Mom to DS - 9.5 years old
    AND

  11. #11
    Expert Forum User
    Indigo74's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    7,317
    Rep Power
    328

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by jasterling View Post
    I could have almost written your post... we have been experiencing crazy meltdowns with our 3 year old DD. It is so hard to stay calm when she has been screaming irrationally for 30min. Sorry I have no advice but I'll be watching this thread for suggestions too.
    Does your DD still nap?
    DS doesn't nap during the day anymore. I still believe he needs it sometimes though, so i make sure we have 'quiet time' in the afternoon.
    "My mind is going a mile an hour."

  12. #12
    Expert Forum User
    dressage mom's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Posts
    5,935
    Rep Power
    280

    Default

    I'll tell you what works for us, and it may or may not work for you.

    When dd is in extreme meltdown phase (not just crankypants whiney, but losing her marbles), I don't leave her alone. I sit with her, talk quietly, rub her back or pick her up and just hold her (or I at least try to, sometimes she doesn't want me to touch her). Inevitably she calms down within minutes.

    Dh, on the other hand, loves to use humor. It really works! He'll stomp to where she is, and growl, "I'm going to have to punch you in the nose!" and he'll tickle her ... and this works every. single. time. to calm her down and get her giggling.

    And yeah, I totally get the "trade off" technique -- we use it here, too. And it's interesting how we both have our distinct way of curbing the meltdown, but both work very well.

    I think when they're in complete out-of-control meltdown phase, they cannot be realistically disciplined, ie, "learn their boundaries". Kwim? Their head is just not in it; and what they're seeking is *support* from us more than anything else. I always tend to put myself in her shoes -- for I DO know how she feels and I have my own tantrums occasionally! -- and think, "What would *I* need right now?" A hug. Compassion. Someone to say, "Yep, I understand".

    Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting you're not being compassionate. But I just picked up on this:

    we remove him to his room.....we sit in the doorway and don't speak if he's yelling or trying to hit.
    And then, this:

    but sometimes i find myself fighting the tears when i hear him. it just sounds so desperate and out of control.
    I just wonder if you've tried following your instincts with this, and where does it lead?
    Last edited by dressage mom; 05-18-2009 at 10:23 PM.
    "Show me your horse and I will tell you who you are." -- Old English Saying

  13. #13
    Zoo
    Zoo is offline
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!

    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Posts
    19,919
    Rep Power
    839

    Default

    TOTALLY agree with what DM said ok, this is NOT YOUR FAULT so please don't take this question to be any reflection on you but you should write down all of the details you can remember of the day when the meltdowns happen. I found that the most helpful thing in our life was to pin down the triggers for behaviour. It's 99% anxiety for my guy - change in routine, etc. But sometimes it was so simple as a fruit roll up...


  14. #14
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!

    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Lost in my own little world
    Posts
    31,260
    Rep Power
    1404

    Default

    i get it too.

    DS1 has huge meltdowns. We journalled everything, mostly its anxiety, but each day it would be something new. Somedays it would be nothing at all. He just holds everything in, until he can't anymore.
    Thankfully, now that we've started him on meds, we're noticing the decrease of the meltdowns-intensity, frequency, everything. It's heaven sent. (remember tho, he's got some special circumstances surrounding him)

    Sorry I don't have more suggestions, but bdtd. big hugs to you.

  15. #15
    Expert Forum User

    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Posts
    3,328
    Rep Power
    196

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Indigo74 View Post
    Does your DD still nap?
    DS doesn't nap during the day anymore. I still believe he needs it sometimes though, so i make sure we have 'quiet time' in the afternoon.
    My DD does not nap anymore during the day. I think she could use one but the problem is if she sleeps for even 5 minutes during the day she is up until midnight and then still wakes up early in the morning. It's easier to keep her up and put her to bed a little early.

    The worst part for us is that our DD brings all of this on herself... for example we have a rule that we don't use bandaids unless there is blood (we were wasting way too many). We have had this rule for months now and she knows it. But she still manages to get herself completely worked up when we say no to giving her a bandaid. We give her alternatives and she still ends up in a full on meltdown. I realize once she is past a certain point that she is no longer rational and disciplining her would be pointless but my DH has a hard time with this. He doesn't think she should be allowed to act like that at all. I don't know though as hard as it can be to deal with... I just keep saying she is only 3 some of this is normal. We didn't go through this with our first DD so it catches us off guard!

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. On the verge of an exhaustion meltdown
    By Mommymanda in forum Newborns - The First Year
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: 04-27-2009, 09:17 PM
  2. Replies: 30
    Last Post: 01-05-2009, 11:42 AM
  3. meltdown at bedtime
    By angela in forum Wonderful 1's
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 04-12-2007, 01:52 PM

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •