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Thread: lawyer jokes

  1. #1
    Moderator The Ultimate London Mom!
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    Default lawyer jokes

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American
    Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
    and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
    these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you
    that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
    memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
    something you forgot?


    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
    involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTO RNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.


    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
    dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
    WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.


    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?


    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
    August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid


    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    A TTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
    Can I get a new attorney?

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to
    a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsie s have you
    performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
    did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.


    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.


    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

    And the best for last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
    check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNES S: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
    alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
    alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
    and practicing law.
    Your life is a result of the choices you make, if you don't like your life it's time to start making better choices.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Mandaz's Avatar
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    LOL too funny

  3. #3

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    LMAO, those were hilarious!

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