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Thread: lawyer jokes

  1. #1
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    Default lawyer jokes

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American
    Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
    and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
    these exchanges were actually taking place.


    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you
    that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
    impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
    memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
    something you forgot?

    ___________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
    involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTO RNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

    ____________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
    dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ____________________________________


    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
    he?
    WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

    ___________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

    _________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
    August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid

    ____________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    A TTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
    Can I get a new attorney?
    ____________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
    ____________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with
    male.
    _____________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to
    a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsie s have you
    performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a
    fight.
    _________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
    did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.

    _________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
    body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

    ____________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

    ______________________________________
    And the best for last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
    check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNES S: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
    alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
    alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
    and practicing law.
    Your life is a result of the choices you make, if you don't like your life it's time to start making better choices.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Mandaz's Avatar
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    LOL too funny

  3. #3
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    LMAO, those were hilarious!

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