Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 28
  1. #1
    Expert Forum User foximamma's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    London
    Posts
    6,564
    Rep Power
    284

    Default need your expert advice!

    So talk about a tough decision..

    I have a 13 y/o step daughter who lives just outside of London. We put her in dance, and last year she just started doing it competitively..

    well I get a call last night saying that she needs 90$ ASAP for her costume, and another 95$ by the 15th at the latest.
    She told her dad she had a form that she was given last wednesday, but didnt know what it was about. Well she apparently read it last night and that's what it was about.

    First off, I have to say that we have had major issues with her communicating things like this to us, and have had countless discussions with her about the need to communicate stuff to us asap... apparently none of it has sunk in.

    what would you do though? I'm tired of this coming up at the last second, and really we don't just have 90$ to throw here and there at the last second!
    I asked her, did you guys not discuss costumes in class etc? she said NO, a month ago they took her measurements but didnt tell us anything about it because she didnt know how much it was going to cost. I called the dance studio (which Ill get to in a minute) and they said that yes, they have been discussing it quite a bit, so there is no doubt she should have known.

    my first instinct (and what my parents would have done) is to just say tough, youve been told so many times, you didnt do it, so you sit this one out. But.. it's a team, so that is penalizing her team, not fair.
    Also she's only 13..but I feel that she is more than capable of informing us of this type of thing! I mean she can babysit children and be responsible for them, but not read and tell us about a sheet she got from Dance?

    .. so secnod topic, holy crap I'm mad. I called the studio, and I could tell the instructor was already in a bad mood because she answered the phone like I was rudely interupting her.. well she gives ME crap for not knowing.. that there was a form sent at the beginning of the year (august) that there would be costume fees so I should have known.
    Is it just because I'm new to this... but saying that there will eventually be some (not when or how much) is different than knowing all the details.. and a week in adv. isn't enough time imo. (are we just that poor?)
    Then she's almost yelling at me telling me I should read the board at the studio, (this after Ive already said 3x that we don't live in the same city).. "well how does she GET here exactly?" she says.. ugh sorry, another parent. Yeesh, talk about rude.
    Its like I was callign her and blaming her or something, I just called to find out how I could get the information directly instead of relying on a teenager to do it.
    She tells me, well do you not check facebook? Sorry no, how am I supposed to know you're on facebook? They have a webpage, however last time DH and I were trying to get info, we found out it was updated last in 2005!!!
    anyway I won't go more into the RUUUUDE phone call..

    but what would you do? We told her last time "this is the LAST time we're dong something last minute" and still that doesn't seem to have helped.
    frustrated to say the least. *ahhh teenagers *

  2. #2
    Senior Member

    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    My House
    Posts
    1,261
    Rep Power
    93

    Default

    No advise.... I only have a 3 year old and 7 month old!!!

    Good luck!!

  3. #3
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!

    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Posts
    10,772
    Rep Power
    610

    Default

    I'd pay it this time.

    I think at that age, she could probably legally baby-sit? I don't know maybe because I baby-sat from 11 on, (for my aunt, while she marked school papers)oh I delivered papers too, and scooped dog do-do and I paid for all my extras, and I had no problem with it, and think it was good for me. I would probably make an agreement that you're given notice if she is given notice (like she was) otherwise she will have to help pay(not even all of it, but just so that she gets the feeling of money leaving her hands yk?) because sometimes it is hard to come up with money like that out of no where.

    I may sound mean, but I think some times kids take money for granted untill they have experience with it and really learn the value of it.
    Last edited by my2babies; 01-28-2009 at 02:58 PM.

  4. #4
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom! Mommy2Cuties's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Was in London but now back in BC!
    Posts
    10,771
    Rep Power
    460

    Default

    I used to dance so I can totally understand how much of a financial strain it is on parents. Because it is a team thing and yes, you are right, the team will be penalized if she isnt able to participate I would pay it this time but is there a way you could ask her mom to pay half? Why is just your DH's responsiblity (or was the $95 his share? I may have read the post wrong).

    I would also have a big heart to heart chat with step-daughter and tell her that this has got to stop and it's time that she starts to learn the value of a dollar. Whether it be babysitting or scooping dog poop like a pp mentioned. I would then offer to pay HALF of stuff if it school related or whatever and a ridiculous amout of money (or another amount like 60/40% or something) but if it falls into the "last minute" category if she has known for a while about this sort of stuff I would probably have to put my foot down, ya know?

    I would also talk to the mother and ask her to let you know about the notices/bulletins in the dance studio.
    Last edited by Mommy2Cuties; 01-28-2009 at 03:07 PM.
    I stole Turtle's Lollipop! xoxo

    Nicole, mama to Miss A (April 2005), Miss K (Sept 2007), Angel Baby (August 2008), and Baby A (June 2009)


  5. #5
    Expert Forum User MrsKK's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Posts
    4,264
    Rep Power
    195

    Default

    Pay it, but make her work it off. She obviously should know better at 13.

  6. #6
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom! eversoclever's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Posts
    11,343
    Rep Power
    482

    Default

    Huh, I guess I don't really understand. How did you not anticipate a costume payment requirement? Seems to me that expectation would go along hand-in-hand with signing her up for dance, regardless of whether or not she's good about communicating the exact due day of the payment in a timely fashion.

    Speaking from personal experience with the blended family dynamic, it would seem to me that it would be your dh's job to hash it out with the studio and discuss with his daughter the communication problem.

  7. #7
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom! Mommy2Cuties's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Was in London but now back in BC!
    Posts
    10,771
    Rep Power
    460

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by eversoclever View Post
    Huh, I guess I don't really understand. How did you not anticipate a costume payment requirement? Seems to me that expectation would go along hand-in-hand with signing her up for dance, regardless of whether or not she's good about communicating the exact due day of the payment in a timely fashion.
    IME - costumes are extra especially those for competitions and stuff.
    I stole Turtle's Lollipop! xoxo

    Nicole, mama to Miss A (April 2005), Miss K (Sept 2007), Angel Baby (August 2008), and Baby A (June 2009)


  8. #8
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!

    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Posts
    10,772
    Rep Power
    610

    Default

    I think the issue is not the money back lack of notice for when it was needed though.

  9. #9
    Expert Forum User foximamma's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    London
    Posts
    6,564
    Rep Power
    284

    Default

    oh she already babysits her other little brother and kids in her neighbourhood all the time.. I brought it up comparing responsibility.. ie- if she is responsible enough to care for a child, how can she not be responsible enough to read a paper and tell us about it?

    and pffffffft her mom, she is a whole... other story. No she does not pay half, we pay for all of it, because it was our choice to put her in it. (I have no problem with that at all).. but her mom is completely hands off. Infact it wouldnt surprise me at all if she knew about these fees but didn't bother to tell us, because she won't do ANYTHING to help us/ keep us informed AT ALL. It's super annoying.

    I do think it's a good idea though to get her to pay some of it as a penalty for waiting to the last minute.. the thing is, I'm not sure how much she will mind. Maybe doing extra chores to earn it.
    Last edited by foximamma; 01-28-2009 at 03:18 PM.

  10. #10
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom! eversoclever's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Posts
    11,343
    Rep Power
    482

    Default

    Yeah, but if you put your kid in dance you know there's going to be the need to pay for the costume eventually, right? I'm just saying, I wouldn't hang this entirely around the kid's head when that's the standard expectation going in.

  11. #11
    Expert Forum User foximamma's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    London
    Posts
    6,564
    Rep Power
    284

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by eversoclever View Post
    Huh, I guess I don't really understand. How did you not anticipate a costume payment requirement? Seems to me that expectation would go along hand-in-hand with signing her up for dance, regardless of whether or not she's good about communicating the exact due day of the payment in a timely fashion.

    Speaking from personal experience with the blended family dynamic, it would seem to me that it would be your dh's job to hash it out with the studio and discuss with his daughter the communication problem.
    well she's never been in comptetative dance before so there have never been costume fees in the past.
    Also in the registration form we got in august, it said there would be some costume fees depending on what dance class she is in. (did not specify which ones, nor the cost, or even approx. time payments would need to be made).. we're new to this aspect of it.

    and really.. for our family.. yes I am her 'step'-mom, but I'm still a parental role in her life.
    To me separating it so as just to have her dad deal with stuff, takes away from the family dynamic. We are all family, we will all deal with issues.
    She is not treated like she is just HIS daugher, therefore there would be no reason for just him to deal with it.
    Last edited by foximamma; 01-28-2009 at 03:21 PM.

  12. #12
    Expert Forum User foximamma's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    London
    Posts
    6,564
    Rep Power
    284

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by eversoclever View Post
    Yeah, but if you put your kid in dance you know there's going to be the need to pay for the costume eventually, right? I'm just saying, I wouldn't hang this entirely around the kid's head when that's the standard expectation going in.
    she's been in dance since she was 6 at the same studio. We've never had to pay for a costume before. We always sold chocolate bars and volunteered and did fundraising before that covered any additional costs above the registration fee.

  13. #13
    Expert Forum User foximamma's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    London
    Posts
    6,564
    Rep Power
    284

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by my2babies View Post
    I think the issue is not the money back lack of notice for when it was needed though.
    EEEExactly.

  14. #14
    Administrator Site Admin
    Leslie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    north london
    Posts
    8,776
    Rep Power
    2000

    Default

    I would pay it and just make sure to call the studio regularily to check in and see if there is any information that you should be made aware of. Kids forget things. I would praise her for any time that she does remember to tell you stuff and hopefully that will encourage more dialogue. Do you not go watch her though? Does she always get rides with other parents? Maybe you could try to be there once or twice a month not only to get infomation but to support her dancing efforts. I bet that would make her feel like you were really interested and maybe it would help her bring stuff up because you are already talking about it? Good luck with it! She must be really good to be involved in competitive dance.


    PS - I moved this to a more appropriate section as chit chat is supposed to be non-kid related!
    Leslie




  15. #15
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!
    Ingalls's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    london
    Posts
    22,762
    Rep Power
    1247

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by foximamma View Post
    oh she already babysits her other little brother and kids in her neighbourhood all the time.. I brought it up comparing responsibility.. ie- if she is responsible enough to care for a child, how can she not be responsible enough to read a paper and tell us about it?

    and pffffffft her mom, she is a whole... other story. No she does not pay half, we pay for all of it, because it was our choice to put her in it. (I have no problem with that at all).. but her mom is completely hands off. Infact it wouldnt surprise me at all if she knew about these fees but didn't bother to tell us, because she won't do ANYTHING to help us/ keep us informed AT ALL. It's super annoying.

    I do think it's a good idea though to get her to pay some of it as a penalty for waiting to the last minute.. the thing is, I'm not sure how much she will mind. Maybe doing extra chores to earn it.
    If she has any money saved up, she can pay for it.
    Tell her that you'll pay her back half -- in time -- but that that is what happens when you don't tell your parents asap that you need the money. Either you fork it over yourself, or you go without.
    If she doesn't have that kind of money, then you say ok, from now on, until you've paid us back (at least one of the fees), I get half of your babysitting money from any job you do. (If you say all, she can just stop taking jobs )

    I'd probably pay it too if possible because she's letting down a whole team, but, if it happened twice -- well I'd probably say sorry dear, no go. Let her feel like she disapointed them, let her feel like she screwed up -- cos she did, and she might learn it better if it's someone else's reactions she's seeing, than just her parents' reactions.
    DD1 age 7 DS age 11
    "I will remember you." July/10
    Baby Elaina born October 28th, 2011. Making every single day that much more special.
    INTERESTED IN BUYING DVDS OF OLD KIDS' SHOWS. Mr.Rogers', Mr.Dressup, Polka Dot Door, etc

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. A question to computer expert?
    By happynov in forum Chit Chat
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 12-18-2008, 06:53 PM
  2. Babywearing - Expert Opinions Needed
    By aidensmom in forum General Support/Advice about the Kids!
    Replies: 37
    Last Post: 12-05-2008, 07:47 AM
  3. Any expert outlet shoppers out there?
    By mumtobelle in forum 'Materialistic' Moms
    Replies: 24
    Last Post: 02-20-2008, 06:17 PM
  4. Anyone a Booster seat expert?
    By MaryRPN in forum Chit Chat
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 02-12-2007, 12:16 PM

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •