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  1. #1
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    Exclamation A Plan for Your Children Regarding Inappropriate Touching!

    I took this excerpt with the permission of the OP from another poster who's friend's very! young daughter was sexually abused. There were other concerned moms as well who asked for permission to use the information that the OP's friend found out AFTER much damage was done! I didn't even know how to title this, did the best I could to make it less pointed a title.


    ----advice from my firiend

    How can we attempt to prevent sexual abuse of children. Read on.... Convicted abusers were surveyed, and they by and large said this approach WOULD have prevented them from abusing the children they abused.

    Sit down as a family. Have the child draw the outline of their hand on a piece of paper. Then, on each finger write the name of one trusted adult. Let them choose the people, with a bit of guidance from parents/guardians. This the their own personal "Helping Hand." Put a phone number with each name, if the child is old enough to know how to make a phone call.

    Tell the child that if anything happens that breaks the "Nobody is allowed..." rule, they should immediately tell TWO of the people on their helping hand. If nothing happens to stop the offenses, they should tell another and another until something happens.

    Then, and THIS is the part that does the trick, tell EVERYONE you know that you have done this, and that you have a plan in place. Tell the 5 adults that they are on the child's helping hand.

    Perpetrators say that if they had known that such a plan was in place for their victims, they would not have abused at least that victim.

    You might ask: How could they possibly know that there is a plan in place?

    Answer: Because YOU JUST TOLD THEM. You announced the plan to all your family and friends, etc. Again, and this is no lie, 90-95% of all sexual abuse of children comes from family or people with CLOSE family ties. Tell EVERYONE about the plan. Announce it. Decorate the helping hands and post them on the wall so people will ask you about them. It's so simple.

    and....

    The most important thing I learned at the beginning of this whole mess was that you should NOT teach your children "Don't let anyone .... (whatever)." If you do, then when "whatever" happens, they feel like they are at fault for "letting someone...." They are, then, much less likely to report the incident. They think that THEY are going to get in trouble.

    Teach them instead: "No one is allowed...." This empowers them to tell the perpetrator, "You are not allowed to do that! I'm gonna tell."

    We (now) use the following:

    "No one is allowed to touch my private parts, except to keep me healthy, or to keep me clean."

    This covers doctors and nurses, and moms/dads/sitters doing normal help with bath time and potty time.

    The kids need to understand the "no one" means "not Mom, not Dad, not Aunt Sue, not...."

    "No one" means absolutely "No one."

  2. #2
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom! Mommy2Cuties's Avatar
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    Good post. It is so true that children/people in general are often violated by ones that know and trust unfortunately I know from experience

    I will be doing this with my children what a neat/interesting concept.
    I stole Turtle's Lollipop! xoxo

    Nicole, mama to Miss A (April 2005), Miss K (Sept 2007), Angel Baby (August 2008), and Baby A (June 2009)


  3. #3
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    That's the approach I used with my daughter and will begin to instill in my son "No one is allowed to touch you where your bathing suit covers you."

    Thank you for this, I will do the Helping Hand thing, that's invaluable.

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    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!
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    I think that's a good idea, very smart, I just wanted to mention I wouldn't go with the wording nearer the end -- a molester will think of that, and say to the child "I'm just helping you get clean" or whatever else, to help the child justify it in their minds. Just a thought. So I try to go more with the concept of surprise vs. secrets, and the idea that no one should touch you when they are alone with you. For example yes a doctor will touch you sometimes, but never would you have to have that done to you w/ou tmommy or daddy there. That way even a health professional is not able to abuse them, they're people too.

    Secret vs surprise. Because so many abusers are people you know or trust, I taught my kids tthat a surprise is something that you are making or doing to make another person happy -- making a present, buying a gift, decorating for a party. That is ok to not tell about as it's a surprise. But if it makes you uncomfortable or worrie,d it is ALWAYS ok to tell a trusted grownup about it.
    I teach them we don't keep secrets from our families. It's ok to want to keep bedwetting or a Blankie secret from your friends. It's ok to not want your teacher to know you got put on time out for swearing. It's not ok to be told or asked to keep anything secret from mommy or daddy (or whomever their trusted people are).

    And as for going with people, like if they came to pick them up at school and God forbid the school allowed them to go --
    I have explained to him it has to be someone you know really really well. He likes specifics so I've said Gramma, Grampa, mommy, daddy, or auntie. No one else. He likes to ask questions so he'd say what about this or that person. Well when we lived in Windsor, truth was other than mommy and daddy he had no family there, so I had to finally design it like this: If it's someone who's been to our house, and we've been to theirs, and you know they're friends with mommy or daddy, then if there's an emergency it's ok to go with them. We're not super social people so for us that would only include one friend and one friend who wa a neighbour. So if dh and I were in a car accident while he was in school, and he did have to be picked up by someone else, that was our safe choice.

    Just a few thoughts. Sorry if I was butting into your thread.

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    Junior Member mom2amylia's Avatar
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    I like the helping hand idea. My dd is still too young to dial but have told her only special people can change her bum or help her with potty (and we name them to her, mommy, daddy, nana, grandma and sometimes grandpa). We are sure to tell people when we go someplace where she's in nursery/daycare type situation, only women may change her and only if she's poopy. Otherwise, one of us will. Sounds paranoid, I know but I have my reasons.

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    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom! Mommy2Cuties's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by *allie* View Post
    I think that's a good idea, very smart, I just wanted to mention I wouldn't go with the wording nearer the end -- a molester will think of that, and say to the child "I'm just helping you get clean" or whatever else, to help the child justify it in their minds. Just a thought. So I try to go more with the concept of surprise vs. secrets, and the idea that no one should touch you when they are alone with you. For example yes a doctor will touch you sometimes, but never would you have to have that done to you w/ou tmommy or daddy there. That way even a health professional is not able to abuse them, they're people too.

    Secret vs surprise. Because so many abusers are people you know or trust, I taught my kids tthat a surprise is something that you are making or doing to make another person happy -- making a present, buying a gift, decorating for a party. That is ok to not tell about as it's a surprise. But if it makes you uncomfortable or worrie,d it is ALWAYS ok to tell a trusted grownup about it.
    I teach them we don't keep secrets from our families. It's ok to want to keep bedwetting or a Blankie secret from your friends. It's ok to not want your teacher to know you got put on time out for swearing. It's not ok to be told or asked to keep anything secret from mommy or daddy (or whomever their trusted people are).

    And as for going with people, like if they came to pick them up at school and God forbid the school allowed them to go --
    I have explained to him it has to be someone you know really really well. He likes specifics so I've said Gramma, Grampa, mommy, daddy, or auntie. No one else. He likes to ask questions so he'd say what about this or that person. Well when we lived in Windsor, truth was other than mommy and daddy he had no family there, so I had to finally design it like this: If it's someone who's been to our house, and we've been to theirs, and you know they're friends with mommy or daddy, then if there's an emergency it's ok to go with them. We're not super social people so for us that would only include one friend and one friend who wa a neighbour. So if dh and I were in a car accident while he was in school, and he did have to be picked up by someone else, that was our safe choice.

    Just a few thoughts. Sorry if I was butting into your thread.
    very good approach Going on with the safe pick up from school and stuff when i was little I had a safe word. I changed it often with if it wasnt used and every time it was used. Anyone picking me up from school would have to know the safe word (I think it was "clicky shoes" for a while cause I loved tap dancing). If they knew that then I knew my mom had spoken to them and it was okay for me to go with them.
    I stole Turtle's Lollipop! xoxo

    Nicole, mama to Miss A (April 2005), Miss K (Sept 2007), Angel Baby (August 2008), and Baby A (June 2009)


  7. #7
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    Markus is not old enough yet to know how to call anyone. But he does know that unless someone is changing hid diaper or bathing him that no one is to touch where his diaper is. and he also knows that only me, my mom, and my grandmother are aloud to, oh as well as docotors.

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    Thanks for sharing!
    April - Mommy to Ivy, Sophia & Ryker


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    Totally love the helping hand concept - that is an awesome action plan!

    Sadly it is true that the ones who abuses children are generally the ones in a 'trusting' relationship with them ... parent, extended family, teacher, coach, etc. ... so empowering children with a voice and confidence is one of the best things we can do for children ... preditors seek out the quiet, meek, shy ones with low self-esteem

    I was brought up with the message that you never questioned a grown up and that you ALWAYS did what you were told by a grown up - without question ... the other message I was constantly sent was 'dont be a tattle tale - solve your own problems with siblings' and I firmly believe that this was what put me at risk compared to others ... as I was sexually abused several times by the teenage son of a babysitter when I was small who told me 'my mother (the sitter) says you have to be quiet and play this game with me' which afterwards he followed by threats I would get in trouble for tattling if I did tell

    As sad as it is to worry about 'robbing children' of their innocents in having 'educational talks' with them - done in a carry and supportive manner such as the ones suggested can empower then to be stronger children!

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    Quote Originally Posted by mom2amylia View Post
    I like the helping hand idea. My dd is still too young to dial but have told her only special people can change her bum or help her with potty (and we name them to her, mommy, daddy, nana, grandma and sometimes grandpa). We are sure to tell people when we go someplace where she's in nursery/daycare type situation, only women may change her and only if she's poopy. Otherwise, one of us will. Sounds paranoid, I know but I have my reasons.
    *allie*...........I'm going to review that post and pm the OP and ask her what her friend's source was regarding this information. I had assumed that it was among the number of councellors that this family is working with for their DD but I'd like to know as you have pointed out some interesting points. I just wanted to quote here as it isn't always men/boys who are perpetrators, it can also be women too. My instructions if there is nursery care happening which is VERY rare, either my DH or myself are to be paged to change any diapers. I don't believe you to be paranoid at all, I read the original post and as much of the story as I could stand reading and when it comes to the assumed safety of your children in this area, there IS NONE! The story appeared over a month ago and there were pages worth of posts offering condolences and expressing outrage. Better safe than sorry!

  11. #11
    Senior Member rosiemunchkins's Avatar
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    Great post. I'll definitely be sharing this with the hubby and family members.

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    What great tips!! Thanks for posting.
    Your life is a result of the choices you make, if you don't like your life it's time to start making better choices.

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    Thank you for posting. I really understand the "allowed" and "don't let" SO GOOD TO KNOW! And letting everyone know a plan is in place

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    Fantastic idea with the "helping hand". I will be doing this for sure. If I may also add.....it is very important that parents teach kids to use the proper words for private parts. Yes we all have issues with embarrassment using certain words HOWEVER. If a child is taught the proper words for those private parts they are more likely to use these words which will scrare off the abuser.....why you ask....an informed child is MUCH more likely to report abuse to a parent sooner than a child no informed. IT IS EMPOWERING!

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    I agree Dianne, we have some generations that have tabooed the proper names of body parts and we have some really odd selections of alternate names. If we ALL used the same and proper name for each body part.................can you imagine a child psychologist asking for a traumatized child to draw a picture of the body part they are naming because the doctor has no clue what the child is describing?? That only makes matters worse.

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