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Thread: Name calling

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    Default Name calling

    My oldest dd has taken to calling her sister names whenever she gets upset. She starts hollering and calling her all sorts of names. I am tired of hearing it and frankly am not handling it well. Somebody remind me how to parent.
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    LMAO!!! I dunno, I suck at this stuff. Maybe you could call her names? Like, "Stop calling your sister names you little bully!"

    Okay dont do that.

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    Every name = one toy gone?
    Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

    ~ Breastfed for 7 months, 2 weeks and 3 days ~

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    Where do they get this stuff from?! We have name calling here too, it drives me up the wall. All I'm doing so far is "we don't talk like that in this house". Which stops it in the moment but doesn't seem to have a long-term effect.
    I'll be watching this thread for ideas too.

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    I know when I was a kid (ok, dating myself here) we lost a toy or a privalage with every name we said-it worked because it would start with our favourite things at that time and then the next one and so on

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    I catch my daughter name calling aswell. She goes in a time out right away and she only does it once in a while now. We have one name we call each other for fun but it stays between the 2 of us and she knows that and follows the rule(I call her a nerd all the time lol!)
    April - Mommy to Ivy, Sophia & Ryker


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    I saw an episode of Nanny 911 where the kids had terrible potty mouths. They were old enough to get an allowance, and the solution was to charge 50 cents per offense. Each of the kids had a chart with their names, and at the end of the week they added up the tally marks. Seemed to work pretty well.

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    here we use one word. " consequence" If I say that word the kids have one shot to fix whatever they are doing wrong. If I say consequence too many times in a day they lose something. Computer,telephone,tv,outside, Its been working pretty well with some of my kids , other not so much. I also always make them apologize to the other persons face.

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    Quote Originally Posted by myrrah View Post
    LMAO!!! I dunno, I suck at this stuff. Maybe you could call her names? Like, "Stop calling your sister names you little bully!"

    Okay dont do that.
    Yeah that is pretty close to my last day of parenting. Hence the reason I need help. I am acting like I am 5 years old and forgetting to parent. I don't want to punish her though - what I want to do is help her deal with her anger. She calls her sister names when she is upset or angry and can't seem to calm down.

    Everytime it happens my chest seizes up and all my sanity jumps out the window. I think I am going to say one thing like 'dd you seem very upset, it is hurtful to call someone a name and you need to stop". Instead what comes out of my mouth in a too loud voice is 'stop huring your sister for the upteenth time - that is not appropriate and you know it". Said with a scowl on my face that I am sure no 5 yr old likes to see on their mommy. It may not sound harsh to some, but believe me it is and i can see it on her face. I am not helping her and I know that.

    Ok - myrrah, you are good at this stuff so give it to me. M is calling Z names (imagine Z older). Tell me what you do.
    Mom of 2 girls, unschooler, feminist, runner and just general lover of life.

    Need a doula or prenatal classes? www.babeezeinarms.com

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    Meh, you know I dont think it's wrong to not always be sunshine and roses. You're being honest right? And you are not calling her names or attacking her as a person, you are just saying stop. freaking. doing it. You are asking what I do - I do pretty much what you have said you do, and I feel pretty good about it. I have a theory that children look for the 'edge,' like how are our parents in their real, raw emotions, not sugar coated with text out of Coloroso's latest book and a grimace covered over with a singsong voice, yk? I would probably keep it pretty real with Maya, that is assuming we've already been through the patient explanations on why namecalling is not cool because she genuinely does not know. I think it's not cool when parents call their children 'bad' or xyz other character assassinations, and I see that pretty frequently, like making the behaviour about *them* as a person, insulting their person in the parental response. But genuine anger, 'I'm freaking frustrated stop freaking doing that it's not cool' type response, I think that is perfectly alright, myself.

    The other thing is, what is going on to cause her to feel so angry and can that be corrected? Like if the little one is intruding on her space, doing things that are not cool, I would do whatever I can to correct the underlying issue, yk? But if it's something that is not fixable, that she has to learn to deal with because it's just part of living with other people, yeah I'd do what you are doing now.

    Of course... if that is not working... hmm. Ya got me. I'm definitely *not* very good at this stuff, almost ripped out my hair when Maya was 3.5 and wouldn't stop harassing my cats. I'll think on it tho.

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    Must be something in the air today, cause I've spent the better part of the day hating myself for my parenting, and pretty much wanting to hide under a rock because I disliked them so much today.
    The poster formerly known as Geomamma

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    I agree - I think I just need to not let it get to me so much. I don't mind being firm with her, I just don't like that I am expressing it as anger. Getting at the underlying cause is a good suggestion - too often lately I am going off at her about the namecalling, forgetting how annoying a little sister can sometimes be.

    Here I am talking to her about how she needs to find different ways to express her anger instead of attacking her sister and then I go off and yell at her for it. Not cool! Deep breaths.....ahhh.

    She is such an amazing kid and actually very easy to parent - and I think this is sometimes why I feel bad being hard on her. Really - she listens to me most of the time and I want to make sure that I am being as respectful of her as she is of me (or at least pretty darn close). I don't feel that I have been that way lately. Probably because she has called her sister a ' silly pickyninny' (whatever that is 20 times a day.

    I appreciate all the suggestions given, even if I don't use them. I am open to more so keep it coming and I don't need to be placated into feeling ok about my parenting. I am open to being challenged on it.

    Quote Originally Posted by myrrah View Post
    Meh, you know I dont think it's wrong to not always be sunshine and roses. You're being honest right? And you are not calling her names or attacking her as a person, you are just saying stop. freaking. doing it. You are asking what I do - I do pretty much what you have said you do, and I feel pretty good about it. I have a theory that children look for the 'edge,' like how are our parents in their real, raw emotions, not sugar coated with text out of Coloroso's latest book and a grimace covered over with a singsong voice, yk? I would probably keep it pretty real with Maya, that is assuming we've already been through the patient explanations on why namecalling is not cool because she genuinely does not know. I think it's not cool when parents call their children 'bad' or xyz other character assassinations, and I see that pretty frequently, like making the behaviour about *them* as a person, insulting their person in the parental response. But genuine anger, 'I'm freaking frustrated stop freaking doing that it's not cool' type response, I think that is perfectly alright, myself.

    The other thing is, what is going on to cause her to feel so angry and can that be corrected? Like if the little one is intruding on her space, doing things that are not cool, I would do whatever I can to correct the underlying issue, yk? But if it's something that is not fixable, that she has to learn to deal with because it's just part of living with other people, yeah I'd do what you are doing now.

    Of course... if that is not working... hmm. Ya got me. I'm definitely *not* very good at this stuff, almost ripped out my hair when Maya was 3.5 and wouldn't stop harassing my cats. I'll think on it tho.
    Mom of 2 girls, unschooler, feminist, runner and just general lover of life.

    Need a doula or prenatal classes? www.babeezeinarms.com

    "Me thinks that the moment my legs began to move, my thoughts began to flow."
    - Henry David Thoreau

    "
    Children are not our own art products to be turned out well, but their own life work in continual process.” -Jan Fortune Wood"

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    Quote Originally Posted by Geomamma View Post
    Must be something in the air today, cause I've spent the better part of the day hating myself for my parenting, and pretty much wanting to hide under a rock because I disliked them so much today.
    Well if you find a big enough rock for both of us let me know.
    Mom of 2 girls, unschooler, feminist, runner and just general lover of life.

    Need a doula or prenatal classes? www.babeezeinarms.com

    "Me thinks that the moment my legs began to move, my thoughts began to flow."
    - Henry David Thoreau

    "
    Children are not our own art products to be turned out well, but their own life work in continual process.” -Jan Fortune Wood"

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    Sorry to hijack...I felt the same though. I kept thinking "This yelling isn't helping, Bri...not helping" and yet I just couldn't seem to rein it in. I think they're feeding on me feeling miserable with no energy, and they're acting on it - bored, whiny, etc. Today #2 went into my bathroom stealthily and dumped red nail polish all over the floor. Then after I reprimanded her (hollering and a time out on her bed- which I don't know what I was hoping to accomplish as she's TWO AND A HALF), I tried to clean it up...when #1 started hollering about something downstairs and I said "Just a minute!" (still pissed off about the nail polish) and she starts hollering, so I holler back "STOP SHOUTING". And it went on from there...including an argument over dinner, me taking away the opportunity to go fly our kite because it was the one thing they valued and they were kicking each other (meanwhile I'm thinking "Who am I punishing by doing this?!), #2 bolting to the middle of the street because #1 stole all her toys out of her hands and she got mad...I drove to swimming lessons in tears and uttering "Do not say a word, Mommy cannot handle anything else right now"...I must have looked a wreck. Crazy pregnant hormones or something.

    GAAAH. It's ridiculous!!!

    Carry on. I'm with you...when you find the recipe, please share. I'm trying to find the underlying cause and I just don't know what it is with my daughter. Well, I do, but it's not something that one remedy will fix, so we just keep going...
    The poster formerly known as Geomamma

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tan2manykids View Post
    here we use one word. " consequence" If I say that word the kids have one shot to fix whatever they are doing wrong. If I say consequence too many times in a day they lose something. Computer,telephone,tv,outside, Its been working pretty well with some of my kids , other not so much. I also always make them apologize to the other persons face.
    I like your idea Tanya, and you do have a houseful with 5 LO's to organize language with. My teen didn't really have any siblings in her youth to call names but I do have 2 LO's that are up and coming and I've already started the count out with them to losing a toy. They seem to very well understand the number ONE!!! I know the offense is bound to be repeated within a minute or so but my will has to be stronger than theirs or I won't survive the redirection. I need to make it clear that what is not acceptable this minute is not going to be permitted 5 minutes from now, 30 mins, and not even tomorrow. Am I going to perfect at this, yeah right!

    I like this thread as we're moving into the "indoor" season and LO's are bound to be more difficult to keep playing nicely.

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