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Thread: so lost confused sad and mad

  1. #1
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    Default so lost confused sad and mad

    so had the adoption conversation with dh, he said absolutely not he will not raise anyone else's kid. Looks like i don't have a say in this one...and he hardly wants to do fertility treatment, wont do ivf, maybe iui, we got in an argument...he said its not my fault we cant have kids ( he tested out ok, me too...its just unexplained) isaid but it is your fault bc you won' t consider adoption, this made him super mad and he said maybe i should leave you and find someone who can give me kids. this is when i turned around and walked away from him...so tired of this whole fertility battle, plays with emotions up and down... 24 months we have been trying, i cant handle the disappointment anymore. And now he has officially dashed my hopes of ever having a family with the no adoption thing. Today i saw a pregnant lady in the grocery store and almost started balling...its too hard to be around any body thats pregnant...i just feel so unlucky and alone. its just not fair, some ppl get pregnant not even trying, some people have abortions ( my sister did) some people have more supportive partners. I just dont know what to do anymore, i feel almost like why bother trying anymore?

    it makes me said i have disappointed so many people. We were at a family dinner and i told my parents that my husbands nieice was pregnant (shes not even 25 yet) and how her mom was going to be a grandma very young...and my dad said no one is making me a grandpa... i almost balled right there in a restaurant on mothers day (which of course makes it worse...knowing i will never be able to celebrate that as a mom) it hurts to think that i will likely never give my parents grand kids... i think my mom suspects we are trying, but is not pushy and doesnt ask...i wanted to tell them we have been trying for 2 years...but i didnt.

    dh and i are not speaking now, i dont know whether to ignore him or act normal like i dont care and hope that he agrees to the fertility treatment at least.

    I am beyond frustrated anymore, i dont even want to go on my facebook bc i will see babies, baby bumps and baby announcements...it just hurts too much, and i dont really have anyone to share my feelings with...i have one friend whos 41 and conceived with ivf...she is about 3 months along and doesnt have time to talk to me anymore like she did before she was pregnant. We used to talk alot about our fertility battles, now i feel i am alone.

    Just don't know what to do, think or feel anymore, how do you get over something like this when its all you want in the world to have a family? why does it have to be so hard. tired, fed up, sad, i feel like i have lost my shinning light at the end of the tunnel and that there is nothing left. what do i have to look forward to?

  2. #2
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    I'm so sorry that your DH isn't supporting the idea of adoption. I hear that it's been a very emotional journey for you and my heart goes out to you. Vent all you need to *hugs*

    Hailey - April 2008
    Scarlett - April 2012
    Troy - July 2014
    *Currently enrolled in the Perinatal Support Practitioner program through Babies Naturally and looking to attend births as a student doula. Please message me for details!*

  3. #3
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    I'm sorry you're going through this I remember those struggles very clearly. It took us years to conceive each time. If yours is unexplained, does that mean they have not said it's impossible, it's just they can't say why you haven't conceived yet?

    I am sorry you didn't discuss this stuff prior to marriage. It would be an absolute dealbreaker for me if a potential partner viewed adoption as your dh does. If you want
    kids badly, maybe you need to ask yourself if you want kids more, or this marriage more?
    You can have kids alone - adoption, most likely, or surrogate, or whatever else. It isn't unheard of or that uncommon now a days. It could be done.
    But you can't force or coerce or guilt someone into stuff, be it fertility methods or adoption....not morally anyway, right. And that's no atmosphere to raise a kid in.

    As for your relatives, they're being so rude!
    I would tell someone in the family who you trust - your mom maybe? Let her know that youv'e been trying, it is very emotionally charged and upsetting, and can she
    spread the word amongst the important relatives that it's a sensitive topic so not to bring it up intentionally. Why not save yourself a few pangs of heartache?

    But please, please do not feel guilty if you dno't give them a grandchild!!! Giving someone a grandchild is NO reason to bring a child into the world. Wanting a child to love, nurture, raise to adulthood -- but not just to appease a parent. I don't think that's YOUR motivator, but don't feel guilty if you can't or don't want kids, please. It is YOUR life. The fact they gave you life, does not mean you owe them anything, other than respect, if they've earned it, and perhaps some help in old age. Other than that, it's your life.

    As for the fight, I wouldn't leave it be. I don't believe in letting stuff fester. I mean, wait til you both cool off, sure. But what good possibly could come from not discussing it further?
    Firstly, honestly, if my husband said something as jerkfaced as yours did about how he should find someone else who can give him a kid, I'd think to myself, this guy does not deserve me. That is disrespectful, and even more so, it is CRUEL.
    Secondly, just dismissing adoption without discussing why? I'd address that.

    I hope that this is a one off thing and he doesn't treat you like that normally. If he does, and you leave, and need help, know that the women here can be a great resource of advice and support.
    DD1 age 7 DS age 11
    "I will remember you." July/10
    Baby Elaina born October 28th, 2011. Making every single day that much more special.
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    Maybe your husband needs some "baby making time off". It sounds like you are stressed to the max, and he could be to. Have you spoken to your family doctor about your frustrations and sadness? Maybe you should take some time to be good to yourself. Treat yourself kindly. Best of luck to you.

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    I am sorry you are going through that. It took my parents 5 years to get pregnant, with actively trying for the last 3 years. They were 29. The great thing about it was they had 2 incomes and paid off their entire house before I was born so my mom could stay home for 7 years after.
    My aunt took 2-3 years and was in the middle of testing for what was causing it and got pregnant (got pregnant immediately with the next 2 while on birth control).
    I was with my ex-fiance almost 5 years and we stopped using protection after a year, and were not trying to get pregnant, but when I looked back I realized we were not doing anything to prevent it.

    What about registering for foster children? Maybe saying you want young children or infants? This way you can have time raising and helping children ad may help ease your feelings a bit and your DH may develop feelings for someone else's child and could end up willing to adopt in the future.

    Ingalls mentions ways you could have children alone. Since they said there is nothing wrong with you, perhaps artificial insemination would be an option before trying anything else (if you end up single sometime in the future).
    Last edited by melissawilliam; 05-24-2015 at 08:08 AM.

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    huge hugs to you ..... such an emotional and frustrating situation and I don't have any great wisdom other than to remind you that you're perfect because of being you and to not ignore what your heart wants or is telling you. This sounds like such a part of what you want and who you are that I agree the discussion just can't be ignored - this is just one part of the journey - it doesn't need to be the only part.

    more hugs - hope today is less emotional for you

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    thank-you to everyone who replied. Today was not much better, dh and i didnt speak to eachother for most of the day until dinner. I figured theres no way hes going to go for treatment if i am *****y to him all the time. I'll let it cool down a bit more and then book the appointment.

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    From this thread it seems like your husband doesn't treat you very well. When you have a baby there are a lot of new stresses that come along. Lack of sleep, uncertainty, lack of intimacy, parenting differences.... It is worth it but does add a new dimension to it all. I hope that this is unusual behavior for him and not just the beginning. I couldn't imagine my husband treating me like that especially through the emotional roller coaster of new parenthood.
    /wasn't me/ likes this.

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    Have you considered counseling? It sounds like you guys are just creating more walls with how you're communicating and you're both really starting to resent each other. *hugs* to you.

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    Hugs. Infertility is extremely difficult. It affects every aspect of your life, and has a huge affect on your marriage. Just because you guys had a fight, and mean things were said doesn't mean your husband is a bad person or that he doesn't want to proceed with fertulity treatments. He may not want to do adoption, and that's something that he may not change his mind on but I wouldn't make any decisions on life in general at this time. With both of you so stressed i would suggest you take a break, a full no thinking about baby making break. Do it for a month or two, live as if you are newly married and aren't thinking about kids. Reconnect. In that time make an appt to a fertility clinic if that's what you both agree on, don't make decisions on iui or ivf or whatnot until the time comes. One day at a time. The emotional hardship of extended infertility is not something that anyone can understand unless you go thru it. myself and my husband had epic fights, we had horrible words exchanged. It was not a normal for us, but we learned from our experiences and built a stronger marriage. If you can survive infertility your marriage can survive anything.
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    Also wanted to add that if you learn to communicate effectively now, when you do have kids (and you will! I know it!!) it will be smooth sailing. You won't have those issues that arise with a new baby because you will be able to work thru it. Don't think of this as a setback as much as a learning experience.

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    We have one child, DD, who is 5 1/2. I always wanted at least 2 kids but circumstances made additional biological children impossible. I wanted to adopt but DH initially said he was fine with the one child, he didn't want to adopt, etc. I felt angry, upset and stuck with his response but in time he changed his mind. Part of his reason for saying no was that he was concerned that he couldn't love another person's child in the same way as he loved our biological daughter. However, he started talking to other people, met some other dads who have adopted, etc and in time worked through it in his own way and changed his mind. Your DH knows how you feel right now, maybe give him some time to process things. *hugs*
    Last edited by Findabhair; 05-25-2015 at 01:32 PM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by faith View Post
    so had the adoption conversation with dh, he said absolutely not he will not raise anyone else's kid. Looks like i don't have a say in this one...and he hardly wants to do fertility treatment, wont do ivf, maybe iui, we got in an argument...he said its not my fault we cant have kids ( he tested out ok, me too...its just unexplained) isaid but it is your fault bc you won' t consider adoption, this made him super mad and he said maybe i should leave you and find someone who can give me kids.
    I don't know either of you, but this to me is a red flag, but not how you probably think. To me this sounds like a man who wants children as badly as you do, and is as "lost, confused, sad, and mad" as you said you are, and is having difficultly processing through the infertility challenges you guys are having. To me this sounds like a guy that desperately wants biological children as much as you do, and the stress of that is taking its toll on him, and causing him to lash out in some ways and shut down in others. It sounds like he hasn't given up on having biological children yet, and so isn't ready to consider other options.

    I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I can only imagine how difficult and heart breaking it must be for both of you. Although it looks like you're both fighting with each other on the surface, it's possible that you're really very much on the same page and just dealing with heartbreak differently. To me it sounds like deep down you do want the same things.... you just aren't on the same approach path yet.

    I like the suggestion of giving it a bit of time off, and focus on being kind to each other.
    ChinUp and LaLa like this.

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    you are right, i will have kids... i am 4 weeks tomorrow! just found out yesterday...still shocked!!

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    Quote Originally Posted by faith View Post
    you are right, i will have kids... i am 4 weeks tomorrow! just found out yesterday...still shocked!!
    Awesome news! Congratulations!!!

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