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Thread: Disagreement with DH

  1. #1
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    Default Disagreement with DH

    My husband and I were having a conversation the other day that I had brought up. I had mentioned that I would like to try attending a different church service as I am not catholic and find myself not really benefiting from the services. I told him I wanted to find something a little more interesting. Like a community church, just basic Christianity.

    I explained to him that it would be nice to go to a service with someone who is more of a motivational speaker that incorporates god and the bible into their service rather than just reading scripture and singing hymns and such. Basically, early in our relationship I agreed to get married in a Catholic Church and allow the children to attend the Catholic school and go to catholic services for the holidays and occasionally just regular Sundays. He did know that I had no desire to become catholic at any point.

    After I spoke to him about how I felt, he was shocked and appalled and offended. I believe he just thought someday I would change my mind and become catholic but over the years I e reminded him that I will not be nor ever will be converting. I suggested I attend a church service on my own somewhere else and he was mortified.

    Am I being completely unreasonable in wanting to explore my own religion? Should I just accept that I am in a catholic family and just go along with it? I feel a little shocked at how hurt he seemed to be over the whole thing. I mean, we barely attend church as it is. I didn't think exploring my options was going to be the end of the world.
    Last edited by xojessica; 04-21-2015 at 05:49 PM.
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    your not being unreasonable at all. I think he is being unreasonable by being offened that you would want to when he should be enocuragng you to do so.

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    I also don't think that's unreasonable. I'm Catholic, DH is not. He was raised Lutheran. He agreed to get married in a Catholic church and raise our kids Catholic. I never asked him to convert or even come to church with me (although I can't take all 3 kids with me if he doesn't come so he either stays at home with 1 or 2 of them or he comes and helps keep them reigned in while we're there). People have asked me and him (including his own mom) why he doesn't just become Catholic. He doesn't want to and I don't want him to. I don't want him to resent the fact that I would expect it or want it. I respect the way he was raised and his beliefs. If he wanted to go to Lutheran church or any other kind of church I would respect that. Our kids have gone to his church for special occaisions (and I have as well) and I have no issue with it. I am more spiritual in some ways than religious so I am just glad that we're modeling the behaviour and beliefs that we hope our kids will want for themselves. I would just talk to him about it and explain that it's nothing disrespectful toward him or the church, but you feel that you need to find a place where you are most at peace and get the most out of the experience.
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    I've run into similar issues with my parents, particularly my mom. I was raised Lutheran and when DH and I met he was attending a non-denominational Christian church (North Park). My parents expected him to convert but instead "I" converted. I ended up becoming a member of our church last year actually but I've been attending with DH since 2006. I didn't tell my parents that I became a member because they still seem to hold hope that some day we'll "see the light" so to speak. I think the biggest thing that gets my parents worked up is sacraments - ie. baptism - ours is adult rather than baby, Confirmation - we don't have it and the fact that our communion (eucharist) is "open" rather than "closed" but I think Catholic communion may be less rigid than Lutheran anyway. With a non-denominational church you don't have to give up your membership elsewhere to join and our church did not force me to be baptized as an adult to convert or anything. You could technically still claim to be Catholic and attend a non-denom church as it's not a specific denomination. As you don't regularly attend church anyway I don't see it really being an issue personally. I don't think there's any harm in checking it out. Good luck with your decision.

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    Not at all.
    I could see it being a hard thing to accept if it turned out you didn't believe in God now, after years of believing (only because I know that if my dh started to
    believe after years of us not, it'd be a really weird, awkward thing for me). But to care if you're attending a different, Christian based church?! Nope, not at all.
    Maybe he's just scared of how it will look, like will his church people think you guys split up, or that the kids will want to go with you to yours? Hopefully he thought
    more of you than to think you'd just randomly convert because that's how he is
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    I think its great you want to explore other options. If its not working for you then what's the point? I felt the same way in the church I grew up in. It was very old school. Then I found Forest City Community Church and my life was changed. Its amazing, my kids love it and its very relevant..
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    I know lots of people who send their kids to Catholic school (as they were raised Catholic) and attend community based Christian churches, like North Park or Forest City. And I do know one family who is not registering their children to complete the sacraments with the Catholic church.

    I think you need to find something that speaks to you. You can't keep going somewhere and feel resentful. I also agree that your DH is being unfair to your feelings.
    Last edited by Pomegranate; 04-22-2015 at 10:37 AM.
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    Well.. thank you all for the responses. I feel a lot less bad now. LOL.

    I now remember why LM was such a great support system here. Anyhow, I think I am going to show DH the link to the Forest City Community Church and explain why I feel I would get more from that, and why the kids may get more for than than attending only our Catholic parish. I hope he will be a little more understanding if I approach it this way. But.. who knows. It's worth a shot!

    I don't want to make DH out to sound like a mean domineering man in the slightest. I think he kind of came across as a bit of a monster in my post. He just believes strongly in his faith and I've never really questioned it until just recently. I do so much appreciate the feedback and I will continue to work on this with him. I'm sure I can get him to work with me on this... eventually.
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    That didn't seem to go quite so well. DH is working from home today and as I finished writing this he came upstairs. I gently reapproached the subject and he rolled his eyes. Immediately dismissing FCCC because it's "way the hell out there" (maybe a 5-7 minute drive). He suggested Church on the Oaks so I looked at the site but it's not really chalked full of info and I haven't heard from anyone that goes there.

    I explained why why I wanted to go to FCCC and asked if maybe he would come with me and he said no. I got a little teary and chocked up and he could tell. But I just had to walk out of the room. I just kept thinking "how many catholic services have I attended in the time I've known him and he can't do this for me once?" I'm seriously at a loss for words.

    I would still like to go though but I don't drive. Hopefully he will at least drop me off and pick me up this Sunday. If not i will just ride my bike to church on the oaks or something. My oldest might want to come as well. Le sigh.
    Last edited by xojessica; 04-22-2015 at 10:26 AM. Reason: iPhone autocorrect was incorrect in a few places.
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    You can listen to the weekly messages from FCCC on their website. They podcast them. Would he at least listen to one? Maybe if he heard a message before hand it might get him in the door?

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    I will try that. But I think his mind is set and if I push it much more it will just lead to yelling and tears.
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    You are not being unreasonable at all IMO. It is he who is being that way, as far as I am concerned. At no point in your relationship did you tell him you were willing to convert to Catholicism, right? He knew that from the get go. You did agree to marry in a Catholic church & raise your kids in the Catholic faith by allowing them to attend church services in the RC church once in a while, as well as attend a Catholic school. I do not think it is a good idea to just go along with his way of doing things just to appease him. My mom for instance was Anglican before she married my dad, who was raised in a very strict Catholic home & attended church regularly, as well as a RC school, etc. To this day, my mother wonders why she bothered converting at all, as the priest who taught the marriage course had the nerve to say 'to all you non believers out there' during a course, meaning anyone not Catholic. My mom was rather offended & voiced her opinion & because of that, had that particular priest refuse to marry my parents. They had to get another priest to agree to it (the entire service was done in Latin & went on for over an hour lol). She had no say in any of it. Anyhow, she never did fully get into the whole 'being Catholic' thing & as a result, the only time I attended church growing up was with my grandmother on my dad's side & sometimes just with my father. When DH & I got married, we went to see a priest & he did not like the fact we were living together before marriage (even though I moved to London due to the commute being too long for my job at the time, which I needed to be to work for 6am for). He said we should be living like brother & sister & that comment was enough for DH & I to look for a church that was more welcoming & accepting, we chose to get married in the United church in the end, mainly because we wanted to be married in a church & the United church was still christian-based, etc. I think you have to do what feels right to YOU not what feels right & acceptable to everyone else & if they do not like it, too bad!
    As far as Church in the Oaks goes, I live right around the corner from it. There have been times I have considered attending a service but have not done so yet. Anyone I know who has gone to that church, has nothing but positive things to say about it. If I were you, I would attend a service there alone (or with a friend perhaps) sometime & see what you think of it & go from there. Spouses in this day & age especially do not have to agree on the same religion IMO. You are both Christian & each of you have your own set of beliefs within Christianity & that is ok.
    Last edited by 2boysmom; 04-23-2015 at 01:20 PM.

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    I am Catholic and my husband is not. He never goes to church with us except when the kids were baptised. And that's okay because he has his own faith journey. If he wanted to go to a different service or not come to any service I would be fine with that. But it is extremely important for me to be at my church every Sunday. So if my husband wanted us to check out a different church, I would consider going with him but I would need to attend my own church on a Saturday evening or early morning Mass instead. It would also be very hard for me if my husband wanted the kids to attend a different church instead of mine though because we agreed I could raise them Catholic. I understand that you have a different faith journey of your own to lead and of course you need to be true to yourself. I feel like too if you're not going to any church on a certain Sunday he would think it was a good thing that the kids were having the chance to go to Sunday school. I've attended services, bible studies and events at non Catholic churches in the past and I feel it only enriches my faith journey because we have lots to learn from each other. But I really do need to be at my own church for Mass weekly.
    Last edited by jenelen; 04-25-2015 at 10:54 AM.

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