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Thread: Vasectomy regrets?

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    Default Vasectomy regrets?

    I wasn't sure where to post this, but I feel like it's a pretty deep discussion in our house right now. DH had a consult for a vas. about a month ago. I wasn't hugely excited about the fact that he was ready to schedule it but the date it was set for was tomorrow. I have been really sad pretty much all week. I thought I was hiding it ok until the past day or so when it's changed into more ragey/angry than sad. I'm trying not to take it out on DH but he says I am. (He said he would cancel it and I told him not to if he's decided. I don't want him to be resentful if he actually wants to be 100% done. If he cancels before the appointment he has to pay $100 b/c it's less than 24 hrs notice. He was also annoyed about this fact but I told him don't worry about it, just go.)
    I'm 32, he's 36. We have 3 kids. Both of us are finally done school and we'll be a dual income household again soon. I'm still on mat leave and probably still hormonal (DS is 9 months and I'm still bf'ing). I actually kind of felt the "done" feeling in the hospital as soon as a held DS and didn't have that with the girls. I guess I just feel like this is so final and I can't believe that this stage of our lives will be done. DH and I have discussed fostering and/or adopting down the road but I feel like that's such a hard concept to grasp right now. I don't know if we would actually pursue it. Anyway, I have asked close friends who have been through the same situation if they had similar feelings and most have. I wish I were one of those people who are 100% decided with no doubts but I'm not. I know this is really rambly, but thanks for reading. Not even sure what to expect from writing this, but it's good to get out. Thanks ladies.

    Hailey - April 2008
    Scarlett - April 2012
    Troy - July 2014
    *Currently enrolled in the Perinatal Support Practitioner program through Babies Naturally and looking to attend births as a student doula. Please message me for details!*

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    Here, I got a tubal with my last csection, and dh has not had a vasectomy yet. I sometimes get sulky about the fact that I got the tubal -- I know the main reason I did
    it was to appease him. Not for some selfish reason, mind you: He was worried because I have to have my babies via surgery, and if something ever went wrong, he
    didn't want to be raising these kids alone, it didn't seem right to keep taking the risk of surgery again and again, y'know? And also, financially, he was concerned if we
    didn't take some kidn of measure, I'd just want to keep on having kids forever (he's pretty much right).
    So I don't think he was wrong in wanting me to get it done, but I do sometimes sulk about it.
    Part of me doesn't want HIM to get snipped because I know from my own mother's experiences, that sometiems tubals fail, and babies are born! Where as if HE is
    done AND I'm done, then there's very, very little chance of a fluke happening

    I guess my point is, I relate. I don't really feel 'done'.
    The only things that keep me sane in that department are the thought that one day we might be able to pursue adoption - we tried in the past but with his job as it is,
    there was just no way he could attend the classes and make the meetings. But someday, perhaps he'll have a more regular schedule.
    The other thing is, a couple years ago he was hospitalized, and had emergency surgery, and then was put back in a day after coming home, and in for a few more
    weeks, etc. It made me really stop and realise that our time together could end any time. We never had 'just us' time. We lived apart until ds was a toddler, basically.
    We were a family, but a family with different area codes, due to his job. So we didn't have a lot of dates, or any weekends away, or any of that because we went straight from being two single people working full time in different cities, to being two people in acouple who have a baby. I kind of want to have some time just us.

    THEN, the last thing that helps, is how damn fast kids grow up. I'm gonna have grandbabies someday. My oldest is twelve in a few months. He only has two more years until high school! It's quite possible I could have a grandbaby w/in ten years.
    I can wait.

    I'm sorry you're struggling with the feelings. I think it's normal, natural, and sad all the same.
    Would it be possible to freeze some of his sperm before he gets the snip, just in case? Or could you wrap your head around adoption as a possbility in future, if
    you feel you just aren't done yet?
    DD1 age 7 DS age 11
    "I will remember you." July/10
    Baby Elaina born October 28th, 2011. Making every single day that much more special.
    INTERESTED IN BUYING DVDS OF OLD KIDS' SHOWS. Mr.Rogers', Mr.Dressup, Polka Dot Door, etc

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    My husband got "fixed" in February. I was 100% ready for it, however, on the day, I felt a little sad. Not sad enough to stop him though. Once it was done, that was it. I am very happy he got it done. We only have one child and I just turned 37.

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    I think those are normal feelings. I am 1 million percent done yet there are days where I can get sad about it. I think that's normal and healthy. We are meant to bear kids and raise them and keep in having more, it's an evolution thing to keep having more and more, but on that note it doesn't mean we need to have more. I am happy with the size of my family, the fact we can afford to do fun things ect ect. When I get sad I just think of all the negatives of a new baby, and sometimes I even go over to a friend's who has a baby and hold her child. Then I know I'm really done

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    Absolutely normal feelings. It's an end - and all endings are sad.

    When my DH had his snip, I wasn't really ready, but I was also told not to carry any more babies or I could end up needing new kidneys, so......
    I'm glad he got it done though - I love the size of our family, I love that my youngest is now almost 12 and we can do so much more as a couple and family without worrying about sitters... the only thing I wish for is a girl, but I've got 2 beautiful nieces to spoil with girly stuff, so I satisfy myself with them.

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    I think it is likely normal to feel a little anxious and sad. Try not to think of it as an ending so much as a settling in and watching the kids you have created grow and develop into wonderful people.

    Your family is maturing and in all honesty it's fabulous! In my opinion anyway. It is like a whole new world of possibilities open up as your kids age. They can have in-depth conversations, you can go altogether for a bike ride, and my favourite, your hands are free sometimes. lol I swear for at least 8 years my hands held babies, diaper bags, toys etc. unless I was sleeping. I know your youngest is still a babe in arms, but I can tell this other side of parenting is something to look forward to.
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    Well we were wavering and he was considering cancelling it, but it's done. I feel a bit better about it. I think the anxiety thinking about it all week was really the worst. I love watching all the stages our kids are at and DD1 is really maturing into a wonderful young lady. I can see glimpses of what life will be like when they are older and it makes me excited. I realize that I need to make the most of these moments b/c it goes by so fast.
    AuntPetunia, Carol and tinydancer like this.

    Hailey - April 2008
    Scarlett - April 2012
    Troy - July 2014
    *Currently enrolled in the Perinatal Support Practitioner program through Babies Naturally and looking to attend births as a student doula. Please message me for details!*

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    I felt the same way you did. I was sure before DS was born that we were done, I was sure after he was born that we were done. DH said it was completely up to me. I finally sent him for the appt and panicked. I really wavered a lot. But, I've had no regrets. And once I even had a scare and wondered if the effing thing had even worked and that pretty much reinforced for me that I am DONE, LOL! The idea of another is great, the reality of another was terrifying and depressing. The longer it's been, the older DS gets, the more I definitely don't want another.

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    It’s really great posts.

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    this is a great thread! I have had the same feelings, we were sure we were done when we got pregnant with a "surprise". And still we've been putting off DH getting a vasectomy, mainly because I usually make the appointments around here and everytime I pick up the phone I feel the whole finality of it. No more new babies?

    But all the posters really nailed it, just because it's an ending and a little sad, doesn't mean it's a bad decision!!
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    Every time I hear a screaming baby I am so glad we are done.

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    Grace has stopped sleeping recently, and confirmed for me that I was absolutely completely done, and that if I had to deal with a newborn at this point, I would shoot myself in the face.

    Sounds harsh, but man, 2 years of babies was enough to deter me from sex for the rest of my life.
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    I felt EXACTLY the same as you did when it came to DH's vasectomy. The day of, I was very emotional, spent all morning balling, wishing he wasn't scheduled to go, begged him not to go, etc. He said if it came to having to pay the $100 to pay for a missed/cancelled appointment, so be it at that point in time. He was willing to pay it if I felt that strongly over him going. He would have not gone if I had been firm about the fact but it was me in the end who insisted he go ahead with it.Our oldest DS was just shy of 3 at the time & our youngest DS was just 3 months old at the time. However, I was 33 & DH was 37 & we both knew in our hearts we were done having children. We had decided years prior 2 children was our limit, even if we had 2 of the same sex (which we did). I think also, there was that feeling in my head & a bit of sadness over the fact we were never going to have a girl.

    I was supposed to drive my DH to his vasectomy appointment & wait for him with the 2 boys while he went in. I couldn't even do that, as I was such an emotional wreck that day. He had to call his mom at the very last minute to take him to the appointment & drive him back home afterwards.

    I felt really sad for about 1 month after he had his Vasectomy but then was fine afterwards. I simply needed that time to grieve the loss of a child we were never going to have & the fact it was final, no more kids! We both came to a mutual agreement that if I/we still longed for a 3rd child a year from then, we could always adopt. We never did do that & are quite content with our 2 boys.

    Having a Vasectomy or having Tubes tied in women can be an extremely difficult & emotional thing for many people, so please know you weren't alone in feeling the way you do about it. I think there are many people out there who feel very similarly.
    Last edited by 2boysmom; 04-13-2015 at 08:43 AM.
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    Thank you all. DH and I had a really good talk last night about how I was feeling about everything now that the emotions have subsided a bit. I think I felt he was just too relaxed about it, but he was also sad about it being so final. Our problem is that we are both pretty bad about dealing with emotions so instead of expressing it we just get pissed off and clam up. It was a good reminder that even though we're constantly busy with the kids we still need time to ourselves, especially when it comes to deciding on life changing events! lol
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    Hailey - April 2008
    Scarlett - April 2012
    Troy - July 2014
    *Currently enrolled in the Perinatal Support Practitioner program through Babies Naturally and looking to attend births as a student doula. Please message me for details!*

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    It’s really great posts.

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