Results 1 to 14 of 14
Like Tree24Likes
  • 1 Post By LondonerMom
  • 1 Post By TTCMomma
  • 2 Post By Carol
  • 1 Post By IsisBaily
  • 1 Post By All_naturalmom
  • 12 Post By Carol
  • 1 Post By jennerama
  • 1 Post By doda94
  • 1 Post By newmom29
  • 1 Post By sardam
  • 2 Post By MassageMom

Thread: Going through labour after making a heartbreaking choice....

  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Location
    London Ontario
    Posts
    109
    Rep Power
    27

    Default Going through labour after making a heartbreaking choice....

    I am taking a chance by sharing at least part of my story here and would really appreciate only support and no criticism.
    It has almost been a year since my husband and I received some very bad news about our 20 week pregnancy. Our little girl was very very sick. I choose at that time to go into labour to say goodbye to our little girl so she could be held in our arms and loved and we said goodbye. I am now 7 months pregnant with another girl and this time she is very healthy. I am very happy but scarred of going through labour again. I do not know anyone who went through a heart breaking labour and then a happy one after, if there is anyone out there who wants to share their experience with me so I can know what to expect please write here or private message me.
    Thank you in advanced.

  2. #2
    Junior Member
    LondonerMom's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Posts
    860
    Rep Power
    129

    Default

    I don't have any advice for you, other than to say it sounds like you went through an incredibly painful experience with the loss of your daughter. I am glad this pregnancy is going well, and I'm sure once you are in L&D, things will be about your current baby and you'll be strong enough to get through it. Adrenaline is helpful in that way.
    MassageMom likes this.

  3. #3
    Junior Member
    TTCMomma's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Sarnia, ON
    Posts
    902
    Rep Power
    69

    Default

    See if you can be appointed a social worker. I know someone who went through a similar experience, however, the first was a loss and she had to go through labor and say goodbye, she found the social worker was still a great help when she did get pregnant again.
    MassageMom likes this.




    DOULA IN Training with toLabor, with Mother Essence Birth Services in Sarnia!

  4. #4
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!

    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    bet ya can't guess!
    Posts
    11,949
    Rep Power
    668

    Default

    I did MassageMom. I'll write a pm to you later today as I'm in a rush, but know your not the only one and it will be ok.
    simpsongirl and MassageMom like this.
    Cole is 8 years old! January, 2005
    Nate is 5 years old! January, 2008
    Judah is 2 years old! October, 2010
    Avery Grace born & passed Feb 4, 2007.

    "Why did I not know that birth is the pinnacle where women discover the courage to become mothers?"
    Anita Diamant (The Red Tent)

  5. #5
    Expert Forum User

    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    7,850
    Rep Power
    692

    Default

    I know of someone who also made that decision and it's very difficult for sure.
    My heart goes out to you, just remember that you made a choice that you felt was best and that this baby is a new baby and so labour will be a new experience.


    For me personally, labour felt a little scary too after my 2nd born was placed for adoption. I knew that this time, my baby would come home with me, and this time, I'd hold her and have the opportunity to be her Mother but it was still bitter sweet with some 'what ifs' fears. I can relate, but I don't know exactly what it's like in a situation like you've faced.

    Lots of hugs!
    MassageMom likes this.


  6. #6
    Senior Member
    All_naturalmom's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    at my computer
    Posts
    2,231
    Rep Power
    157

    Default

    I have no personal experience with this. I just wanted to send hugs, and encouragement, you can have a good birth after a bad experience.

    I wonder if the birthing from within book would help? Birthing From Within

    If you've never heard of birth without fear, and need some positive birth stories to focus on, I highly recommend it. this blog has every kind of birth story.

    Letting Go of the Fear: A Natural Birth After 4 Losses
    MassageMom likes this.
    Why yes I'm a Doula! (in training) come check out my Facebook for more info!. Or PM me!
    https://www.facebook.com/greatexpectationsdoula

    here is my doulamatch profile: http://doulamatch.net/profile/6878/kate-williamson

  7. #7
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!

    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    bet ya can't guess!
    Posts
    11,949
    Rep Power
    668

    Default

    MM, I can't send a PM because of the black bar is in the middle of the page, so I'll give an answer here. I lost my daughter Avery shortly before my due date. 8 weeks later I was shocked to find out I was pregnant again. It was terrifying and as my pregnancy went on I became increasingly convinced I wasn't going to bring this baby home either. I did everything I could to manage my fear. I had the most detailed birth plan you've ever seen. It wasn't just bordering on crazy, it was completely looped, but my midwife took it in stride. It was all my way of trying to control the uncontrollable, to protect myself and try to come to terms with having to go through one of the worst experiences of my life again...But Nate had other plans. I'm not spiritual, or religious but I like to think his birth was a lesson for me to learn to let go and accept what I can't change.
    The day I went into labour was a terrible day. We had a huge January thaw, temperatures around 10 degrees and a rainstorm. The streets were flooded and something in my car got wet causing it to die. My husband's car's battery died that morning too. What are the odds! So here we were no vehicles and I'm 10 days over due and my last baby was stillborn. Lovely. Luckily my parents only live 5 minutes away. In the morning I borrowed my parents car and had an appointment with my midwife. Until this point, we were meeting routinely to do stretch and sweeps, I was doing frequent stress tests and I was an absolute mess. The longer my pregnancy drew on the more convinced I was my baby was going to die. My midwife thought I was unconsciously holding myself back and I likely was. At this appointment I broke down in the office and we decided to just let go of doing anything, and either labour would happen or I would go ahead with the induction.

    That night, I woke up in labour. Nathaniel was born 20 minutes later at home, in my parent's car in front of my house as we didn't make it to the hospital. My husband, my mom, and my dad delivered him as not even the paramedics had time to get there. All of us who held and said goodbye to my Avery, brought her little brother Nate into the world. It couldn't have been more out of my control(so much for my "plan") and it was perfect. Having Nate gave me back my confidence that I could bring home a living healthy little baby. After Nate, I went on to have a wonderful calm textbook pregnancy with Jude and his birth was a planned home birth and the perfect ending to this part of my life.

    I know right now the thought of giving birth likely feels insurmountable. I know what it feels like to make that awful choice and have the feelings of disbelief, dread, sadness and even joy mixed as you hold your baby for the first and last time. You say goodbye before you barely said hello. And even though logically you know the baby your carrying now is not the same, your heart needs to be protected from it happening again. And maybe that is not such a bad thing.

    I can't tell you this baby is going to come home. I suspect no one who has lost a child will ever say that again to anyone. But I can tell you, it's very likely she will be healthy and when you hear her first cry it will be a defining moment of your life. It gives you back a joy you lost. No more silence, no more death, just a beautiful healthy cry that you will hear in your heart forever and nothing will heal the sadness like that moment. It's a gift that only people like you and I can fully understand (sorry everyone) and there are no words to describe it or at least I've tried and completely failed. I have had others try as well and it all ends up sounding a little crazy unless you've been there. One person close to me who lost a older child says for her it was just the ability to get up and take a shower. To find joy and beauty in the simple mundane tasks of life would move her to tears. I still have moments where I look at my children running, jumping, even fighting and bickering with one another and I think of Avery and feel so blessed and thankful that it's all I can do to not cry. Not always though...sometimes they just drive me crazy. lol But even the most horrible of experiences, has lots of good to gain from it.

    Have a good pregnancy and birth and good luck to you. And please let us know how your doing. I try to always answer posts like yours because I remember how it can feel like your the only one who has gone through a infant loss and how hard it can be to navigate through the loss and subsequent pregnancy. Sometimes I hear how they are doing and sometimes I don't, but I always wonder and hope they are holding a baby close.
    Last edited by Carol; 11-03-2013 at 08:59 AM.
    Cole is 8 years old! January, 2005
    Nate is 5 years old! January, 2008
    Judah is 2 years old! October, 2010
    Avery Grace born & passed Feb 4, 2007.

    "Why did I not know that birth is the pinnacle where women discover the courage to become mothers?"
    Anita Diamant (The Red Tent)

  8. #8
    Junior Member
    jennerama's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    East London
    Posts
    844
    Rep Power
    100

    Default

    Carol, that was a beautifully written letter.
    MassageMom likes this.

  9. #9
    Expert Forum User

    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    3,201
    Rep Power
    287

    Default

    Carol, what a beautiful yet heart-wrenching post. I'm in tears and want to say thank you for being willing to share such a personal part of your life to help someone else.
    MassageMom likes this.

  10. #10
    Senior Member

    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Posts
    2,064
    Rep Power
    147

    Default

    wow carol I am in tears..
    MassageMom likes this.

  11. #11
    Expert Forum User

    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    out here
    Posts
    8,965
    Rep Power
    539

    Default

    Tears here too.
    MassageMom likes this.

  12. #12
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Location
    London Ontario
    Posts
    109
    Rep Power
    27

    Default

    Carol, Thank you so much for sharing your story, especially on an open forum. Every single thing you wrote in your story touched me in a way many would not understand. I remember after losing our baby girl (Riley) we took our then 2.5 year old little girl to a water park. I looked at my husband and said, you know what, it really, truly is a miracle to have a healthy child! I said many of these parents here do no realize it but they are so lucky their kids have no problems, and even though they don't they still do, with bullying, growing up, weight issues, etc. It really really changes your perspective on life. I always thought that the lose of my baby would be the one thing in my life that would change all my worrying; like I would start to be this person who could let stuff roll off my back, I now realize that is just who I am, however saying goodbye so early really made me realize the value of, well everything, good friendships, putting peppermint lotion on my feet lol, having silly fights with my 3 year old.
    Anyway, your story was amazing, trust me when I say it will be with me through these next three months. I am really enjoying being pregnant but we are now 7 days away from the anniversary of our daughters life/death/her first birthday in heaven and a lot of deep seeded feelings are arising so yes I will keep you in my thoughts.
    Although your story of the labour with Nathaniel was hard, I want to say it was beautiful.
    Thank you for being a friend and a support, I too share my story when I can because the fact that you have made me feel even a little not alone, means more than many would know.
    Keep being amazing and I will keep you posted
    xoxo Vicki
    Last edited by MassageMom; 11-03-2013 at 08:36 PM.
    jennerama and Carol like this.

  13. #13
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!

    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    bet ya can't guess!
    Posts
    11,949
    Rep Power
    668

    Default

    Don't be in tears people! It's not difficult for me to share anymore as it's been 6 years and I have done it many times before. I'm in a good place and Avery makes me smile more than makes me sad. And some kind people helped me too in the same way. The sad part is my story and Vicki's story is not uncommon, just not talked about. Late loss is still filled with secrecy and taboo, sadly the people left feeling isolated are the parents who need the support of a community that understands. So I keep talking and encourage others too as well. It's not good dealing with the loss of your baby and trying to make everyone else feel comfortable about it but IME that's what happens.

    Vicki, I've found the days leading up to anniversaries to be worse than the day itself but that may be just me. I hope it passes easily. Some people I have spoken to feel a little less fear afterwards too, so I hope that happens for you.

    edit: I had to laugh at the peppermint lotion on your feet. See, it's sounds crazy doesn't it? LOL But I get it! Although, Your right too, the regular parts of yourself don't change. There's no walking around in a state of gratitude 24/7. Sometimes my boys want to make me climb a tree and not come down until they are 30! But they are healthy, strong, smart, beautiful and it's AMAZING.
    Last edited by Carol; 11-04-2013 at 08:25 AM.
    Cole is 8 years old! January, 2005
    Nate is 5 years old! January, 2008
    Judah is 2 years old! October, 2010
    Avery Grace born & passed Feb 4, 2007.

    "Why did I not know that birth is the pinnacle where women discover the courage to become mothers?"
    Anita Diamant (The Red Tent)

  14. #14
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Location
    London Ontario
    Posts
    109
    Rep Power
    27

    Default

    It's funny how during the time you never think you will smile again or be truly happy again but apart of you becomes.... Humble about the whole thing. If that makes sense, your new normal.
    for me so far about a week before and the day of are rough and the next day I feel empty. I think two days after I will go back to trusting, being aware helps a lot and we have planned a nice day to celebrate her birthday so I think that wil help.
    i agree about the taboo, when I think people can handle it I like to share.

Similar Threads

  1. this is heartbreaking!
    By Ivveyy in forum Chit Chat
    Replies: 13
    Last Post: 10-08-2012, 12:45 PM
  2. Heartbreaking :-(
    By gaga in forum Chit Chat
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 11-09-2011, 10:25 AM
  3. This is heartbreaking
    By lacuna in forum Did you hear about... (current events)
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 01-18-2011, 08:22 PM
  4. Heartbreaking.
    By M2M in forum Deep Discussions (debates and hot topics!)
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 04-18-2009, 04:19 PM
  5. So heartbreaking
    By AuntPetunia in forum Miscarriage & Loss
    Replies: 25
    Last Post: 11-23-2008, 08:17 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •