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Thread: Advice!

  1. #1
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    Default Advice!

    We are having a hard time balencing discipline since we have such a short time with them we want to plan fun weekends and things to do but it is hard to want to do that latly with behaviour issues we end up doing it anyways and no one gets left out when they are bad they just come along and get to join in the fun too..... I am just wondering how all the part time parents out there deal with it? We are going to start a points system to get rewarded for the good but their home life is not happy so I find that DH gives a lot of leway in an attempt to make them happy at our home but it is having bad side effects on behavior. Any advise is appreciated!

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    Well between DF and I... I'm the strict one. If there's trouble to be given, to anyone, it's from me. We both agreed on the rules, I just enforce them because he hates being painted as 'the bad guy' while I don't care because I know they'll eventually look back and realize it had to be done.
    Now we have five between us so on any given day one of the kids may be acting up. We give warnings and then explain consequences. Regardless of how badly it sucks to punish them on their short visits, we follow through. Usually it involves time outs off to the side of what we're doing, or they are sent to their rooms to cool off and come back when they are ready to behave, and no we don't let them pull the 'I don't need to go I'm going to behave'. In the past we tried letting them stay and gave them the benefit of the doubt and it never, ever, ended well. They need to at least sit and think about what they've done that got them in trouble. When they come back we have them explain what they did wrong and how we're going to fix it.
    Lately it's been fairly peaceful in the house and only takes one trip into time out/quiet thinking time.
    On outings and special trips if they act up they get to be stuck holding my hand for a few minutes... And trust me, I don't make it fun I'm not saying I can't be fun, they all know I can be, but when they are in trouble I'm not the person they want to hang out with.
    Hope that helps, feel free to PM me!

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    I agree with blackrose, in that set limits and follow through. I was going to write a big long description of how we handle things, but I really wouldn't be adding much to her advice lol

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    Thanks...... Another question How would you deal with this situation DSD told me tonight that she is still grounded from last wed night visit she is 8 and she gets grounded to her room with only being allowed out for meals.... the reason for her grounding was because she left a kleenex on her floor from a nose bleed. This to me is rediculus! Part of me wants to tell mom if you dont want to deal with the kids let them live here but that wont solve anything talking to mom gets them grounded further because they are not suppsed to tell us what happens at home...... I get soo enraged and want to say that her punishment is rediculus and I am sorry she had to go threw that but I just say that sucks idk how to handle it.

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    The thing is, her mom will always be her mom, and there's not all that much we as stepmoms can do. If that was me, I would try and make or buy a special craft or activity kit, so when she is stuck in her room she has new and special things to do.
    There is no way that mom wants to ever hear anything from stepmom. I am the stepmom and have multiple friends who are mom and in every single case, no exceptions, mom is not interested in hearing it, whatever “it“ may be.

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    Her and I don`t even talk so I have to intention of actually saying that to her as it wouldn`t help anything and DSD would get grounded further. The kids are not allowed to bring anything from our house home or they get grounded for that too. At one point they had no toys because moms bf bagged them all up and put them in the closet. How do I respond to DSD because she thinks its stupid as do I. I don`t want to paint a bad picture of mom by saying something wrong but I want to address her feelings about the situation. Also how would you deal with it emotionally? I have been getting anxiety spells thinking about these things or hearing them.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kylee View Post
    Her and I don`t even talk so I have to intention of actually saying that to her as it wouldn`t help anything and DSD would get grounded further. The kids are not allowed to bring anything from our house home or they get grounded for that too. At one point they had no toys because moms bf bagged them all up and put them in the closet. How do I respond to DSD because she thinks its stupid as do I. I don`t want to paint a bad picture of mom by saying something wrong but I want to address her feelings about the situation. Also how would you deal with it emotionally? I have been getting anxiety spells thinking about these things or hearing them.
    I'm not in the situation, but I would validate her feelings without adding your own.
    “I hear you saying that you don't like what mom did, what do you wish could have happened instead?“ and I wouldn't tell mom or let her know you know, because if the kids are getting in trouble they will stop telling you things and then may have no one to talk to about it.

    I would make a list of the 3 most important behaviours you want to see and then consequences if they don't and a reward if they do - no fighting or you get a 5-min. time out (even during a trip), if they don't fight all weekend they get ice cream before going home. I would put up the list and explain it to them and remind them what behaviour you like to see and praise it. Ignore other bad behaviour until the 3 most important have become better.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kylee View Post
    Thanks...... Another question How would you deal with this situation DSD told me tonight that she is still grounded from last wed night visit she is 8 and she gets grounded to her room with only being allowed out for meals.... the reason for her grounding was because she left a kleenex on her floor from a nose bleed. This to me is rediculus! Part of me wants to tell mom if you dont want to deal with the kids let them live here but that wont solve anything talking to mom gets them grounded further because they are not suppsed to tell us what happens at home...... I get soo enraged and want to say that her punishment is rediculus and I am sorry she had to go threw that but I just say that sucks idk how to handle it.
    Thats a crappy situation but you have to remember that all stories have 2 sides. My kids down play things to SO to make sure they don't look as guilty around here.

    You would think if she was still grounded you would have been told about it.

    I think you and the mom need to figure out how to get along for DD's sake. I couldn't imagine not being on speaking terms with the other woman in my childrens lives. When their dad use to see them all 4 of us (mom, dad, step mom, step dad) were all able to chat for the kids sake. I think that is in the best interest of the kids.








    “life is not measured by the breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away“

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    I believe that is the case as well and I have told DH that I wouldnt mind talking to her we have offered for her to come to DSS's birthday party at our home and she refused to come. DH attempts to communicate with her in regards to the kids and she will ignore him or jump to the defence like DSS has issues with reading and he text her asking if we could enrol him in the read program at the library and if she would sign a consent to take the kids to family cousilling and her response was i read with him everyday at home he doesnt need to be in a program and my kids don't need councilling! exclamation point and everything. DSD told me that mom has read with DSS once and sent him to his room when he couldnt read the word spilt. We also asked if we could get the kids in spectrum programs and she just wont respond at all. So we have tried to communicate and will keep comunicating and not sure on the downplay her response when I asked her what she had done was idk and DSD was the one that piped up and said something and they love to get each other in trouble its a wonderful game they play! Could be possible but is there anything your 8 year old could do that would make you have them spend a week in their room?

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    I'm not sure how often you have the kids but you don't need the other parent's consent to enrol in Spectrum. We enroll DSS all the time in non-competitive soccer, they know he's only there every other weekend and is fine with it.




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