Results 1 to 14 of 14
  1. #1
    Junior Member
    neohippie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Oxford and Highbury
    Posts
    847
    Rep Power
    67

    Default How to deal with a sensitive subject and DSD?

    Without giving the whole background story (as it is sooooooo long) DSD's mom has Borderline Personality Disorder which causes her to only be able to think of us in terms of black and white, and she thinks we are just terrible.
    So.., a ramification of this thinking is that everytime DSD is down for more than a weekend, DSD's mom calls the police. She makes up diferent lies etc, and it never results in anything.
    The question is that DSD (who is 6) never ever mentions or brings up that the police come to our house and it is clearly about her, they always want to talk to her (never the other kids).
    If I had the police talk to me as a child I can't imagine I would shut up about it, but she never asks any questions or talks about it at all.
    I want to bring it up, get it out in the open, talk about things like a family. Do I bring it up? How? Do I follow her lead and say nothing?

  2. #2
    Expert Forum User

    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    London, ON
    Posts
    5,492
    Rep Power
    339

    Default

    I wouldn't bring it up. Even though she obviously remembers I think she sees it as nothing and therefore doesn't think its a big deal. Heck, she probably thinks YOU are friends with the police and they come over all the time to visit and she gets to see them and since they see the other kids all the time she gets personal time with them.

    The only thing bringing it up will do is to make her realize it isn't normal and is something her mom is doing. I would allow her to think her mom is normal as long as she can, eventually she will realize there is something going on. If she asks about something or if it makes her feel bad then I would explain to her.
    My ex-fiance's daughter was 6 when mom withheld visitation and santa refused to give her presents,well she got a brick, because of how bad a child she was (she told the court appointed psychiatrist the truth) so we told her on the phone that mom was wrong and that she wasn't to listen to anything she said, and that she wasn't bad and that eventually she would get to come over and santa had left twice as many presents. Other times mom did things we just ignored it and didn't discuss it with her. She moved into dad's on her 12th bday and mom knew her opinion would be heard in court so just signed her over finally.

    I might call the police and discuss with them that you are having this issue and that it is EVERY visit and that you will call them before the visit and hopefully you won't have to deal with this next time. If they document all of it maybe they will stop paying attention to her calls about you.

  3. #3
    Senior Member

    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    London
    Posts
    1,217
    Rep Power
    114

    Default

    I think that I agree with melissawilliam. The only thing I would suggest is to let her know that you are there to talk or listen to her whenever she feels she needs to, about anything. Perhaps share something with her, so that she feels as though you trust her and in turn she can trust you.

  4. #4
    Junior Member
    neohippie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Oxford and Highbury
    Posts
    847
    Rep Power
    67

    Default

    Ok, you both make sense. I find the whole thing constantly confusing. I have had no real life preparation for situations like this!!
    I will leave it for now, and just make myself available in the future if anything comes up.

  5. #5
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!
    sittingpretty's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Posts
    12,510
    Rep Power
    1096

    Default

    IMO drop it, if it got back to mom you were questioning her child about the police she will just have more ammo to use.

  6. #6
    Junior Member
    neohippie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Oxford and Highbury
    Posts
    847
    Rep Power
    67

    Default

    Yeah, but not even just questioning her about the police, but just talking about it like “Wow, wasn't that exciting last night? The police are always interesting to have aorund“. Or just something, to clear the air, to avoid the elephant in the room so to speak

  7. #7
    Expert Forum User

    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    London
    Posts
    5,129
    Rep Power
    295

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by sittingpretty View Post
    IMO drop it, if it got back to mom you were questioning her child about the police she will just have more ammo to use.
    This, and what that would be doing to that child is awful. Can you imagine what must be happening at home? Any chance you can go for full custody of her?
    May the wind always be at your back

  8. #8
    Junior Member
    neohippie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Oxford and Highbury
    Posts
    847
    Rep Power
    67

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by sittingpretty View Post
    IMO drop it, if it got back to mom you were questioning her child about the police she will just have more ammo to use.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jasmin View Post
    This, and what that would be doing to that child is awful. Can you imagine what must be happening at home? Any chance you can go for full custody of her?
    The thing is, it's not like her mom is unaware her daughter is talking to the police, she is the one who calls, so I don't feel like it is innappropriate to mention it. It is not like we are asking about what happens when DSD is at her mom's.., which we are definitely curious about.

    We have tried to go for full custody, but it is very hard for a father to get custody in this case; they were never dating and only lived together briefly when DSD was a baby. Then mom moved 3 hours away and has been raising her since. So it would be quite an upset to DSD to move to a new town and away from extended family etc. Also, we have to do our own court work for financial reasons, and are pretty good at it, but not that good. We have made a lot of inroads though =)

    AND with mom being Borderline Personality, while we are horrible, she does love her daughter, she just is unable to make mature, adult decisions, and reacts from a place of defensiveness all the time.
    We know some of what goes on over there..., and wow. Like I said in the op, it is a long and bizarre story

  9. #9
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!
    sittingpretty's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Posts
    12,510
    Rep Power
    1096

    Default

    the thing is YOU should not be questioning her, its a very fine line of step parents crossing into too much of a parental role .

    If you are already having issues with mom it would only make it worse if she went home and said step mom is questioning me

  10. #10
    Junior Member
    neohippie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Oxford and Highbury
    Posts
    847
    Rep Power
    67

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by sittingpretty View Post
    the thing is YOU should not be questioning her, its a very fine line of step parents crossing into too much of a parental role .

    If you are already having issues with mom it would only make it worse if she went home and said step mom is questioning me
    Well, I've always respected your opinion, and that seems to be the easiest thing, so I will let sleeping dogs lie.
    I do wish it were different =(

  11. #11
    Moderator The Ultimate London Mom!
    ChinUp's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    LesBotLand
    Posts
    14,709
    Rep Power
    1420

    Default

    Yea, but it's not questioning. It's not - what did you say to the police? It's: that was a nice officer. When I was nine I thought I wanted to be a police officer. That's what you mean, right? It just opens it up and acknowledges that a cop was present.

    I would for sure do the latter.
    Last edited by ChinUp; 08-10-2012 at 06:36 AM.
    Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

    ~ Breastfed for 7 months, 2 weeks and 3 days ~

  12. #12
    Junior Member
    Kylee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    London
    Posts
    347
    Rep Power
    50

    Default

    I have 3 step kids and a situation quite similar to what you breifly described and I would do the latter as well. We at first kept everything hush hush about court and whatnot but mom let the kids know things she shouldn`t have led to a bunch of questions concerns CAS and great fun! I find that if there are already is things that would cause her to wonder it is better you have an open communication path. I repeatedly tell the kids they can come to me about anything and want them to be comfortable talking to me even though mom encourages them to lie and grounds them for telling DH or I anything.

  13. #13
    Senior Member

    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    London, ON
    Posts
    2,341
    Rep Power
    251

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by melissawilliam View Post
    The only thing bringing it up will do is to make her realize it isn't normal and is something her mom is doing. I would allow her to think her mom is normal as long as she can, eventually she will realize there is something going on. If she asks about something or if it makes her feel bad then I would explain to her.
    ITA
    Kids have these rose tinted glasses on. They often realize something is off but they don't really dwell on why.
    When they are older they'll look back and realize the truth.

  14. #14
    Junior Member
    neohippie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Oxford and Highbury
    Posts
    847
    Rep Power
    67

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ChinUp View Post
    Yea, but it's not questioning. It's not - what did you say to the police? It's: that was a nice officer. When I was nine I thought I wanted to be a police officer. That's what you mean, right? It just opens it up and acknowledges that a cop was present.

    I would for sure do the latter.
    Yes, this is exactly what I mean. I mean, I can say to DSD that she can talk to DH and myself, but if we stay silent about important things..., I don't know how to phrase my thoughts exactly, but it just feels unnatural to not discuss things.
    I will leave it for this go 'round, the moment for discussion has passed anyway.

Similar Threads

  1. how to broach the subject
    By Thistle in forum Chit Chat
    Replies: 92
    Last Post: 02-07-2011, 06:11 PM
  2. While we are on the tax refund subject
    By mrs_williams in forum Chit Chat
    Replies: 23
    Last Post: 01-21-2010, 09:38 PM
  3. How to deal with a very sensitive gag reflex?
    By sardam in forum General Support/Advice about the Kids!
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 05-23-2008, 08:28 PM
  4. sensitive subject: putting dog down
    By Carol in forum Chit Chat
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 12-05-2007, 04:22 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •