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  1. #1
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    Default moms of multiples.....do you have help? OR do you do it all on your own?

    just wondering: how many kids do you have, and what kind of support do you have in helping you raise your kids?

    i have two kids of my own: ages approx 2 1/2 yrs DD, and 6 months DS.
    I love my kids dearly and would love to be able to expand my family to 4 max, but right now does not seem like the perfect time, and i don't know when will be, or if it will ever be. My husband pretty much is none existent in the household of raising the kids as he is out working monday to saturday and sometimes sunday full days and overtime. he is in construction and owns his business so he just comes home with a lot of stress all of the time, and tired and i just don't want to add to it, as frustrated as i am.

    it is a sad situation here or so i feel, as my days are the same day in and day out, and if i go out with my kids which to me-doing it alone is so stressful and tiring and i have to plan it out around naps etc and bring snacks and deal with occasional tantrums on my own then think about what to make for dinner at home, then deal with bedtime on my own, then cleanup time after a days end (dishes,toys, laundry etc). and then its time for me to crash when the kids go to bed. then its the morning again and i wake up still feeling exhausted and never able to sleep in, because my husband could never wake up and take over for once to make breakfast for anyone and let me rest for once.

    my husband can never really be there to help out, he is just too busy and i tried talking to him. his work is his priority right now as he is trying to expand his business. i am trying to support him but im getting tired and impatient. there is just no "us" time ever as a family unless its his bedtime. precious moments and precious time are being wasted. i will never have that day where he would cook dinner that one day a week where i can relax, he does not have a day to sleep in, he does not have that one day off where he can look after the kids while i go out shopping. we can never do spontaneous outings such as a simple walk around the block one day a week even, or take the kids to the park, or take family trips to the store for shopping etc. its all me pretty much raising these two kids. i am privileged to watch my kids grow but i feel like they are missing out on their daddy and their daddy is missing out on them . i went to parent teacher night a few days ago and i was the only single parent there, and i even had to bring both my kids! as hubby couldn't make it out to watch them. and i look around and all i see are the other children there with their TWO parents-mommy and daddy there to support their kids and be involved and interested in their children's life, it just makes me sad. when i see couples with their kids walking down the street it makes me sad that i don't have that, and i probably never will. they seem more happier, or at least the responsibility is divided between the two enough for one to be able to cope and re-energize if you know what i mean. i feel i am so busy tending to their needs i cannot tend to my needs anymore such as go shopping for myself or get a proper haircut etc etc to make myself look and feel better. i cant even read a book or watch tv for 5 minutes . i feel so alone...

    sorry i over ranted. i just don't know how my life came down this path, and when and if it will change which it probably wont for a long while. i'm just sad that if i want more kids, the responsibility will still be %100 mine and i dont think i would be able to handle that. or are there moms that can and do???? that is what i want to know. just out of curiosity. i know there are lots of lucky moms out there lol. please be honest. just want to know the situation and see if some are on the same boat as me or on another boat lol. i dont even have friends that can help or even family members, everyone is just too busy with their life :S. i really feel for single parents right now although some single parents might claim too be fine with their situation? am i just depressed?

  2. #2
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    I have 2 kids. My husband is currently working days. He did afternoons for a while when I was like 7-8mo pregnant with my second and it sucked.

    DH and I don't get a whole lot of alone time, we rarely go out together. He's never taken the girls out by himself (even 1 of them).

    My MIL also lives with us (though I haven't seen her today at all as she has her own apartment). She will come up and help out pretty often. It's nice to be able to call her up at like 7pm, and say, “What are you doing this evening, will you come up and watch the girls? We're going to go to Costco - I'll pick you up some milk“. We can bust free for an hour or so and chat in the car, do a little shopping, etc.

    My mom comes in a few times a week and watches the girls while I work. Very nice

    That being said -- I deal nearly 100% with the kids. I do all diapers, bedtimes (unless DH is requested), baths, etc. DH deals with most other household stuff (laundry, dishwasher, cleaning) -- I do meal prep/grocery shopping.

    I would not be able to work full time, do 100% of kid stuff after work + meal prep + clean + cook + laundry + dishes. I'm human, not a machine. I need down time.

    I also had PPD after my second. It really sucked. I could barely take care of myself let alone my kids.

    We both have weekends off. I haven't slept in in I don't know how long. It's always “MAAAAMMMMMAAAAA“ and then I'm up making pancakes. I would love to sleep in, really -- but it just isn't going to happen.

    I do manage to sneak in a nap one day on the weekend though which is quite lovely.

  3. #3
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    I've got three. They are 8, 5 and almost 7 months. It gets easier, once they are a bit older, or at least some of them are older, so hang in there.

    My husband is usually away on average a hundred hours a week. When he is here, he has to sleep, and that could be any time of day depending when he got in as he works on call and could be gone eight hours, or three days, who knows. So between work, sleep, eating, he's really not 'here' much kwim? He's doing what needs doing to support hte family, but I really do relate to a lot of what you said.
    Like school events. DH went to family math day and ds told me later that a lot of the kids were like “We didn't know you had a dad!“ because they've seen me so much, but never dh. lol. I am the mom who always has to bring all the kids everywhere, like school interviews or to the bank to discuss life insurance or to the dentist for a root canal. I know many assume I'm single. I've had people comment to me about it, both negative and positive, but assuming I am single in this.

    There are times when I feel like he misses so much. I try to record a lot of our life in photos and movie clips and I think in part it is so he can be part of it, 'remember' it even if he wasn't there when it happened.

    If you feel like you need some more support, find it, if you can afford it hire someone if there's no one in the family to help out. Or find a friend to swap with, I may be interested, I'm moving to London soon
    Swap an afternoon or something here and there so you can go for a haircut or nap or something.
    Hire a mom's helper, like a teen or someone who can watch your kids or take them on an outing.

    When he is there, try to make the most of it. Here, when dh is going to lie down we often all end up in the bed lying there talking or goofing around, for a bit before he goes to sleep. Starts out with him inviting one kid up to tell him a story, then the other comes up, then I wander up thinking I'll come see if he wants them out of there...course the baby is on me and next thing you know we're all there talking about stuff or singing babydd's favourite song or something.
    I know, it's not the science centre or the cottage or the pumpkin patch, all those fun planned family activities that it seems every other mom on here has with their s/o if they have a s/o. But, it's memories.
    DD1 age 7 DS age 11
    "I will remember you." July/10
    Baby Elaina born October 28th, 2011. Making every single day that much more special.
    INTERESTED IN BUYING DVDS OF OLD KIDS' SHOWS. Mr.Rogers', Mr.Dressup, Polka Dot Door, etc

  4. #4
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    My DH works 10.5hr oddball hours and I flip between two shifts. We pretty much trade off with the kids all the time so we are both usually single parents. It's hard and it sucks. We have 4 days per month where we are off together and that's it unless one of us takes vacation. I dream of both of us having day jobs once the kids are in school and having a 'normal' family life, but I'm not sure it would happen. School functions are always in the evening so it's always me who goes - alone with the kids. My mom was a single mom and now I have a good idea of what she had to do for me. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. It is a handful, but at least I get a break. I'm sorry you don't have that right now. Can you hire a babysitter or mother's helper for the summer for a few hours/week so that you can have some time to focus on yourself?
    Last edited by ZooMama; 05-25-2012 at 10:31 PM.



  5. #5
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    My DH is gone all week, I have 4 kids and am currently working full time. I don't have time for myself and receive very little help. Him working so much does pay off in ways but it is hard. I guess I never really notice that its unusual because its my normal.

    Organization and preplanning (meals, clothing, chores, etc) helps. When it slips, I really struggle.

    I had a weekly cleaning lady before. That really helped....hmmm....maybe I should do that again

  6. #6
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    I could have written your post. Pm me if you ever feel like chatting.
    Proud mom of 3 wonderful children


  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by a_bun_in_the_oven View Post
    I would not be able to work full time, do 100% of kid stuff after work + meal prep + clean + cook + laundry + dishes. I'm human, not a machine. I need down time.
    I wish my husband would get this. I work 50 hours a week. I think because I do home daycare he thinks it should be easier for me to keep the housework done. So not true. I do EVERYTHING. He doesn't lift a finger. I am getting very resentful. The problem is when he does actually do something I think he does such a crappy job on purpose so I don't want him to do it again. Like wash dishes...ffs he will not even do that properly. Honestly though he should want to help with the kids more and he doesn't. I can count how many times he has bathed the kids....3 for dd and she is almost 7 and 1 for ds and his is 2 1/2. I don't know why I keep track in my head, but it does just seem weird. I also discipline all the time, so when he is here he is Mr. Wonderful while I am always the mean bad Mom.
    These are things that could one day lead to me exploding and wanting out of my marriage. With him working shiftwork and being so emotionally unavailable all the time, I might as well be a single Mom anyways.
    So I feel for you, I really do.
    Last edited by elliesmom; 05-26-2012 at 06:52 AM.

  8. #8
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    I have 3 kids ages 7.5, 5 and 2. I run a home daycare from home and do pretty much everything with the kids during the day. DH works M-F 8:30-6 but is very involved with the kids in the evenings and on weekends. He doesn't always take the initiative to do things with the kids or around the house but if I ask he is more than willing to help out. I used to have a lot of support from my parents but they moved to the states last September so it's been a big adjustment for me without them to depend on for babysitting, rides to activities, etc.
    Jodie
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  9. #9
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    I also have two children and my husband is only off 40-48hrs a week average and the rest of the week he is working or on call. At first I thought I was going to loose my mind. Somedays I still do. I started doing things that work for me. I was very frustrated when no one would help we with simple things like opening the front door at a family function when they could clearly see that my arms where overful with stuff and two kids in tow. I had a chat with some people about this and I guess that because I had to do it alone and was managing people thought I didnt need any help so it wasnt offered and I am not good at asking. So I started asking. I am fortunate to have family members close that I trust but I am still getting use to asking for help. Same goes for hubby. He is starting to do things without being told but he told me before that he wouldnt do anything because it might be different from my way and i would be mad. This comes from his family I think. There is one way to do things and you cant change that. If hubby was off for the weekend I would let him sleep in one day and then that evening I would say “okay you slept in today so tomorrow is my turn“. He laughed at first but the silent treatment seems to send the message well to him.

    It wasnt over night that this started working but little bits over time. Being a successful parent is about surviving. Its about making it through those years of sleeplessness being overworked. If you need to pop a movie in so you can have an hour of no one pullin on you, you do it!

    2yrs old is a hard year. Once your little ones are a bit older it gets easier because you dont have to constantly hold them/carry them etc. My son is 6 and can wake up and make himself a bowl of cereal so I can sleep for a bit before #2 wakes up. But my daughter is two and so that means many power struggles. I can't imagine how exhausting it must be for you having two little ones that are so young. Hang in there, it will get easier.

    I am sorry you are going through this hard time.

  10. #10
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    my hubby works crazy hours also so most days it is just me and the kids (and has always been that way). I have 6 kids aged 14,12,10,10,7 and 6. It is sooooo much easier on me now that they are older but for many years I struggled.

  11. #11
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    It's not easy, that's why I am done having babies don't think I could handle more without going completely insane.

  12. #12
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    I cant really complain because I work full time but we have no help.

    DH works straight afternoons 3-11pm, I work straight days so we are like ships passing in the night. It's the only way to save on daycare costs for us and our kids are still being raised by us ...

    we havent had dinner alone in probably 2 yrs .. it's tough but it wont last forever ..(or so I keep reminding myself!)

    we have no outside help at all ... my in laws are completely useless and dont even see my kids ... i have no siblings in the area .. my Mom is close to 70 ... so it's just DH and I ...
    ~ Mamabear to twins! ~

  13. #13
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    I feel it I totally feel ya,

    mine are 2 and 8 months. we just move out side of london and all family is pretty far away. my df travels alot about a third of the year he is gone and he works 2 jobs so monday to friday 6-6 and then anytime from 6-midnight at least 3 times a week not to mention he helps his mom take care of the building she manages so he is constantly there helping her.

    When people here that he works from home they automatically think thats awesome you must have so much help. but I think it the oposit its added stress. not only do I have to manage 2 kids and the house but I have to do it while being absolutly quiet! no crying ever. and if they do cry (god forbid) I'm forced to do what ever I have to to make them stop before they interupt one of his many conference calls.

    I use a schedual to keep track of my house duties and to help keep me on track and I also schedual my mommy bathroom time ttime to get dressed and do my hair and makup wash my face etc. I even managed to find a way to shower which consists of waiting until the little one is sleeping and bringing the 2y/o into the barthroom and playing peek-a-boo.


    swapping with another mom is a good idea as allie suggested. I haven't been able to find another mom with 2 willing to swap yet.
    ~Who ever said "don't cry over spilt milk" has never been a breast feeding mother with latch issues standing over a puddle



  14. #14
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    I've got three aged four and under. When DH is in town he is usually home by 6:30, but he averages one week/month that he is travelling for work. In a pinch I can ask my mother to help out, but she is older and I don't dare leave her with all three of my crazies.

    It will get easier as they get older!

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