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  1. #1
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    Default Hope it is okay to post here

    I am not the step parent (though DH is). I am just feeling really blue about something today.

    My ex and I have 2 boys together (8 and 5). I have had de facto custody since September 2009, when he moved out of our home town. Since then, I have also moved, but I got his blessing first and it was because we were struggling financially, and there was more work here (and a support system for us). My ex has not been paying child support and his visits with the boys have been inconsistent and spotty.

    A couple of months ago, he and his GF moved about an hour from us. We have been trying to flesh out a new schedule so that he can see the kids more. He wanted 50/50 again (like we had before he moved), and I said absolutely, if we live in the same city. (Until then, we are doing every other weekend and alternating holidays and school breaks).

    His GF sent me an email today saying that they are planning to move to our city next summer to do 50/50 until the boys are done elementary school. After that, they plan to move back up North. She said that her ex is going to follow them whereever they move (she has kids from a previous relationship too), and that he asked why they would move to this city. She said "The only answer I have is that's what [QueenofKings] decided for everyone. I feel I don't have a choice in where we live and that is very frustrating. I hope you understand."

    This is bothering me A LOT. I don't want to feel responsible for someone else being unhappy, but I never made this choice for everyone. I made this choice for myself and my family, based on our situation at the time. The information that I had at that point was that my ex was absolutely against moving to Southern Ontario or returning to our old home town. I was receiving no support from him, and he was rarely working anyway. Now I am supposed to feel guilty about trying to create some stability and security for the kids.

    Damn, my feelings are really hurt. Am I at fault for something here?

  2. #2
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    You are absolutely not at fault here. You had his blessing to move now he wants 50/50 and you are right the only way it would work is if you lived in the same city. HE is the one making the decision to move not you and if this is causing issues with his gf and her ex they need to decide what will work for them. YOU made the bet decision for you at the time and if he's deciding to step up more now then that's HIS choice




  3. #3
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    I think its awesome he is choosing to move to be near his kids.

    As for his GF I would tell her Im sorry your upset but in the end its your choice to follow him not.

  4. #4
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    This is probably more for the Single Mom section - since it has to do with parenting and your ex - you don't have to be single now to post there. Although it does fit with step-parenting things too. Its up to you where to post of course (or the Mods) but just thought I'd mention you don't have to currently be single to post in Single Moms section

    I wouldn't feel guilty over that. I think it makes sense that he gets the kids every other weekend and holidays/summers and you are being overly generous to offer 50/50. You have mentioned he has been spotty in seeing them and now suddenly is going to uproot his whole family just to see his kids more often - that seems strange to me. If he wanted to see them that bad that he is going to make everyone else move then why hasn't he tried this hard to see them e-o-w!

    It is his choice to do this and has nothing to do with you since he knew you were moving and said that was ok and didn't have these concerns back then. He is the one who should have thought of how much he wanted his kids at that time, not now.
    Also, if he works days then it isn't like he is going to see them that much more - if he gets home at 5:30pm and they go to bed at 8/9pm he won't see them for very long-especially as they get older and start having a lot more homework - I'm sure your 8 yo gets a bit already, but in another 2-3 years he will probably spend 30+ minutes a night on homework or want to go to friends houses rather than stay at dad's - so he won't really see them till bedtime. I think it would make more sense to stay where he is and has a job, etc and can make sure that his weekends he is as devoted to them as possible and spends quality time with them.

    Also, I would make sure he knows what area you are in and to get something nearby, preferably same school district. If he has to drive the kids to school for 9am then go to work it could be a long commute (for example wonderland south to wonderland north can be an hour drive during rush hour -but only 20minutes when not busy) so he could have an hour drive to get them to school, then an hour to get to work on the other end of city (southwest to northeast takes forever) and then same thing at 5pm each night.

  5. #5
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    You're not at fault. Don't let her lay a guilt trip on you. It's none of her business where you live and she doesn't HAVE to move. That's her choice. I suggest getting a custody agreement in place. Just because everythings been working out ok so far doesn't mean it won't get sticky in the future and those kids deserve financial support from their Dad. It's their legal right.

  6. #6
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    We have been advised by the legal clinic here to file for sole custody, but I had told him that I would never do that. I asked him to sign a parenting agreement outlining our schedule over a year ago and he finally signed it this weekend though - it states that he gets alternate weekends and alternate holidays. It also does also stipulate that he pay child support according to the tables, and as I understand it, it is a legal document. So hopefully that encourages him to start contributing.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by QueenofKings View Post
    We have been advised by the legal clinic here to file for sole custody, but I had told him that I would never do that. I asked him to sign a parenting agreement outlining our schedule over a year ago and he finally signed it this weekend though - it states that he gets alternate weekends and alternate holidays. It also does also stipulate that he pay child support according to the tables, and as I understand it, it is a legal document. So hopefully that encourages him to start contributing.
    Be really careful about this, you can still have great visitation arrangements with you having sole custody. You maybe putting yourself at risk with allowing joint, because you sound uncomfortable with it and there will be lots of decisions that you will have to allow his input on in the future and you may not want that.

  8. #8
    Expert Forum User The Ultimate London Mom!
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    Quote Originally Posted by QueenofKings View Post
    We have been advised by the legal clinic here to file for sole custody, but I had told him that I would never do that. I asked him to sign a parenting agreement outlining our schedule over a year ago and he finally signed it this weekend though - it states that he gets alternate weekends and alternate holidays. It also does also stipulate that he pay child support according to the tables, and as I understand it, it is a legal document. So hopefully that encourages him to start contributing.
    unless its signed off in court its NOT a legal document and he can in fact refuse to return them and you can't force them back without court.

    sole custody does not mean he has no access just that make all decisions.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by BemusedMom View Post
    Be really careful about this, you can still have great visitation arrangements with you having sole custody. You maybe putting yourself at risk with allowing joint, because you sound uncomfortable with it and there will be lots of decisions that you will have to allow his input on in the future and you may not want that.
    my sister just went through this with her ex, she just finished her court case, they each represented themselves and they used the free court people to help with the wording of the contracts and my sister filed for sole custody and has everything that you have, alt weekends, alt holidays etc and the money is actually going to be garnished from his pay and sent directly to her bank account, the best for both worlds....then whoever has the sole custody the other parent is responsible for picking up the kids and each must notify the other parent if they move more than 50km away...but if he were to move up north it just means he has to drive farther to pick up the kids...i would really suggest getting something about the custody officially signed by the courts as he could be a jerk and take them outta school and it could get messy....

  10. #10
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    .
    Last edited by neohippie; 08-07-2012 at 08:36 AM.

  11. #11
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    I don't think you need to feel guilty.

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