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  1. #1
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    Default Help! Re: Kids calling other kids fat.

    My kids is 5 and in SK. She told me at dinner tonight *giggling* that she saw a boy's boobies today. That he is 4 and in a different class, she does not know his name and he was changing his shirt in the hall. Her friend C called the boy fat and they giggled about his boobies.

    I asked what the boy said or did, she said the boy did not hear them and then went into his classroom but there was no teacher in there.

    My MOM! said that he is fat cause he eats too much and it's not nice to call people fat.

    I interrupted and said that's not really true, people all look different for many different reasons. And then I went over height, hair colour, eye colour, and talked about how no one looks the same.

    Then I said that - we don't need to tell other people what they look like, cause they already know. So if someone is fat, or tall, or has missing teeth telling them is silly, cause they already know.

    I DID NOT want to say that calling people fat is MEAN, cause I thought it would start the stigma of fat=bad. And that's not what I want to do. People are what they are and that's that, saying it's mean seems like drawing a line and putting "fat" on the bad side. KWIM?

    So - did I totally screw this up!!!? It threw me off and I didn't know what to say. I knew I didn't like what my Mom said so I flew in for damage control.

    And, do I bother writing a note to the teacher? I'm horrified that the kid might have heard them! I don't know that I believe the kid didn't hear. And even if the kid didn't hear, maybe the class needs a discussion about how everyone looks different?
    Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

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    I think you handled it well. Writing the teacher wouldn't hurt, just in case the kid did hear so she knows to keep her ears perked up.
    Married 2005. DD1 2007. DD2 2011. Beta Sigma Phi 2013.
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    I think you handled it very well. I don't know whether I would send a note or not, maybe? It would probably depend on my talk with DD and how it went.
    Alicia
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  4. #4
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    AAAHHHHH!!!! It sounds like you handled it well!

  5. #5
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    I think you totally did well.

    I try to just tell my kids that we don't talk about what someone looks like because it dosen't really matter. My middle one (5.5 yrs) came home today saying she made a friend at the playground today who has dark skin. OMG! Horrified me. I said “Did you say anything about her skin!?“ And she said no....so I took a breath and said we don't talk about that, because people are different in many ways - it's easy to point out height and hair colour and eye colour, because they can see it right in our family, so it's immediate. When you venture into things like race or size, it's trickier, but I actually think you did exactly the right thing. Acknowleding difference is fine, but priviledging one way over another is wrong.

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    I think that was a good way to handle it Chinup, saying there's no point telling it becuase they already know.

    Here what I've gone with is telling them that while there is nothing wrong with being a girl or short or tall or gay or having brown skin or having 'pink' skin (as dd calls ours), people sometimes do not like you to talk about them like that. It's like if I called you little curlyhaired girl with purple pants all day long - not very fun huh? Nothing wrong with your hair or you're a girl or your pants, but you don't want that to be how I identify you.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Geomamma View Post
    I think you totally did well.

    I try to just tell my kids that we don't talk about what someone looks like because it dosen't really matter. My middle one (5.5 yrs) came home today saying she made a friend at the playground today who has dark skin. OMG! Horrified me. I said “Did you say anything about her skin!?“ And she said no....so I took a breath and said we don't talk about that, because people are different in many ways - it's easy to point out height and hair colour and eye colour, because they can see it right in our family, so it's immediate. When you venture into things like race or size, it's trickier, but I actually think you did exactly the right thing. Acknowleding difference is fine, but priviledging one way over another is wrong.
    DS is 4 and has just started talking about this stuff. He has african american figures and he was playing with them and then commented “(kid in his class) has brown skin too“ I just tried to play it off as any other comment about physical attributes. I didn't want to bring more attention than it needs, but I'm thinking I should look into a book that talks about different races. I'm thankful his class has diversity in it.

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    Yes, I think ignoring it is probably not wise. I read an article a few years back about how we think that kids are absorbing our ideals but unless we actually talk about them, we have no idea.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Geomamma View Post
    I think you totally did well.

    I try to just tell my kids that we don't talk about what someone looks like because it dosen't really matter. My middle one (5.5 yrs) came home today saying she made a friend at the playground today who has dark skin. OMG! Horrified me. I said “Did you say anything about her skin!?“ And she said no....so I took a breath and said we don't talk about that, because people are different in many ways - it's easy to point out height and hair colour and eye colour, because they can see it right in our family, so it's immediate. When you venture into things like race or size, it's trickier, but I actually think you did exactly the right thing. Acknowleding difference is fine, but priviledging one way over another is wrong.
    I think the bolded part is what matters. I don't correct my kids when they point out obvious features of other people, like saying somebody is tall, or has brown skin or red hair. I actually thought it was kind of cute when DS came home from day care and told me about the different skin colours the kids in his class have (white, brown and orange, according to him). I mean, I will describe people based on physical attributes, but not in a mean way. I teach my kids that making fun of somebody because of colour or size is not nice.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by ChinUp View Post
    My kids is 5 and in SK. She told me at dinner tonight *giggling* that she saw a boy's boobies today. That he is 4 and in a different class, she does not know his name and he was changing his shirt in the hall. Her friend C called the boy fat and they giggled about his boobies.

    I asked what the boy said or did, she said the boy did not hear them and then went into his classroom but there was no teacher in there.

    My MOM! said that he is fat cause he eats too much and it's not nice to call people fat.

    I interrupted and said that's not really true, people all look different for many different reasons. And then I went over height, hair colour, eye colour, and talked about how no one looks the same.

    Then I said that - we don't need to tell other people what they look like, cause they already know. So if someone is fat, or tall, or has missing teeth telling them is silly, cause they already know.

    I DID NOT want to say that calling people fat is MEAN, cause I thought it would start the stigma of fat=bad. And that's not what I want to do. People are what they are and that's that, saying it's mean seems like drawing a line and putting “fat“ on the bad side. KWIM?

    So - did I totally screw this up!!!? It threw me off and I didn't know what to say. I knew I didn't like what my Mom said so I flew in for damage control.

    And, do I bother writing a note to the teacher? I'm horrified that the kid might have heard them! I don't know that I believe the kid didn't hear. And even if the kid didn't hear, maybe the class needs a discussion about how everyone looks different?


    I think you did well.
    I especially like the part above that I bolded. I think it's perfect and I'm going to steal it
    Good job, Mama.

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    Becky ~ Mom to two busy boys, Jack & Ben


    ~Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter won't mind~
    ~Dr. Seuss~

  11. #11
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    I agree that you did really well. I totally would have said something about calling them fat is mean, and then later on would have kicked myself. I don't think well on my feet when it comes to stuff like that! I would have panicked lol

    Knowing me, and the relationship that I have with DS's teacher, I would send a note, just letting her know, but that's up to you. I would just be wanting to give the teacher a heads up in case friend C decides to say it again.
    Danielle
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    You did good Mommy

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    I like the explaination of how “people already know how they look so you don't have to tell them“. Smart imo. Kids don't always point it out of be mean, but its rude just the same. It's bound to happen.
    Good for you!




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    I'm going to steal the bolded part too. I have said calling people fat is mean and later regretted it even when I followed up with a people are unique kind of talk. kind of contradictory.
    Cole is 8 years old! January, 2005
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    Quote Originally Posted by Geomamma View Post
    Yes, I think ignoring it is probably not wise. I read an article a few years back about how we think that kids are absorbing our ideals but unless we actually talk about them, we have no idea.
    Yes, this exactly. Instead of reacting with a “don't say that! That's mean!“ I'm trying to take a breath and think first.

    DD1 last year commented on how she didn't like someone cause their skin was so dark. Before I panicked I turned it into a “Oh really? I wish my skin was darker cause then I wouldn't get such a bad sunburn in the summer. We always have to cover up and be careful about getting burnt, she probably doesn't have to worry about that. She's lucky.“ Whether that is actually true or not, I have no idea. But it was all I could come up with in a split second.

    And you know, it was hearing my Mom say it that I knew the “that's mean!“ didn't feel comfortable. It set up the good/bad of body types.

    Whew. Parenting is hard. I need a nap.
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