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  1. #1
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    Old gal's Avatar
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    Default If your parents were divorced...

    ... were you upset at either of them dating or getting married again? At what age might children be ok with this? My bf's teens (dd 14 and ds 15) go out of their way to upset me and have said they never want him to marry. They also say they hate their mom's fiance and want to stab him in the face.

    I personally don't care if we just continue living together but it's unpleasant (to say the least) with their attitudes. I used to go out of my way to do nice things for them, buy them stuff, drive them wherever they wanted to go, but I've given up because all I get in return is deceit, lying, theft and destruction of property.

    Their dad knows they're manipulative and sneaky and he's stressed too, so I don't bring up issues any more. I try to ignore what they say and do, clean up after them and pick up their messes, fix or replace what breaks, and keep my mouth shut.

    Any thoughts, feedback, help? tia...
    Love seeketh not itself to please,
    Nor for itself hath any care,
    But for another gives its ease,
    And builds a Heaven in Hell's despair.

    - William Blake (1757 - 1827)

  2. #2
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    my parents divorced when I was 7 and they both started dating other people about a year later. my dad remarried when I was 9 and we (me and my three sisters) never liked her much. My mother kinda caused that and it is confusing as a kid because you think if you dont hate the new wife then your mother thinks you love her less.

    I dont know about teenagers but I would thinkt hey would be harder to please. I do not have a relationship with my father for other reasons but when I see his wife we are friendly. It seems like our relationship when I was older, married and had a child.

    My advice for your hard situation would be to do what makes you happy because eventually over time they will see that this is the new normal and/or they will be grown up and have their own family. I would just stay out of the parenting type stuff and leave that to him.

    good luck it can;t be easy. is there a step parenting support section on here??

  3. #3
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    My parents aren't divorced, but I would think 14/15 are the hardest ages. Very hormonal and trying to build their own ideas and many can be very angry and rebellious - so I would think this would be the hardest age and that by the time they are adults it would get better.

    My uncle cheated/left my aunt when the 2 boys were 11/12 and they were happy when their mom started dating a year later. The girl 9 blamed her mom for dad leaving for many years and made life bad enough for her new bf that mom moved out about 6 months later - she was around 12-14 at that time - she was sure if her mom was better her parents would get back together. At 28 now she wishes mom would meet someone and has no contact with her deadbeat dad.

    I think it would make a difference how long you've been together. If after the divorce he kids were able to get away with a lot of things and then you and mom's fiance come in and point that out and start making more rules -that the kids would rebel.

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    My parents were divorced, I can't remember when maybe I was 12, my dad moved in with a girl friend rather quickly and I loved his girl friend and spent a lot of time with them. My mom's boyfriend, I didn't like. I tried but just couldn't stand him, none of my friends liked him either. We didn't like my dad's second wife.

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    I leave the parenting totally to him. I'm pretty much the outsider in my house. I just keep things as orderly as I can and stay out of the way. We've been together 5 years and he has never once given me even a hug in front of them. He sleeps in front of the tv and I stay upstairs. Despite this stress on the relationship, I do love him.
    Love seeketh not itself to please,
    Nor for itself hath any care,
    But for another gives its ease,
    And builds a Heaven in Hell's despair.

    - William Blake (1757 - 1827)

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    my parents divorced when I ws 9. Took me sometime to come around to Dads new girlfriend probably a few years because he had been cheating and left my Mom for her. It was her daughter at school that told me and I had to tell me Mom. Bad times all arouond. They married when I was 14 the night before the wedding I dyed my hair green, haha. I lived with them for awhile but moved out at 15 when I realized her kids were getting obvious better treatment than I. Now at 31 I get along quite well with my Step Mom.

    My Mom took awhile to start dating but when she finally did dated loser after loser. The second last man she dated I did grow to love and the man she is with now he's amazing.

    14/15 is a hard age for girls and i can understand tham acting out but I think there father needs to know what is going on and proper discipline be given.
    I'm

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    Quote Originally Posted by Old gal View Post
    I leave the parenting totally to him. I'm pretty much the outsider in my house. I just keep things as orderly as I can and stay out of the way. We've been together 5 years and he has never once given me even a hug in front of them. He sleeps in front of the tv and I stay upstairs. Despite this stress on the relationship, I do love him.
    Sorry but he needs to show his children that you are in his life too. If my DF never hugged me infront of my children, or showed that he loved me, then of course my children would feel he doesn't deserve me!!

    My children were 7, 10 and 12 when I first started dating my DF. They didn't meet him until 6 months into the relationship, at that point we figured we were going somewhere, and introduced all the childen (DF has a step son from his 1st marriage).

    And we always hug, kiss etc, the kids see the love in our relationship, and we have now all lived together for just over 3 years. When I told the kids we were getting married (back in January) they were very happy for us, and DS2 (age 16) asked DF if he could be his best man!! We are having all 3 children a part of the wedding, and I have asked all their opinions on everything, even invitations (which will have their names on it also!!)

    I guess it depends on the child, and their resentment towards someone “taking“ over their parents life. My children didn't have any resentment, so they openly accept our relationship. My children have never made DF feel like an outsider in our home.

    Yes my oldest was upset when DF and I first started dating (I was honest with my children and told them I was dating DF, even though they had not met him). He didn't want "another father" as he said. DS1 already has a biological dad (doesn't see him) and an adoptive father, so he didn't want another one. But he is so much closer to DF now, he took a bit to warm up to him, but he respects DF, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

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    [QUOTE=hockeymomof3;1553266]Sorry but he needs to show his children that you are in his life too. If my DF never hugged me infront of my children, or showed that he loved me, then of course my children would feel he doesn't deserve me!!/QUOTE]

    I agree with this. I think you should continue with your relationship as normal. I would just suggest against deciplining them unless it is something directly invovling you or a safety thing. They need to see that this is a long term thing. Teenagers are always trouble arent they? lol

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by hockeymomof3 View Post
    Sorry but he needs to show his children that you are in his life too. If my DF never hugged me in front of my children, or showed that he loved me, then of course my children would feel he doesn't deserve me!!
    I think he's aware they'd act out even more if they saw me getting attention. There's no “dating“ either - I go out by myself to have coffee with friends or visit my family. Maybe it's better this way for now. I can cross my fingers and hope they move out in a few years.
    Love seeketh not itself to please,
    Nor for itself hath any care,
    But for another gives its ease,
    And builds a Heaven in Hell's despair.

    - William Blake (1757 - 1827)

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Old gal View Post
    I think he's aware they'd act out even more if they saw me getting attention. There's no “dating“ either - I go out by myself to have coffee with friends or visit my family. Maybe it's better this way for now. I can cross my fingers and hope they move out in a few years.
    I don't know - I moved out at 23 when pregnant and back in at 24 with a baby, lol, then back out 3 years later (14 hours north for work) but baby stayed for the school year, then we finally both moved out for good. DS2's dad is back and forth from his parents and he's 36. My sister moved out for school years at 23, but was home each summer. So it could be a long time before they truly move out, lol.

  11. #11
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    I was 11 when my parents split. I resented my mom for leaving my dad. She started dating right away and I resented him for years...and years. She is still with him some 20+ years later, I guess I have grown up a bit and got used to it but him and I are not close at all. My sister who was 3 when my parents split treats him like a father. My brother who was 5 is indifferent and always has been.

    I didn't make life easy for my mom or her BF that is for sure. He usually stayed out of my way and I his but if he dared try to 'parent' me I would lose my cool! Looking back I was horrible but I was devastated so that was my way to lash out. Not an excuse but it was why I acted the way that I did, maturity was a big factor in that as well.

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by melissawilliam View Post
    So it could be a long time before they truly move out, lol.
    True. So I guess either I accept always being in last place, or move on.
    Love seeketh not itself to please,
    Nor for itself hath any care,
    But for another gives its ease,
    And builds a Heaven in Hell's despair.

    - William Blake (1757 - 1827)

  13. #13
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    I'll be candid since my parents divorced when I was a young teenager. I absolutely did not embrace the idea of them dating other people. I resented them when they suggested I *get to know* their “whatever“. While I was not as obnoxious as what you are experiencing I was for sure sullen and dismissive with them. The song Wonderful by Everclear still resonates with me when I hear it on the radio. I don't want to meet your *friend*.

    Being a teenager is hard stuff. Seeing your parents dating other people is most displeasant, atleast for me it was. I'll be honest and say 20 years later I'm still not warm & fuzzy about step-parents.

    I hope I'm not being too harsh here, just my btdt. I suggest you ignore them. Be polite and adult if you are engaged with them but otherwise don't go out of your way to be nice, don't try to be friendly. A courteous but frosty shoulder will probably be your best approach. They may come along.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Old gal View Post
    I'm pretty much the outsider in my house. I just keep things as orderly as I can and stay out of the way. We've been together 5 years and he has never once given me even a hug in front of them. He sleeps in front of the tv and I stay upstairs. Despite this stress on the relationship, I do love him.
    Just saw this part. That doesn't sound reasonable. Have you considered couples counselling to deal with this? Surly teens is one thing but being in a relationship for 5 years and acting like roommates for the sake of said teenagers doesn't sound like very much fun.

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by mamalondon View Post
    Just saw this part. That doesn't sound reasonable. Have you considered couples counselling to deal with this? Surly teens is one thing but being in a relationship for 5 years and acting like roommates for the sake of said teenagers doesn't sound like very much fun.
    No way would he go for counselling. Room-mates is better than being with an abusive dh though (my ex). Maybe things will get better in a few years.
    Love seeketh not itself to please,
    Nor for itself hath any care,
    But for another gives its ease,
    And builds a Heaven in Hell's despair.

    - William Blake (1757 - 1827)

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